Only Dogs Can Hear It

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To help pay for the Senate's version of Obamacare, Harry Reid has included a new tax on all elective medical procedures. This would include things like Nancy Pelosi's Botox injections, Joe Biden's hair plugs, the floral arrangements at Barney Frank's weekly colonoscopies and, should he ever have the procedure performed, the addition of a spine to Barack Obama.

Trial and Error

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Eric Holder, who famously began his role of Attorney General by pronouncing America "a nation of cowards" is insisting on bringing 9/11's mastermind to trial in New York. He made this tough decision after NOT consulting with the president, the FBI, the CIA, or the military, but he did chat about it with his wife and brother.

But what's the worst that could happen? Well, Khalid Sheik Mohammed will be given reams of top secret intelligence information in order to prepare his defense...enemy combatants and terrorists will now have unprecedented legal protection on the battlefield...and Eric Holder concedes that the man who confessed to bringing down the World Trade Centers may be acquitted.

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Hot Topic

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On a recent Conan O'Brien show, Nobel prizewinner Al Gore proved that he has no understanding of either geology or thermodynamics when he proclaimed that the Earth's core is "several million degrees." As the actual temperature is closer to 6000 Celcius, he was only off by, oh, several million degrees.

As the inconvenient truths about Al Gore mount up, it's becoming increasingly clear that he's telling convenient lies - unsubstantiated by any science - for purely political and financial reasons. Making Gore's support for "Cap and Trade" yet another instance of "Shuck and Jive."

Created or Saved or Made Up Entirely

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When tallying the number of jobs "created or saved" by the Obama administration's massive spending packages, it seems that some of the best results came from places that don't actually exist.

Millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars have gone to congressional districts which can't be found on any map, but which we're quite sure have turned out substantial vote totals for Democrats in past elections...

Hope n' Change Extra: our special investigative team has obtained this exclusive photograph of the Obama administration's foreign protocol advisor!

Nidal in a Haystack

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Major Nidal Hasan, who killed 13 and wounded more than two dozen others at Fort Hood last week, is reportedly paralyzed from the waist down owing to the multiple gunshots which ended his bloody rampage.

Meanwhile, the Major's attorney is filing papers to receive funds with which Hasan can hire his own private investigator, proving that even if the 72 virgins are safe, Hasan is still fully capable of screwing taxpayers.

Enola Gay Rights

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When asked by a Japanese reporter if the US made the right decision by using atomic weapons to end World War II, Barack Obama hemmed, hawed, changed the subject...and never said "yes."

And so the international search continues to find an example - any example - of this president supporting US policy or decisions which were made prior to his canonization.

"Sorry America won the war, your Imperial Excellence."

Let's Do Chinese

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Barack Obama has traveled to Asia, where he will be trying to convince the Chinese that next year he will become a fiscal conservative, and that he will try to rescue the American dollar before all the money we owe the Chinese becomes worthless.

He will probably also autograph some of the "Oba Mao" t-shirts which have become a big seller in China, and engage in some friendly pick-up basketball games during which he can trash talk the Dalai Lama.

Have fun, Mr president! Don't hurry back!

"What size does Anita Dunn wear?"