Saturday, March 6, 2010


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There's an old joke in which a doctor tells a patient he has good news and bad news, and the patient asks to hear the bad news first:

"You have incurable cancer," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," the patient says. "What's the good news?"
"You know that cute nurse in the waiting room?" the doctor replies. "I'm banging her!"

And so it was that Harry Reid announced "Today is a big day in America! We only lost 36,000 jobs today, which is really good!" He did not mention a cute nurse, but the idea is basically the same for the 36,000 people who lost their jobs last month.

According to the government's own rarely quoted U-6 Unemployment figures (which include those who have lost hope and stopped expecting change), this brings the unemployment rate to a staggering 16.8%. Meanwhile, Washington does nothing...because while polls show that people think they need jobs, the politicians know that what they really need is mandatory government healthcare.
Which will, of course, be good news for a lot of cute nurses.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Funny Money

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Republican Patrick McHenry has submitted a House Resolution to redesign the $50 bill and put a likeness of Ronald Reagan on it. Unsurprisingly, the resolution hasn't generated much enthusiasm among the Democrats, who are more interested in running up bills than designing them.

Frankly, Hope n' Change likes the idea of Reagan's smiling, optimistic face in our wallets...reminding us that the right leadership can eventually pull the country out of an economic morass.

And in the interest of fair play, we think the treasury department should honor a Democrat, too. Perhaps Barney Frank on the 3 dollar bill...

"Mr. Obama...tear down this wallet."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Necessary Roughness

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Barack Obama has announced that the "time for debate" is over, and the time for the Roman Circus of "reconciliation" has arrived. Lacking the votes to pass his alleged "healthcare reform" according to the Constitution, the president will now push to enact the legislation with a simple majority vote...against the will of the founding fathers and the majority of the American people.

Although reconciliation has been called "the nuclear option," we think the president is actually turning Democrats into a pre-Hiroshima type of weapon: Kamikazes...who are expected to commit political suicide for the glory of their ruler.

But will Democrats be willing to make that ultimate sacrifice for a man who is clearly not an emperor, but only a master debater?

" want me to do what?!"

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Deja View All Over Again

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To create the illusion that NBC's "Tonight Show" hasn't had a different (and vastly superior) host in recent months and, in fact, that it's still 2008, Jay Leno returned to the show Monday with jokes skewering Dick Cheney's heart attacks, and President Bush's statement that he sometimes turned to prayer while in office.

Wow...mocking potentially life-threatening illness, and a man's religious faith. When you think about it, Conan O'Brien's "masturbating bear" routine was actually tasteful by comparison. And frankly, a heckuva lot funnier.

So say goodnight, Jay. Your "new" Tonight is sooooooo yesterday...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Too Stupid for Words

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Although the president has been lecturing the American voters because they aren't bright enough to understand the sophisticated language of the Obamacare bills, it seems that even something as simple as the Surgeon General's warning on smoking is a bit too complicated for the president to understand.

At his recent medical screening, the president passed with flying colors...except for, oh, the little matter of his
addiction to a life-threatening drug, which he continues to consume purely for recreational reasons, giving no thought to the grave risks his dangerous, druggie behavior inflicts on his family and his nation.

Technically, the physician's report says that Obama has not completed "smoking cessation efforts," meaning that when he's not puffing away, he's chewing nicotine gum of the kind that is itself both
addicting and potentially life-threatening.

But to be perfectly fair, the president
needs his cigarettes: after all, he has to blow smoke up a lot of asses...

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Do not operate heavy machinery,
suggest major legislation, or attempt to run a country while under the
influence of this narcotic.

UPDATE: Obama's medical report also suggests that he "moderate" his alcohol intake more than he currently does. This strikes us unfair, as our own alcohol consumption has skyrocketed since he took office.

Monday, March 1, 2010


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In order to flood radio talk shows with liberal viewpoints, the Democratic party subsidiary "Organizing for America" has created a website which helps liberals contact radio talk shows...and provides them with a "talking points" script to make sure they push the president's propaganda points.

The website, subtly named, encourages callers to share personal stories about healthcare, presumably like the previously heard "I'm wearing my dead sister's dentures" or "the doctor cut off my foot to make more money than if he treated my diabetes."

The site also has a "feedback box" allowing users to tell the Democrats exactly how the phonecall went. Although we suppose you could also use the "feedback box" to tell the Democrats exactly what you think of their effort to have "seminar callers" clutter the public airwaves. Hint, hint.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tsunami Tsurprise

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(Honolulu, HI) Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday after an 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile sent a mile-high wall of water hurtling toward Hawaii at speeds of over 500 mph.

With destruction of the entire state a virtual certainty, Hawaiian government officials finally authorized the release of Barack Obama's birth certificate. When the document was held aloft as the towering tsunami raced toward the beach, brilliant light shone and thunder exploded. Astoundingly the water stopped in its tracks and, for reasons still unexplained, turned around and headed for Kenya.

Following the miracle, a pod of dolphins carried the birth certificate out to sea and disappeared beneath the most beautiful rainbow anyone has ever seen.
-New York Times