Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ice Cream Flotilla



Now that it's clear that the United States has no Commander-in-Chief (owing to the more pressing need for him to serve as Campaign Fundraiser-in-Chief), America's enemies are looking forward to really enjoying the next 14 months.

The Palestinians have already decided that Barack Obama has abandoned Israel, which is why they feel comfortable in making their case to the U.N. that they should be given their own state and, by the way, a wink-wink nudge-nudge on wiping Israel off the map. This despite Obama's wise counsel that the Palestinians should just try wearing the other side's shoes, so that they "know how it feels to be a janitor. Oops...jew."

Meanwhile, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, after visiting the U.N., trashing the United States, and getting no significant pushback from the president (who was attending critical fundraisers), has decided to up the ante a bit by threatening to send warships to our Atlantic coast.


Clearly, this is a threat that Barack Obama does not take lightly...which is why he's moved his increasingly desperate fundraising dinners to the Pacific coast, seeking not only safety, but a little Hollywood mojo to add to his floundering campaign. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be that many celebrities who are eager to cough up the usual $38,500 per plate for leftovers with the president, which is why to guarantee "sellout" crowds (in several senses), access to the president is now available at the Unhappy Meal price of just $250.

Obama blames his declining ability to raise funds on the inconvenient need to occasionally be in Washington, though he's doing his best to avoid any actual decision making, leadership, or defense of our allies or borders until after the 2012 elections.


And until then, well, quit your complainin', grumblin', and cryin'. It's just going to be Iran's navy with (possibly) short-range nuclear missiles floating off the coasts of Washington DC and New York. What's the worst that could happen...?
-


24 comments:

Jim Hlavac said...

Why, Stilt, didn't you know? There already is a fifth column right here in the US that hates western civilization just as much as the Muslims do! Oh yes, why, Frank Turek of the National Organization "for" Marriage, the chief defender of DOMA, and an advisor to my Speaker, John Boehner, on the perils of sissy smooching, on Monday said that we sissies were EXACTLY like crazed Muslim terrorists. Oh yes he did. Why, he said we're going to destroy this nation as much as any old Iranian president or Arabian Mullah. And we're so much closer, and can well hide within the population, eh! He told this to Bryan Fischer of the American Values Association, who greatly agrees, and calls for our incarceration near daily, when he's not on stage with Rick Perry to promote that man for president.

And Peter Sprigg and Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, have repeatedly likened us sissies to "domestic terrorists," and "the greatest existential threat" to the nation. Which, if one is a loon, is no biggie, but alas, they're holding a "values summit" to which nearly every Republican candidate will trundle into to hear all about how hairdressers, interior designers, waiters, little theater actors, and yours truly, the piano player, should all be rounded up and arrested and put in jail with all the other men, to be together, for um, being together.

And when a nation is fearful of its sissies, I dare say, we should indeed be panic stricken of some really crazy people.

Don't worry, though, the "values" coalition is doing all they can to stop the menace. And I just laugh through my worries, and play another tune.

(Oh yah, Obama is a dangerous idiot, but I got other problems to deal with.)

Earl said...

Yesterday's news. But did they ever find those heat-seeking missles that went missing in Libya?

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

As long as they stay in international waters I guess there's not a lot we can do except monitor them...with missile cruisers from 1000 yards. One puff of smoke from any of their ships and we turn them into fish food flambe right after they watch us knock their missiles out of the sky.

Suzy said...

Loving the picture of Obama fundraising....hahaha...wow....

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Jim Hlavac- The dangers of having an absentee president affect all demographic groups, including those that neither recognize nor admit it.

@Earl- Last I heard, the 20,000 surface-to-air missiles which were "liberated" in Obama's One Man War are still missing.

@Angry Hoosier Dad- There's not much we can do if they stay in international waters, other than greet them with a twitchy trigger finger if they do anything funny.

@Suzy- The picture is metaphor, but not inaccurate. Obama has basically declared that he is rejecting anything like meaningful governance and will spend the next 14 months fundraising, campaigning, and trying to gin up hatred between Americans.

Bruce In KC said...

Let I'madinnerjacket send his "navy" over, and watch the sailors aboard crap themselves when a squadron of F/A-18 Hornets does a low level pass over their bow at greater than mach one......

Then let's reciprocate and put a couple of carrier battle groups of of his coast...

My Dog Brewski said...

Assuming they both survive to the end of their terms, I can see Duh Won and Dinnerjacket taking their act on the road. Won't be as entertaining as Hope and Crosby, but they can probably get gigs at Harvard, Berkley and the UN.

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

Bruce In KC:
Gotta admit, I like the way you think. What a crying shame our "Commander-In-Chief" doesn't think this way.

Suzy said...

BTW I wasn't aware of the Atlantic Ocean thing. Great.... Now is a good time, I think, to look for a summer home in Montana or something, away from the Philly area!!!!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bruce in KC- I love the image of a terrifying low altitude flyover, but can't imagine Obama allowing it. Unless, as was the case in New York, it's Air Force One taking publicity pictures for Barry.

@My Dog Brewski- I'll take Hope and Crosby over "Hope and Change" every time.

@Angry Hoosier Dad- Sadly, the only time our alleged Commander-in-Chief can get angry and aggressive is when he's telling a roomful of black people how much he hates white people.

@Suzy- I don't think you're in any actual danger. This isn't about Iraq provoking war...it's about Ahmadinejad feeling free to give us the finger because he knows that our absentee president is also a coward.

Earl said...

The Obama/Ahmadinejad duo can do a "road trip" movie a la Hope and Crosby. Maybe call it "Road to Nowhere" or "Hit the Road Jack." Or "Road to Mecca" with distribution assistance from NASA.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Jim Hlavac: Turek likely came to this conclusion due to the mutual aversion to viewing naked women. It's a mistake anyone could have made.

Iran has a navy? What is it? Kon-tiki replicas full of dynamite? I mean - I thought all they had were "ships of the desert" - you know, camels - because they're full of... Well, you know what they're full of. A navy? Really? Learn sumthin new ever day.

And as for Øbama's performance - I'd rather his campaigning than his "leadership" any day. In any case, he's too busy telling Ford not to run commercials he finds critical of his administration. (1st amendment, 2nd amendment, 4th amendment - they're all the same to a tyrant...)

Emmentaler Limburger said...

(On another note, Stilton: the posting issues appear to be due to my employer's "IT" department. No issues from home... Maybe there's a lesson there? Nah...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Earl- Maybe NASA can figure out how to use the moon as a movie screen for us all to watch the hilarious "Road to Mecca!" Hey, it couldn't cost more than a few hundred billion dollars, and would create thousands of jobs in the popcorn industry!

@Emmentaler- Turek is an idiot. Does he really think that Danny Pearl just got his hair styled badly?!

And of COURSE Iran has a navy, though it's made up entirely of camels. And you know why camels are called "the ships of the desert," right? Because they're filled with Iranian Seamen... (ba-da-BOOM!)

Regarding Obama campaigning instead of leading, I largely agree with you...except when it comes to telling our enemies that there's "nobody home" at the top of our military chain of command. That's dangerous.

Finally, regarding your posting problems from work, you can easily solve the problem the same way that tens of millions of other people have: lose your job.

jselvy said...

If they do strike the East Coast, will Obama take credit for the 'shovel-ready' jobs that multiple detonations in an high-density populated area would create?

Anonymous said...

Would the nuking of New York and DC really be so bad? - At least it would get rid of a whole lot of liberals and scumbag politicians...

Suzy said...

Anon....only with advance warning and escape routes for us East Coast Conservatives!!!!

Pete(Detroit) said...

Um, Suzy? you still hitting the snooze?
(From several years ago, obviously - but interesting to note that it's widely accepted that Iran's current President was one of those 'student protestors' that took our embassy captive)
http://www.targetofopportunity.com/ww3.htm

Then again, I grew up (and live again) in a close suburb, home to one of the largest manufacturing centers on the planet (owned by the last "American" car company, who's HQ is under 2 miles from my house...). Back in the day, there was a mini-series on TV "The day after" set to scare us all of the evils of NukeWar. People I was in college w/ at the time asked if I was afraid of a nuke attack, growing up where I did. "Nope - figure I live so close, I'll never know it - turn me to ash in the first big flash"
Of course, now the plan is to use smaller dirty bombs, and not so much vaporize everything as just poison the known world for the foreseeable future...
One of my teacher friends is looking to buy a farm, in Amish country, and let locals work it - if things ever look REALLY bad, she can bug out there, and hang w/ people who already are practiced and skilled at 'living off the grid'...
Hope she tells me where it is...

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Stilton: Regarding Øbama signalling to our enemies that no one is home at the top by being out campaigning - please explain to me just how this is different than when he's in his office?! (And I was trying very hard *not* to actually state what the "ships of the desert" are full of...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@jselvy- Not only will Obama take credit for the shovel-ready jobs, he'll probably give Iran a Solyndra-style loan to get things started.

@Anonymous (four above)- I'm afraid that the indiscriminate nuking of any population centers will do far more harm than good. We shouldn't look to bombs to handle the jobs that we should be able to accomplish with votes.

@Suzy- Unfortunately, the escape routes for conservatives will be choked off when all the liberals flee, too. We'll have to use some kind of code, like inviting everyone to a "Big Blowout Tea Party" in the midwest.

@Pete(Detroit)- I've got a very wealthy acquaintance who has already purchased such a farm, worked by others, specifically so food will be available when the feces hits the fan.

@Emmentaler- You're right, there's almost no difference in Obama being in the Oval Office or out on the campaign trail. Either way he's in dereliction of duty.

And regarding the ships of the desert, I just couldn't resist. At least I didn't work "humps" into the camel joke.

Suzy said...

@Stilt....do you really? Wow. Can he be MY acquaintance, too???? haha. I have a bunch of boys who would LOVE to work a farm, on the side, anyway.....

However if we can just wait it out and get someone like Herman Cain in office, maybe we can turn this thing around. He sure won't put up with any "feces" if he gets into office...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Suzy- I just said that I KNOW someone that wealthy who has made plans...I don't think either of us would be welcome at their settlement if things go south.

Smokey Behr said...

Plans for the next order of ships for the Iranian Navy have been leaked to the West. They include a fleet of submarines with hatches made of an open weave plastic-coated fiberglass mesh, and boats with plexiglass hulls, purportedly for the observation of the former Iranian Navy.

Reaganite Republican said...

I love it, linked

Reaganite's Sunday Funnies