Friday, August 26, 2011
It's true: there is no such thing as a vacation for the president of the United States. While in Martha's Vineyard, Barack Obama has had to deal with a major earthquake, about which he did nothing, a huge hurricane, about which he is doing nothing, and now reports of gas attacks in populated regions of Afghanistan... with our own marines to blame!
According to a published report in the Military Times "Battle Rattle" section, Marines have been ordered to suppress audible farts because it offends the Afghans.
Now you might expect Hope n' Change cartoons to mock the Afghans for their hypocrisy and squeamishness...but in this case, we've got to take their side. After all, biological weapons are strictly forbidden under the rules of the Geneva Convention...and it's our considered opinion that despite the potential devastation of mustard gas, chlorine gas, or nerve agents on the battlefield, a genuine made-in-America Marine's Fart could be more destructive than all of those things combined.
We're not talking about the little hummingbird tweets which squeak out of the commander in chief and smell like cotton candy. No sir, we're talking about thundering, armor-piercing, white hot, "Don't look inside the Lost Ark of the Covenant!" 10-megaton MARINE farts! Even one of which is said to make a measurable change in Global Warming, especially if released near Al Gore.
And so, Marines, "hold 'em if you got 'em"...and keep that gas from passing while you're "guests" in Afghanistan!
When you get home, you can finally let it all out.
Hopefully during a tour of the Whitehouse.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's rare that "earthshaking news" out of Washington is anything of the kind... but yesterday it actually happened when our nation's capitol was rocked by a 5.9 earthquake.
Despite the fact that virtually every government office in Washington was immediately evacuated, and airports and nuclear power stations shut down, Barack "No Drama" Obama showed remarkable courage by taking a briefing by phone while on the golf course and looking completely disinterested, except for chuckling a couple of times.
Still, his well-concealed concern for the security of our institutions and the lives of the innocent were clearly revealed when he blew his next putt.
Meanwhile, unfounded rumors that Washington had been destroyed entirely rocked Wall Street, causing the Dow Jones to skyrocket more than 322 points.
In honor of our current president, Hope n' Change believes that the geologic anomaly which produced the earthquake should be given a name which is not only accurate, but has been woefully underused by the mainstream media.
It is, of course...Obama's Fault.
Monday, August 22, 2011
In these contentious days of partisan politics and disastrous economic debts and deficits, America looks to one man to demonstrate the leadership it takes to bring the warring factions together, to put country before party, and to compromise on ways to cut costs while raising revenues.
And that man is, of course, not Barack Obama...who is currently splish-splashing in the waters off Martha's Vineyard, and snapping at the bubbles which bloop out from his swim trunks.
No, we're talking about mega-billionaire Warren Buffet, who recently wrote an editorial stating that the "super-rich" (such as himself and his friends) have been "coddled" by the government long enough, and need to start paying their fair share. He even points out that his personal tax rate is less than that of his cleaning woman (although as we recently learned from Arnold Schwarzennegger, some cleaning women end up getting "super-rich").
To rectify this, Mr. Buffet suggests that taxes be raised on all of those "super-rich billionaires" (defined by Barack Obama as those who earn $250,000 a year, which is only 1/4th of 1% of a billion) and all of those darned people who invest in the stock market, who must be zillionaires - right? RIGHT?!
Wrong. The taxes Mr. Buffet suggests would mainly fall on the backs of small business owners. And raising the capital gains taxes would discourage investment and force struggling corporations to cut back their operations and employees.
Moreover, experts have calculated that if the government taxed all of the "super-rich" at 100%, it would barely make a dent in either our debt or deficit. While all economic activity generated by those people and their investments would come to a sudden and permanent halt.
But Warren Buffet is a man who knows a little about money - and a lot about his own money. And he clearly feels that he's getting away with fiscal murder and wants to be reined in. Mind you, he won't send the goverment (which is to say, the American people) one red cent voluntarily, but he'll do so if the law demands it.
So by all means, let's have a bipartisan effort to pass a new "Warren Buffet Tax," which is sky high and applies only to Warren Buffet. Such a bill would enjoy broad cross-party support, it would bring in a boatload of revenue and, most importantly...it would encourage Warren to keep his fat mouth shut.