Friday, December 14, 2012
As the week draws to a close, there appears to be no new progress (or progress of any kind) towards avoiding a headlong plunge over the fiscal cliff...and no suggestion that B. Hussein won't be departing on his $4 million Hawaiian vacation on Monday while the country prepares to sink to a deeper level of Hell.
And why shouldn't he? He isn't adding anything to the negotiations while in Washington, and if any important agreements are reached in his absence, he's already set the precedent that his electronic auto-pen has the same authority to sign bills into law that he does. Assuming that his auto-pen isn't vacationing at Martha's Vineyard with the Kennedy family auto-pens.
Reports are already trickling in that all-important Christmas sales aren't as robust as merchants hoped they would be, because consumers are concerned that there seems to be nobody really in charge in Washington who gives a damn about trying to save our economy.
Which is why, at the Jarlsberg home (shown above), we're displaying our holiday sentiments using energy-inefficient lights powered by nice, smoky coal plants.
Because we may have to go over the cliff, but we're damn well not going to do it quietly in the dark.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Yale, the world's number one creator of snobs and padlocks, has just announced that they've named a newly discovered species of dinosaur "Obamadon Gracilis" to honor the president and exponentially increase their likelihood of getting another buttload of grant money.
The name, when translated from Latin, combines words which mean "Obama's teeth" and "slender," because the dinosaur was thin and toothy and presumably had a "great smile." It was probably also a gifted liar and a sneaky little egg sucker, both of which qualities probably sound a lot better when translated into Latin (as is the case when they're printed on diplomas from Yale's law school).
The dinosaur died out about 65 million years ago after an asteroid struck the Earth. Coincidentally, a 3-mile wide asteroid is even at this moment rocketing towards the Earth. Tragically, it is expected to whoosh by within the next 24 hours without affecting our current infestation of Obamadon Gracilis.
Unless, of course, the Mayans really did know what they were talking about...
The danger of Jurassic Perks.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The official Whitehouse Christmas card is in the mail, assuming that a card which doesn't actually mention Christmas can be considered "official." Instead, Michelle Obama selected a stark black and white image of Bo the dog shivering in the snow outside the Whitehouse, which was painted by a woman who claims she used a toothbrush to get the snow "just right." No, really.
The artist will not actually be paid for her work, but has received an invitation to dine at the Whitehouse - perhaps sharing a table in the kitchen with the many "eat with Barry" lottery winners left over from funding the president's reelection.
Michelle Obama chose the image of Bo because, in her words, "he is my son" - and after all Christmas is all about Someone's son, right? Right...? Not that you'd know it from the homogenized inscription in the Obama's family card: "This season may your home be filled with family, friends, and the joy of the holidays."
Of course, if family and friends do fill the Obama's home, they'll have a hard time finding anyone to share eggnog with - because the first family will be thousands of miles away, sunning themselves in Hawaii.
Far away from snow, and Bo, and the rabble who (in the president's words) "cling to religion" at Christmas.
If you think a Black Dog says "Christmas,"
then you'll also enjoy this timeless Christmas carol.