Civil Rites of Passage

In order to cultivate the approval of black voters, Jewish Bernie Sanders is inviting the Reverend Al Sharpton to "feel the bern." Which is ironic, considering that was also the last phrase heard by the seven people torched at Freddy's Fashion Mart after Sharpton inspired an angry black mob to set fire to the store out of hatred for (wait for it!) Jews.

At the summit meeting of these two enormous hypocrites, Sharpton questioned the aging socialist on important policy issues like guaranteeing racial discrimination in employment (Affirmative Action), preventing police officers from making arrests of criminals of color or protecting their own lives, and the water quality in Flint, Michigan. Water which is hated simply because it's brown.

Of course, Sharpton's endorsement of a Democratic candidate will only go to the highest bidder, which is why Hillary Clinton will also be meeting with the emaciated race-baiter to kiss his, uh, ring.

Still, Bernie has got a decided edge in cultivating Rev Al's favor. After all, he's the one promising the biggest boost in entitlements for the nation's underclasses. But unfortunately, such entitlements have become a modern form of slavery which gives complete control to those holding the checkbook.

Hope n' Change doesn't actually think that Bernie sees this (while we're damn sure that Hillary does), and that his intentions are probably good. But we know where the road paved with such intentions inevitably leads (even if the White House is a rest stop on the way).

Case in point: Bernie is gleefully shouting that he'll give free college to everyone. But what good is free college to black students who've been trapped by Democrats in underperforming inner city schools and denied the ability to choose a real education? Many black students "graduate" from these high schools with reading levels insufficient to follow the directions to prepare a TV dinner (seriously, that's an actual metric used to measure their abilities).

So either the "free colleges" will turn them away or have to be dumbed down to a 5th grade reading level (spoiler alert: it will be the latter).

Barack Obama has been an unmitigated disaster for black Americans, and neither the Criminal nor the Commie hoping to succeed him would be any better. Which is why Hope n' Change thinks that the best thing which could happen during Black History Month would be a dramatic shift among black voters to a party which actually wants to lift them out of poverty rather than continuing to build ever-higher walls of entitlements around the Democratic plantation.

Why, yes - we WERE offended by another racist, sexually demeaning halftime show! Thanks for asking!

Old Dog, New Hampshire

Hoping (unsuccessfully) to minimize Bernie Sanders' landslide win over Hillary in the New Hampshire primary, former president and occasional rapist Bill Clinton recently went on the attack to accuse the Bernie Sanders campaign of sexism. No, really.

Apparently unaware that he was dressed as a lesbian, the withered and rasping Clinton evinced horror at the notion that women - a sex which he respects almost as much as a good cigar - were being berated online for their support of Hillary. According to Bill, the women have been subjected to "vicious trolling" by Bernie's supporters and "attacks that are literally too profane, not to mention sexist, to repeat."

We therefore assume that Hillary's supporters weren't called liars, bimbos, national security risks, stalkers, or trailer park trash, because those are all acceptable terms of endearment that Bill and Hillary have previously used to describe gyno-Americans who found themselves on the wrong side of Mrs. Clinton's political ambitions. So Bernie's people must have been writing some really vile stuff - perhaps with a dash of Yiddish added, just for color.

Still, Hope n' Change must admit a bit of confusion about the whole concept of "vicious trolling" as a form of sexist abuse of women. Are we to infer that in a Hillary Clinton administration, snarky tweets would be outlawed? That when it comes to political disagreement "you can not have textual relations with that woman?" That rhetoric will be dealt with more seriously than rape? And is Hillary "I'm running on my privates, not my private server" Clinton really the best person to make decisions about national email policy?

Frankly, the Clintons only value is to those who suffer from an irony deficiency in their political diets. And we can't wait (though may have to) to see them finally get off the national stage for the last time.

You probably don't want to click this link...

Gyne Illogical

 
Following Hillary Clinton's discovery in Iowa that she is less popular among young females than a yeast infection, the former first lady is pulling out all the stops in New Hampshire to try to upset what is expected to be a runaway win in the bimbo demographic for doddering socialist Bernie "Sugar Grandaddy" Sanders.

To that end, Hillary asked herself what vivacious, high-powered celebrity superstar could help her reel in those youthful female votes, and she came up with...Madeleine Albright. The 78-year old Secretary of State under Bill Clinton (although we don't know how often), who helped negotiate an Iran-style deal with the North Koreans which gave them billions of dollars in aid to keep them from ever building the kind of nuclear weapons they tested last month, or ever developing an intercontinental ballistic missile of the type they launched Saturday.

The same Saturday, coincidentally, that Albright growled to an uncomfortable-looking crowd that young women are obligated to vote not with their minds but with their naughty bits - "because there's a special place in Hell for women who don't help each other!"

Which we suppose is a catchy phrase when it comes to threatening simple-minded millenial females, but one which skews too negative. Instead, Hope n' Change thinks the Hillary camp should sell the same message with a more positive tone, perhaps calling for "Affirmative Tampaxion," "Power to the Peehole," or simply referring to Mrs. Clinton as "The Vagina Demagogue."

BONUS: CANDIDATES WHO GOP STANDING UP

 

Saturday also saw the final GOP debate before the New Hampshire primary, and overall it was a pretty good show. Nobody flat out embarrassed themselves, although up-and-comer Marco Rubio got nailed by Chris Christie for too frequently falling back on robotically memorized talking points, which he tried to rebut using robotically memorized talking points.

Soft spoken Ben Carson again won the sash and tiara for Congeniality, and the governors onstage (Bush, Christie, and Kasich) all made fairly compelling arguments that nobody who hasn't been a governor actually knows how to do any damn thing.

Ted Cruz apologized yet again for the mixup in which his campaign team inadvertently told Iowa caucus-goers that Ben Carson (beloved founder of the music group Earth, Wind and Fire) had suddenly died, and Donald Trump announced that in dealing with terrorists he plans to do things "a lot worse than waterboarding" which, frankly, we think deserved either a followup question or, if his political aspirations go south, a new reality show.