Attack of the Living Deadline

As if Daylight Saving Time wasn't annoying enough, Barack Obama has just decreed that the nation must now observe Political Ass-Saving Time. On April 15, all Americans will be required to turn their calendars back to March 31 (helpful homeowner tip: this is also a good time to change the batteries in your smoke & mirror detectors!)

The reason for this bizarre development is, of course, Obamacare. Only days ago, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius swore that there was no way in Heaven or Hell that the signup deadline for Obamacare would be extended past the March 31 cutoff or, and we quote, "with God as my witness may I be struck dead by lightning and spend eternity pushing the entire three ton Obamacare bill up a slippery slope of burning excrement while my liver is eaten by buzzards!"

(Side note: A full-color print of the scene she described will soon be available nationwide at Hobby Lobby stores.)

Which is why the March 31 cutoff has not been extended, but people now have until April 15 to meet the March 31 cutoff in a few very, very, very rare circumstances. For instance, if they found the Healthcare.gov website to be an impossible-to-use train wreck. In other words, everybody gets the non-extension extension! Hooray!

All of this is being done to try desperately to get at least a few more people enrolled to help disguise the utter disaster that Obamacare has been to date. How big a disaster, you ask? Try this: after all of the pain, confusion, bleeding of dollars, and disruption of real human lives and healthcare, 98% of the nation's uninsured remain uninsured. Even on its final flight, Malaysian 370 was going in the right direction more than 2% of the time.

Unlike Flight 370, however, we have experts who can tell us exactly what went wrong with the Obamacare signup and its primary goal of enrolling healthy young 20-somethings (or, as Michelle Obama calls them, "knuckleheads.")

The difficulty, according to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is that "people are not educated about the Internet." Which is rather an odd thing to say about a generation that posts tweets, texts, Facebook messages, and Instagram pictures about their every thought, meal, and bowel movement.

Perhaps Harry will propose massively-expensive legislation to have union-certified teachers instruct the nation's 28-year-olds about this "Internet" thing and, as long as they're in a classroom, provide additional instruction introducing them to the newfangled wonders of electric lighting and indoor plumbing.

He can skip teaching them how to use a calendar, though. Because now that the president has declared calendars to be "living documents," actual dates don't mean a damn thing.