Respected, Inspected and Rejected

In an address to 75 visiting members of the Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative (Slogan: "We'll be your bosses before we're old enough to shave"), Barack Obama made the hilarious claim that his policies have returned the United States to the status of "most respected country on Earth."

"People don't remember," the president explained to our youthful future overlords, "when I came into office, the United States in world opinion ranked below China, barely above Russia." And now, of course, we're considered ranker than either of them.

INSPECTED

In news that will surely warm the hearts of terrorists everywhere, an internal investigation by the Transportation Security Administration found that neither boob-squeezing, nut-prodding, child-groping, nor gajillion-dollar "we can see you naked!" X-ray technology is worth a tinker's damn when it comes to actually keeping aircraft safe.

Special agents posing as terrorists were able to waltz through security (which should have been a dead giveaway when no other passengers were ballroom dancing) with weapons and bombs 95% of the time.  

The acting head of the TSA has now been "reassigned" instead of being fired, because a bureaucrat with even a 5% success rate is apparently just too good to let get away. In the meanwhile, Homeland Security director Jeh Johnson grudgingly admits that "the numbers in these reports never look good out of context."

The context, Mr. Johnson, is freaking 9-11. Not to mention the Lockerbie Bomber, the Shoe Bomber, the Underwear Bomber, and now every other bomber who knows he can bring down a plane.

REJECTED

On a sad note for those of us in the conservative comedy game, Democracy for America and MoveOn.org are wrapping up their "Run Warren Run" campaign to draft Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth "Cherokee Cheekbones" Warren for a White House bid.

"We really thought she was what Washington needed," said a campaign spokesperson. "Someone who didn't speak with a forked tongue, someone who could smoke the peace pipe with enemies and, of course, someone who could show the nation how to use every part of the buffalo. Plus, we were hoping for a lot more casinos."

The campaign ran low on funds after fun-loving political opponents started putting her expensive "Run Warren Run" bumper stickers on the front of their cars, and enthusiasm ran low when it became clear that Warren simply wasn't ready to make a run.

"Apparently she's been seeing a psychiatrist for stress," the spokesperson continued in hushed tones, "because of severe sleep-related issues. Some nights she dreams she's a teepee, and other nights she dreams she's a wigwam. According to the doctor, she's two tents."