Still glowing from his multi-million dollar Hawaiian vacation, Barack Obama happily announced that the unemployment rate dropped to 9.4% last month... but was a little skimpy on the details.
And small wonder; although jobs increased by 103,000 last month, experts had expected the number to rise by as much as 300,000. Additionally, the jobless rate went down statistically because a surprisingly large number of people simply gave up on the Obama economy once and for all, and decided to just accept the fact that they'll be watching the Oprah Network 24 hours a day for the rest of their hopeless little lives.
Which, in Obama's world, is viewed as a success. Not to mention a profitable kickback to Oprah for all of her invaluable political support.
Economists say that the tepid job numbers indicate that it will be at least five years before the economy can restore all of the jobs lost in the current downturn.
Or nine years in the tragic event that Mr. Obama is re-elected.-
Because the most important job is making Obama look good.-
Robert Gibbs, the highest-ranking member of the Obama administration who can speak without a teleprompter, has announced that he's resigning his position in self-disgust and will be entering a monastery where he will take a permanent vow of silence.
No, wait - that last part was what we wish. Actually, Gibbs is quitting...but only so he can take advantage of lucrative speaking engagements and become a semi-permanent fixture on alleged news programs where he can more effectively (and less accountably) shill for Barack Obama's 2012 re-election efforts.
Besides speaking engagements, Gibbs will be a "paid political consultant" to Obama. This means that the talented orator can finally break free of his miserable, "barely scraping by" salary of $172,000 a year, and start enjoying the sort of multi-million dollar "evil rich" paychecks that, according to Gibbs when he was behind the podium, can only be gotten by stealing from widows, orphans, and minorities.
There is no official word yet on who will replace Gibbs as spokesman, but Hope n' Change has it on good authority from Whitehouse insiders that the position is going to be filled by someone with whom Obama has a long and close relationship stretching back to the Chicago days. Someone who not only shares the president's philosophies, but has experience with public speaking and is unafraid of confrontation: the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Remember, you read it here first.
"It's like Obamacare! It sucks, but you'll love it!"
Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi passed the gavel of Speaker of the House to Republican John Boehner, who deserves a medal for "courageous restraint" in not using the opportunity to whack Ms. Pelosi on the noggin like a carnival test-of-strength game ("The bell rings! Give that man a cigar!")
Ms. Pelosi, who claims to be a champion of the little people, had just returned from a Hawaiian vacation in which she stayed in a $10,000 per night suite... presumably because Motel 6 had no vacancies.
The House Democrats voted to keep Ms. Pelosi as minority leader (officially known as "Shrieker of the House")...but 18 party members chose to either vote against her or simply vote "present" - which is apparently considered an insult except when the vote was cast by Barack Obama. In fact, no candidate for minority leader has garnered so little support since 1923 - a clear indication of many Democrats' resentment of the woman responsible for their "shellacking" in November.
And so a new era dawns in Washington. But will it be a time of constructive bipartisanship...or ugly in-your-face confrontations, investigations, and bloodthirsty battles?
We're hoping it's that second one.-
