That's My Squirt!

Because this week's news wasn't surreal enough already, the National Father's Day Council has declared Bill "Stinky Finger" Clinton to be "Father of the Year." And technically, it seems like they might have jumped the gun a little since the awards ceremony won't happen until June, and just maybe someone will show himself to be an even better father than Bill Clinton in the next six months - perhaps by not sexually abusing anyone.

Of course, the award isn't given solely because of what Mr. Clinton has done for his own alleged daughter Chelsea (and we say "alleged" because Bill Clinton personally claimed to be sterile after raping Juannita Broaderick), but because of the great fatherly messages which he's delivered to all of our nation's youth.

For instance, he taught young girls that oral sex wasn't sex at all - it was just really, really, really friendly. He improved women's health by pointing out that when a tampon wasn't readily available, a cigar could be substituted in an emergency. He bested Martha Stewart by showing how to make a beautiful, inexpensive fashion accessory out of bodily fluids. And giving the best fatherly gift of all to teens across the fruited plain, he made it perfectly acceptable to lie about sex. Including under oath - let alone when being questioned by pissed off parents!

Frankly, Hope n' Change Cartoons suspects that the "National Father's Day Council" isn't really using their heads when they make a selection as stupid as this one (or, in 2007, when they chose Democrat John Edwards, who created an out of wedlock child while screwing around on his cancer-stricken wife).

In fact, we're rather suspicious that there is no "National Father's Day Council," and that it's really just a cover story for a bunch of guys who go out whoring once a week and don't want their wives or their children to find out.

Or was that the Secret Service?

Gamechanger

Proving that there is always a "right man for the right job at the right time,"  Joe Biden - who is currently heading up the White House Task Force on Gun Violence - is going to cartoonland to begin disarmament talks with videogame characters.

Revealing a shocking loophole in current gun laws, VP Biden has pointed out that videogame characters are currently able to obtain assault-style weapons with no background checks or psychological evaluations, in much the same way that Democrats select political candidates.

If negotiations with the videogame industry are successful, Joe Biden also hopes to create world peace by banning the boardgame "Risk," straighten out America's economic disparity by rewriting the rules of "Monopoly" so that everyone ends up with the same amount of money, and end our nation's ugly history of racism by declaring that in checkers and chess, Black needs to win for at least the next 200 years.

In all seriousness, Hope n' Change would actually like to see some voluntary restraint from the videogame industry and, especially, Hollywood when it comes to glamorizing violence and depersonalizing victims. Not because these things necessarily contribute to real-life massacres, but because they contribute to widespread moral decay.

Of course, some people might accuse the Obama Administration of extreme hypocrisy in their sudden push for gun control, considering that their "Fast & Furious" program gave free weapons to anyone who could prove that they were killers working for Mexican drug cartels...resulting in hundreds of real-life deaths.

But those people are forgetting the Whitehouse's strongly voiced public outrage in 2011 when a videogame maker released "Tea Party Zombies Must Die," which allowed Left-leaning players to invade the Fox News headquarters and use shotguns and automatic weapons to bloodily kill Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Michelle Bachmann, and a variety of Tea Party types like "old white men" and "rednecks." Do you remember all the government outrage that game caused?!

Yeah, neither do we.

Hey, It's All Gore

Overstuffed "green energy" huckster Al Gore has sold his virtually unwatched "Current TV" cable network to terrorist-lovin' Al-Jazeera for $500 million dollars (every one of which came from the sale of evil, Earth-destroying oil) so that they can reach American viewers with their exciting "Must See Jihad" lineup of shows.

Current TV is so left-wing and anti-American that MSNBC looks fair and balanced by comparison - which may account for its dismal viewership numbers. And Al Gore has remained true to his political beliefs: he turned down what was reported to be a higher cash offer from Glenn Beck and chose Al-Jazeera because "the legacy of who the network goes to is important to us and we are sensitive to networks not aligned with our point of view." That "point of view" being that America sucks, right Al?

Al-Jazeera has already said that it will scrap Current TV's format and programming, which will come as a considerable shock to the countless millions of cable viewers who didn't know that Current TV had either of those things.

As far as the Jewish Ms. Behar's future with the network, things are a little uncertain - although the network is rumored to be preparing a one-hour special for her called "Joy Behar Gets Stoned."

We assume that it's about legalized marijuana...but you never know.