Old Yellers

As if the fever-pitch excitement surrounding the primary season hadn't been ramped up enough, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders faced off last night in another Democratic debate which we definitely would have watched had we been tied to a chair, Clockwork Orange-style, with our eyes held open by surgical clips.

This was the first one-on-one debate between the two aging socialists, after Martin O'Malley shocked the nation this week by announcing that he'd also been a candidate this whole time without anyone noticing.

Hillary entered the debate with positive momentum, thanks to her infinitesimally small and statistically unlikely "win" in Iowa, as well as a suspiciously convenient "surprise" announcement by the State Department yesterday claiming that former Secretaries of State Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell both had instances of classified information transmitted via personal email accounts.

Powell brushed off the allegation, adding "Should (Hillary) have had a private server? Did she use it for classified information? I don't know and I don't want to know." Which, frankly, we think would be a catchy campaign slogan that all of Hillary's followers can embrace.

BONUS: OLD FACEFULL

Following his visit to a mosque in Baltimore on Wednesday, Barack Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday to prove that, in the best tradition of what makes America great, he can be totally obnoxious no matter which faith he's pandering to.

Last year, the president used the occasion to attack Christianity for violent acts committed during the Crusades. A sad, blood-soaked period which predated sensible gun control.

This year, Mr. Obama chose to describe our nation as one filled with "fear and anger" owing to the harsh voices on the Right, our overreaction to acts of terror, the vertigo-inducing nightmare of income inequality and, just as predicted in the final words of the Book of Revelation, "eroding shorelines."

Be it mosque, church, synagogue, or prayer breakfast, we find it impossible to take Barack Obama's faith or piety seriously. He displayed no interest in Christianity prior to seeking public visibility and political connections through Reverend Jeremiah Wright's church in Chicago - and later claimed not to have heard or remembered a single (anti-American) sermon.

But lest we seem too cynical, Hope n' Change would like to point out that next year's breakfast will be hosted by a different president. And to us, that's proof that prayers are eventually answered.

Groundhog Daze

We can't believe it either.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a celebration of the remarkable fact that even dumpy, grumpy, squint-eyed rodents have a better chance of predicting the climate's future than government-funded global warming researchers and experts. Which is odd, considering how many of those descriptive criteria also describe Al Gore.

Punxsutawney Phil took a look at the world and then predicted an early Spring for the filthy rich, but bitter cold and continuing Winter for the 99% - with women and minorities expected to suffer the greatest number of chilblains. No, wait - that was Bernie Sanders' prediction. We apologize for the understandable mixup.

Unfortunately for Phil, he was dragged from his slumber just in time to see the results of the Iowa caucuses. Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders essentially tied, although Hillary finally managed to eke out a technical win by dint of six coin tosses to assign delegates. Bernie supporters, who lost all six tosses by (ahem) remarkable coincidence, complained that the process was unfair owing to the fact that none of them actually had any coins of their own to flip.

Hilariously, Bernie supporters are now calling for election monitors at future primaries to prevent voter fraud from Hillary supporters and the DNC. Which is funny, since we thought there was neither jot nor tittle of evidence that there is ever any voter fraud from Democrats. We stand corrected.

Meanwhile, alleged Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley received no delegates, got less than 1% of the votes, and dropped out of the race after damning the men and women of Iowa to endless, blistering hell and swearing that he would never eat corn again. Okay, he probably didn't do that, but it would have been the most interesting 10 seconds of his campaign.

On the GOP side, Donald "No one remembers who came in second" Trump came in second, Ted Cruz finished on top, Marco Rubio racked up a surprisingly strong third place finish, and Dr. Ben Carson came in fourth because, as even Punxsutawney Phil could tell you, politics isn't brain surgery.

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Vote

Tonight the various contenders wishing (or in many cases obsessing) to become President of the United States will get their first real test in the Iowa caucuses. The caucus (meaning "a gathering of Caucasians") process involves Iowans grouping together to publicly debate which candidates have spent the most money in the state.

Following these impassioned discussions (frequently peppered with expletives like "gosh durn it!" and "hold on thar!") the Republicans cast traditional secret ballots for their candidates, while the Democrats wave their hands in the air, shout, steal supporters from other groups, and eventually come to agreement via arm wrestling.

Still, the results in Iowa are very, very important because...uh...they're first.  Not because the state is a good predicter of national results (it isn't), and not because the state has demographics which "look like America" (it doesn't). But still, Iowa is first for a very good reason: because they called "dibs."

According to the latest polls, things are wattled-neck and neck between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders amongst the Democrats, while on the GOP side Donald Trump is predicted to edge out Ted Cruz. Which is why later this week we'll get to see...

In order to attack the alleged Islamaphobia of the eventual GOP winners in Iowa, Barack Hussein Obama will be visiting an American mosque in Baltimore which is apparently in a part of town that mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake did not give to protesters to destroy.

This will be Mr. Obama's first visit to an American mosque as president, a trip long-delayed because, according to White House spokesman Josh Earnest, "the president's golf spikes really tear the hell out of prayer rugs."

Obama is going to the mosque "to celebrate the contributions Muslim Americans make to our life," and indeed there are many. Just off the top of our heads, for instance, we can thank them for greatly increased national security measures, a decrease in sun-related skin cancers amongst women wearing burqas, a more diverse view of what constitutes "a clock," and heightened awareness that, despite the similarity in names, San Bernadino and San Bernardino are two different soft targets.