Aprilgeddon

Women and minorities thought to be hit least hard.

As political philosopher Morton Salt wryly observes, "When it rains it pours." And such is the case with today's sudden explosion of news stories which are shaking journalism to its very roots, causing many perfectly good drinks to be spilled.

For starters, Donald Trump unexpectedly dropped out of the presidential race after an injection of stem cells miraculously cured his Political Tourette's Syndrome. "I'm filled with contrition and embarrassment," admitted the naturally soft-spoken businessman. "The notion that my condition caused me to characterize people as douche nozzles and gratuitously pontificate about complex issues with nary a scintilla of understanding is truly mortifying. As are my tiny flaccid fingers."

The candidate's sudden exit from the race was the second piece of good news received by the Ted Cruz campaign, the first being the National Enquirer's admission that their story about wild, unbridled sex with multiple mistresses was actually supposed to be about Tom Cruise, but the names were switched at the last minute to reduce the chances of having the paper's corporate headquarters filled with rattlesnakes by Scientologists. "No harm, no foul," laughed Cruz before retiring to a nearby chapel to pray for staffers of the National Enquirer to be consumed by a plague of locusts.

This shakeup on the GOP side may have little effect on Hillary Clinton, as she has now been ordered to appear before the FBI for intensive questioning about dozens of felonies and has been instructed to "wear an orange jumpsuit and bring a toothbrush and a harmonica." According to a Clinton spokesperson, the former first lady isn't worried about the investigation because, "what with her brain tumor and cirrhosis, there's no way she'll be serving a long sentence."

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has further delighted his legions of barely post-pubescent followers by announcing his plan to get entirely free solar energy by demanding that the alien overlords give us a second sun on the other side of the Earth. "So I'm looking up in the sky one night," Sanders explained, "And there are millions and billions and trillions of stars! And I'm thinking, we get one and the damn aliens get billions?! Are you kidding me?!" As a bonus, Sanders points out that with two suns there will be no night, "allowing us to finally end the nightmare of Daylight Saving Time."

Which is why Hope n' Change has chosen today, April 1st, to officially endorse Sanders as our next president and ambassador to the alien overlords.

The less said about this story the better.

Infernal Revenue

It's more or less two weeks until April 15th, which means it's time for Hope n' Change to get serious about doing our taxes - a process which is more or less like performing a colonoscopy with an adding machine.

Frankly, we're tempted to just haul our overstuffed shoebox of receipts to Al Sharpton's new tax evasion service, H&R Black, for hints on simplifying the process and somehow staying out of jail.

But for now, we're entering data into "Quicken 2005" (the only version which will still run on our Mac) in preparation for using Turbotax ("As recommended by Timothy Geithner") to see how completely and painfully hosed we'll be this year. We're currently estimating that our taxes will be approximately 100 times what Hope n' Change actually brings in annually. And no, we're really and truly not joking. It's a long story, and one which we're not about to get into without a lawyer present.

In any event, that's why we're really not commenting about politics today - and can you blame us? The stories bouncing around the Internet include Trump's campaign manager being charged with "battery" on a female reporter for grabbing her arm (video of the event shows minimal contact despite her early claim of being "almost thrown to the ground"), one of Bill Clinton's many former mistresses claiming that Hillary had multiple abortions and only kept fetal Chelsea because political consultants advised that a baby might humanize their image, and John Kerry and Barack Obama complaining that the contentious GOP primaries are tarnishing the American "brand" overseas even more than Kerry's doofus bicycle accidents, Barry's torrid tango lessons, and - oh yeah! - the complete breakdown of anything like meaningful foreign policy.

But for now, we've got to get back to doing our taxes. In lieu of flowers, please send Scotch.

Your tax dollars at work.

Giving America The Bird

Bernie Sanders' supporters, an easily entertained group if there ever was one, were sent into waves of ecstasy when a tiny bird recently alighted on his podium mid-speech, perhaps hoping to enjoy a refreshing bath in his impassioned flecks of flying spittle. Or maybe it was trained by someone not really clear on the whole idea of sending political "tweets."

In any event, it might as well have been the blue bird of happiness auguring a happy turn of events for Bernie: on Saturday, he kicked the former first lady's formidable rump in caucuses held in Hawaii (the warmest state), Alaska (the coldest state), and Washington (the most presidentially-named state).

Seriously, he won by absolutely crushing margins - not that Democrat superdelegates will much care. But a little bird told us that Hillary herself might not be too happy about it...