Short End of the Shtick

Today's Comedy Central-hosted "Rally to Restore Sanity" is now expected to be a truly historic occasion. Specifically, it will go down in history as the last time (for the foreseeable future) that liberals had anything to laugh about.

The event consists of two parts: the "Rally to Restore Sanity" in which liberal Jon Stewart will pound away at the Right wing, and the "March to Keep Fear Alive" in which liberal Stephen Colbert (while pretending to be an insane conservative) will pound away at the Right wing.

All of which could be moderately fun if the event was really and truly nothing more than a comedy event. But it stopped being that when alleged president Barack Obama endorsed the event, and dropped in on Stewart's show to tout the rally while promoting his own upcoming movie "Dude, Where's My Economy?" The hope is, of course, that the same ill-informed youth who consider Jon Stewart to be the "most trusted newsman" on television will make the big jump to becoming ill-informed voters.

The Huffington Post is supplying free bus rides to the event, and many other liberal bastions (and we do believe they're complete and utter bastions) are now working to claim the event as their own...trying to turn it into a last gasp of relevance before the electoral tidal wave hits.

So have fun at your little party, kids. The grown-ups are coming home Tuesday.
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Do These Genes Make Me Look Liberal?

At a time when it seems good news is rare from the medical field, researchers at Harvard and UC San Diego have announced that they've discovered the "liberal gene."

The gene, which affects dopamine receptors (which we assume means making people more receptive to dope and/or dopes) is significantly correlated with political ideology...especially in people who were popular and socially active in high school. Or, to put it in less politically-correct terms, "people who were elitists and ran in cliques."

Happily, identifying the gene means that there is now real hope for a "cure for the common liberal" in the not-too-distant future.

To be specific, this coming Tuesday.

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Running On Fumes

When Barack Obama "hits the road" to go campaigning, he increasingly does so with a battered, rusting, fuel-inefficient "car" metaphor that should have been scrapped during the "Cash for Clunkers" program.

We've all heard him say that Republicans "drove the car into a ditch," and that "R is for reverse" and "D is for drive" (ignoring the fact that reverse is, in actuality, the appropriate gear for getting out of a ditch).

But because the president can't get any votes talking about Obamacare, the failed stimulus, or his inaction in the face of disastrous unemployment, he's decided to go into more detail about his imaginary car - telling a Rhode Island audience that it "needs some body work, needs a tuneup. But it's pointing in the right direction. The engine is turning and it's ready to go!"

The audience, in the state with the 4th highest unemployment in the nation, was understandably baffled by the fact that rather than good news, they're getting Mr. Goodwrench.

And they know that what Americans really need is leadership...not just a lube job.
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A Rosa By Any Other Name

Speaking before a $7500-per-plate dinner to raise funds to help fight the "Evil Rich Unless They're Liberals Like You," Barack Obama announced that in his vision of America, Republicans can "come for the ride, but they gotta sit in back."

Nice.

For people of a certain age, that kind of language brings back memories of a time when racial segregation was an ugly fact of life in the United States...followed by tremendous strife and civil unrest as Americans (many of them Republican) fought to put an end to such practices - not simply to turn the tables on who would be discriminated against.

Of course, the president isn't quite old enough to have first-hand knowledge of this unhappy time in American history, he has no Black American ancestors, and the subject probably wasn't included in his school curriculum in Indonesia...so he may not have been aware how offensive his remark was.

We trust that he won't make the same mistake in the future. And that he'll also ask the Black Panthers not to bring ax handles to the polling places next Tuesday.

"This sure tastes irony."
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Shove-It Ready Project

Democrats who are behind in the polls are now suggesting the president should do something with his behind.

Rhode Island's Democrat candidate for governor, Frank Caprio, is so incensed that the president won't endorse him that he said Obama "can take his endorsement and really shove it," and added that the president completely ignored Rhode Island during a recent flood but is now "treating us like an ATM machine."

Specifically, the president is visiting the state for a $500-per-person fundraising rally, followed by a $7500-per-plate fundraising dinner, followed by $20,000-per-person unicorn rides.

Okay, we made that last one up. We hope.

But to be entirely fair, we have to admit that with only days to go until the midterm elections, Barack Obama has finally made good on his original campaign promise to unite the parties; now Republicans and Democrats are telling him to "shove it."

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Funny Money

The reason the GOP is expected to achieve massive electoral victories next week is not because of their ideology, but (according to Joe Biden) is actually due to an advertising budget of $200 billion dollars which has been supplied by mysterious, Illuminati-type organizations and fiendish foreign powers!

An accusation of this magnitude certainly deserves an in-depth investigation. Specifically, an investigation of what kind of prescription medications Mr. Biden is taking, and whether he knows that you shouldn't swallow the whole bottle at one time.

Mr. Biden's stated figure of $200 billion for campaign commercials, which he repeated twice, is incorrect by $199.8 billion...although in the current Democrat-controlled administration, this technically amounts to a "rounding error."

And Mr. Biden's claim that "we don't know where it's coming from" is accurate only because he (and Barack Obama, who is making the same claim in his stump speeches) have failed to find any demonstrable examples of the GOP getting money from mysterious sources bent on our nation's destruction. And because we'd hate to accuse the president and vice-president of ignorance, we'll simply assume that they're happily lying through their teeth.

What happens at the polls on election day is not going to be the result of either campaign commercials or conspiracy, however much the Democrats would like people to think so. And the only "unseen" entities truly affecting the outcome will be the wise founders who wrote our Constitution.

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Reid My Lips

Senator Harry Reid has come up with a unique explanation for the reason his home state now has a disastrous 15% unemployment rate: it's because he was too busy single-handedly saving the planet to worry about Nevada and "but for me, we'd be in a worldwide Depression."

And truthfully, who can forget those exciting and dramatic days in late 2008 when a new and surprisingly scrawny superhero appeared on the scene and worked such economic wonders? Remember when he lifted the World Bank all by himself, his cape flapping in the wind? Don't we all recall his rippling, spandex-clad body as he halted U.S. unemployment at under 8%? And it seems only yesterday that this same hero passed a gigantic stimulus bill which would have been immoveable by a mortal man!

Look- up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

Well, we can't say what it is. But you find a lot of it behind a well-fed bull.

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