HnC Vault: Rules Are Rules

Originally published September 18, 2009


Joe Wilson has now been censured for shouting "You lie!" during the president's recent address to the joint session, because "liar" is not among the presidential insults approved for use by House members.

Under section 370 of the House Rules and Manual, it is only appropriate to shout out that the president is "something hated, something oppressive," that he's "using legislative or judicial pork," that his message is "a disgrace to the country," or say that the president (or other official) is among the "half-baked nitwits handling foreign affairs."

But in the interest of saving time and shortening speeches, Hope n' Change suggests that members of the House should now simply shout "SECTION 370!" whenever the president is lying.

Update June 11, 2011

Today's cartoon is being revisited owing to Democrat Anthony Weiner's claim that emailing pornographic snapshots of "Mr. Happy" to random strangers doesn't violate House ethics rules. Which makes us think: "those are some pretty feeble freakin' rules."

And indeed they are. We weren't making up the language shown in the original commentary; you can't call the president a liar (although the president was lying, as everyone knows now) but you can call him all sorts of other terrible things. Or, we suppose, send him email of your genitalia.

Truthfully, it seems like the House only really adheres to two ethics rule: don't get caught, and don't drag the party down with you.

But Anthony Weiner continues to hang on...and is asserting that the whole incident stemmed from a spectacularly bad misunderstanding of Congressional franking privileges.
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Udder Nonsense

Here at Hope n' Change, we realize that it's daunting to be faced with terrible news day after day. Just this week, we've had to deal with disastrous economic reports, escalating wars, and Weiner's weiner. But surely there must be good news out there that proves the world isn't crazy, right?

Wrong. The world is crazy...and as proof we offer up the fact that those whacky Chinese have used genetic modification to create a herd of cows that give human breast milk. The milk will be offered to consumers as a more nutritious, and somewhat kinkier, alternative to standard moo juice.

"It's good!" according to a worker named Jiang Yao who has tasted the sweeter, stronger milk. And as he enthusiastically points out, "It's better for you because it's genetically modified!" Which is as catchy a slogan for the endtimes as any.

But this whole cross-breeding of cows and human breasts raises troubling ethical questions - especially considering that China is a country with a huge population of hormonally active young men and a severe shortage of women.

Fortunately, the Chinese scientists say there is virtually no chance that the busty bovines will prove attractive to human males, noting that "except for the horns, the cows look a lot like Joy Behar."
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At Debt's Door

The funny thing about today's cartoon is that it's absolutely true. Not only does Mrs. Johnson owe the government $527,000...but so do you! That's your share of the $61.6 trillion in government financial commitments that your elected representatives have promised you'll pay. And this isn't metaphor, or some imaginary pie-in-the-sky number that means nothing (like "jobs created or saved" or "days not weeks")...it's a real bill, just as real as your credit card bill or utility bill, and you've really got to pay it. Or else.

A little shy on cash in these jobless times? Then your spouse can help pay it. And your kids. And their kids. But don't expect your neighbor down the street to pay it for you; after all - his family owes the government $527,000 too...just like every other family in America.

Okay, so the government fat cats spent a half-million bucks they didn't have, quite possibly while they were drinking heavily, and put your name on the IOU. They'll never try to actually collect it, will they?

Yes, they will. They must try to collect it or see our nation collapse...and soon. Which is perhaps why their debt collection methods are getting to be quite a bit less subtle than they used to be.

As a case in point, this week a Federal SWAT Team broke down a man's door, dragged him into the lawn, and handcuffed him in front of his children...because the man's estranged wife had fallen behind in paying back her Federal student loans. And we'll bet she didn't owe a half million like you do. You'll be lucky if you only get waterboarded instead of taking a live round above your eye and having your body dumped in the North Arabian Sea.

Frankly, we'd like to see every household in America receive a bill like the one shown below. Not as a campaign stunt, but as a real honest-to-gosh bill that has to be paid.

Perhaps it's the one thing which could finally awaken people to the nightmarish economic realities of our times and make them demand accountability from the free-spending political hacks who have willfully stolen our money and our future.

Coming soon to a mailbox near you!
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Diploma Sí

On Monday, the Supreme Court upheld a California law that gives the children of illegal immigrants huge college tuition discounts, while denying those savings to those filthy rotten young good-for-nothing citizens who come from out-of-state.

Those U.S. citizens will have to cough up as much as $20,000 more...in part, to help pay for the students who are here illegally.

Remember a long, long time ago when kids were taught "crime doesn't pay" in hopes that fewer of them would grow up to be criminals? Well, those days are long gone. Now kids see illegal behavior being rewarded while those who "play by the rules" are penalized by the system, mocked as chumps, or branded as racists and xenophobes if they protest.

That's not really the "education" we should want our kids to be getting. Especially since we'll eventually be paying a societal cost much, much higher than those "out-of-state" rates.

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In part, the Supreme Court agreed that California's tuition breaks for
illegals wasn't entirely based on their "in state" or "out of state" residence,
but was also based on whether the students had graduated from an
"All American" California High School like Montebello High School...
where these students rioted, threw bottles, ripped the California flag to shreds,
and then raised the Mexican flag over the inverted American flag.
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Let Me Be Frank

In the least surprising news of the week, Democrat Anthony "Bulging" Weiner admitted yesterday that he is a perverted scumbag who enjoys sending sexually graphic photos to women he contacts over the Internet, that he has been lying his ass off about it, and that he won't step down from his position because his actions were...a mistake.

And laughably, he seemed to feel that he shouldn't be blamed harshly for all the damage he's done because he hadn't "planned" to hurt anyone. He just "planned" to get his rocks off enjoying anonymous Internet sex with women whom he believed were "probably" not minors, as well as trying his best to destroy the careers of the journalists (notably Andrew Breitbart) who reported the story.

So let's see...he's a self-confessed liar, a pervert, a sexual predator, and a man who would surely violate his oath of office as readily as he violated his (very recent) marital vows.

If the Democrats find this to be beneath even their standards of decency, we should soon see an internal push to throw Weiner out of office.

And if not, the American people won't need to check their Twitter accounts to see all Democrats as nakedly immoral.

We hope he's only describing how long his future in politics will be.
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Veggie Tales

Only days after Michelle Obama unveiled the government's new "food pyramid that isn't a food pyramid anymore" encouraging us to eat more salads, news reports from Europe are filled with nightmarish stories of people who are dying or are seriously ill...because they ate salads.

So far, over 2000 people have been infected, and at least 22 killed, by a deadly new strain of E. coli which has contaminated vegetables. Victims have suffered kidney failure as well as intestinal hemmorhaging and bloody diarrhea (as the English say). Although the exact source isn't yet known, officials are very suspicious of bean sprouts, cucumbers, lettuce, and tomatoes. As are most 5 year olds.

All of which goes to show that even when we try to do the right thing, nutritionally or otherwise, there are no guaranteed outcomes. We live in a dangerous and imperfect world... and not even a nanny-state government promising to making all outcomes "fair" will change that.

For now, this particular E. coli outbreak has not reached the United States, and we certainly hope that remains the case. But just to be on the safe side, give those fruits and veggies an extra rinse before putting them on your table.

And as the first lady reminds us, always remember to scrub your yams.
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HnC Vault: Fat of the Land

Originally published February 12, 2010


To fight an epidemic of childhood obesity, Barack Obama has just created a federally-funded obesity taskforce and has given first lady Michelle Obama the job of spearheading publicity efforts. To kick things off, she declared that obesity is "a threat to national security," though she presumably feels that Ronald McDonald should be tried in a civilian court rather than being shipped to Guantanamo Bay.

Michelle will help kids by encouraging them to exercise ("Touch your toes like you're bowing to Japanese royalty!"), eat more fruits and vegetables ("A day without arugula is like a day without sunshine!"), and presumably by giving them fashion tips...

BONUS: From the Hope n' Change Gift Shoppe, a tribute to the first lady and the Beatles!

Update 6/4/11

Today's cartoon has been summoned from the archives in recognition of the Obama administration's latest brainstorm to help Americans eat healthy and lose weight: the elimination of the "food pyramid."

And not just any food pyramid...they're eliminating the new, revamped food pyramid which the Government redesigned themselves (at God knows what cost) which featured "colorful vertical stripes representing food groups" with "a stick figure running up the side to note the importance of exercise." The new pyramid was so streamlined and stylized that no one could figure out what it meant, although the bold rainbow design seemed to hint that the Egyptians who built the original pyramids were possibly pioneers in Gay activism.

But NOW the pyramid is gone, replaced by a graphic of (wait for it!)...a plate of food, divided into rainbow quadrants. Unfortunately, since many people are apparently still too dim to understand how a "balanced meal" works, this suggests that the government will soon require stores to dye all fruits bright red, grains orange, vegetables green, and protein a taste-tempting purple.

And frankly, all of the food should come pre-cut into tiny little bites. If the American people are this stupid, they sure shouldn't be using knives.

What we WERE supposed to eat...what we ARE supposed to eat...and what we actually eat.
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