Party Politics

Yes, today is my birthday and I'd like to thank all of you for the wonderful gift you're giving me. Specifically, allowing me to ignore the news today (which is frankly miserable) so I can just enjoy myself and get an early start emptying another fetchable bottle for Penny (the Official Dog of Hope n' Change).

As office parties go, today's hasn't been particularly raucous. A catered lunch (well, a visit to Wendy's with the lovely Mrs. Jarlsberg and a very good friend who picked up the tab), a smattering of humorous memes from friends online ("In dog years, you're dead!"), heartfelt greetings in the mail (a birthday card from a local medical facility, an invitation to a retirement seminar, and still no damn check from the Koch brothers), followed by the opening of gifts.

And by "gifts," I mean two items I ordered from Amazon which arrived today. The first was an 8-camera security system with which to monitor the black vans, helicopters, and drones which constantly circle the Hope n' Change office tower. The other was a 48-pack of Ultra Strong Charmin bathroom tissue, which may not seem like a great birthday gift - but if the grid suddenly goes down and our society collapses into Mad Max anarchy, I get the last laugh. Or at least the ability to not walk around looking like I just climbed off a wide horse.

Hope n' Change will return to business as usual on Monday, provided the whole place doesn't go up in flames when so many birthday candles get lit.

BONUS 1: TAKING A PLEDGE

BONUS 2: TAKING A PEAK

Alaskhole

"Wow," you may be saying to yourself. "Stilt certainly went a long way to set up that joke." But not as far, we hasten to point out, as Barack Obama himself has gone for his joke of a visit to Alaska - spewing tons of planet-killing gasses from Air Force One the entire way.

The president has journeyed to the 57th state (or is it the 56th?) in order to take credit for new oil drilling and to decry the imminent environmental disaster the world faces from, uh, new oil drilling. Say what you will about the man, but he does have a gift for hypocrisy.

Speaking of which, while in Alaska Mr. Obama will also be taping a guest appearance on the popular reality series "Running Wild with Bear Grylls" in which the president will demonstrate the wilderness survival skills he's honed during multiple visits to Martha's Vineyard.

Scheduled events include discussing climate change while hiking along a glacier which has shrunken by a terrifying 1.25 miles "in recent decades" and, if circumstances allow,  killing and devouring a wild dog topped with Indonesian "Soetoro sauce."

On a military note, the president is calling for the construction and deployment of more icebreakers in arctic waters to help counterbalance the growing and aggressive dominance of Russia in the region. Currently, Vladimir Putin has 41 icebreakers and Obama only has two. Unless you're willing to include "Hi there, is this your first visit to Man's Country?"

The president will be leaving one additional mark on Alaska (not unlike writing his name in the snow) by renaming America's highest peak - thereby creating thousands of jobs for people in the business of printing maps and atlases.

As a gesture of support to Alaska's native population, what was formerly Mt. McKinley will now be known as "Denali" - which is the traditional Athabascan name meaning "The High One."

Perhaps not coincidentally, this was also the president's nickname in the Choom Gang.

We'll be here all week, folks. Try the seal!

Straightjacket, No Chaser

It's official: the Left has gone insane. We don't mean metaphorically insane - we mean true foaming at the mouth, howling at the moon, hibbity-bibbity-bibbity lip-burbling, farting in the bathtub and snapping at the bubbles while giggling insane. And they're running around loose!

Consider these factoids from just the past few days: Hillary Clinton compared the GOP to terrorists because they don't support the killing, dissection, and sale of dismembered infants. Not certifiable enough? Then how about her claim that any GOP candidate who supports enforcement of our border and immigration laws is essentially a Nazi who plans to “unleash a massive law enforcement effort– including perhaps National Guard and others–to go and literally pull people out of their homes and their workplaces, round them up...put them in boxcars.”

Not to be outdone in the insanity department, Barack Obama derisively declared that people are "crazies" if they don't support his Iran deal's plan to give hundreds of billions of dollars to the largest state-sponsor of terrorism on Earth (whose officials, by the way, are still shrieking "Death to America" out of their spit-flecked bearded pieholes when not howling promises to wipe Israel off the map).

Meanwhile, if Obama had sons and daughters who were belligerent, ignorant, aggressive, cop-hating lunatics, they'd look a lot like Leftist darlings "Black Lives Matter." (Side note: the Left now accepts the idea that saying "White Lives Matter," or "All Lives Matter" is hate speech.) On Saturday, the group staged a protest march in Minnesota in which they followed a group of police officers while enthusiastically shouting "Pigs in a blanket, fry 'em like bacon!" One protester wore a "Kill White Supremacy" t-shirt.

And why were the protestors in such a festive mood? Because only hours before in Texas, Sheriff's Deputy Darren H. Goforth, a white man, was shot in the back and killed while pumping gas into his patrol car. The killer was a black man who took the opportunity to shoot the officer in the back because he was in uniform.

Meanwhile, the mainstream media is calling Donald Trump a dangerous, hate-filled loony because he keeps saying we should "Make America Great Again." Even in these days in which the sanity ship has clearly sailed (and sunk), that doesn't sound crazy to us.

The brutal on-air murder of two young white journalists by an embittered, incompetent, perpetually aggrieved black man with a taste for race war has reopened arguments about mental health in this country, and when the clearly insane should be involuntarily committed for the good and safety of the community.

We suggest that the time is now - and the first two to be committed to the (ahem) Political Asylum should be Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, followed by many more on the liberal Left.

And yes, we may need to use boxcars.

All aboard! There's always room for one more!