Last night, after keeping jobless Americans in suspense thoughout the first two and a half years of his administration, a lengthy vacation in Martha's Vineyard, and an emergency Camp David vacation last weekend, Barack Hussein Obama finally revealed his all-new, mind-blowing "American Jobs Act."
And it is...(drum roll, please!)...Shovel Ready Jobs and Higher Taxes!!! (Cue "Happy Days are Here Again" as confetti and balloons shower down on the president, while Democrats leap to their feet in the House, barking like seals and smacking their flippers together.)
Seriously, folks - that was it. Although Professor Obama made sure to change up the rhetoric a little, to distract from the fact that this same plan has now failed repeatedly on his watch. For instance, the "shovel ready" jobs that failed to materialize last time will now be work on roads and bridges and highspeed railroads and airports...absolutely all of which can be started immediately without the need to do environmental impact statements, secure the land to build on, or actually do engineering design. Nope, these projects are ready...just not shovel ready. In fact, no digging of any kind will be allowed for any of these projects, just to deny Fox News any talking points.
Barack Obama will also be creating jobs by extending unemployment benefits yet again! And while some people might not quite follow the logic of how paying people not to work creates jobs, the Democrats in the audience war-whooped, fist-pumped, and set off Roman Candles about the president's brilliance.
The president also dedicated himself to making Social Security more "secure" by saying that he was going to wipe out the employers' portion of Social Security tax. Because cutting Social Security revenue by half will somehow reassure everyone that when they need their retirement money, it will be there. No doubt because Timothy Geithner is still using TurboTax to calculate the numbers.
Barack Obama then declared that his Jobs Act would pay for the refurbishment or building of 35,000 schools across America, because "every child deserves a great school!" Although technically, it would seem that the kids only deserve a great school building, because Obama and his party are still 100% opposed to letting kids choose to attend schools that give great education.
Of course, all of these "new" ideas won't be cheap...with cost estimates running as high as $450 Billion dollars. Fortunately, the president assured the now foaming, orgasmic Democrats that it will all be paid for!
But...how?
"I'll give details in about 10 days," Mr. Obama said...making us think that if he'd used the 10 days in Martha's Vineyard working on our business, he could have been prepared in time for last night's speech.
But the president at least hinted broadly that his clever funding plan would involve two major components. The first: asking a cost-cutting committee to find more costs to cut, because that's always worked so well in the past. And the second: jack up taxes on the Evil Rich.
Although Obama isn't calling them the "Evil Rich" anymore. Nope - now he just wants to squeeze the "fair share" out of "our most fortunate citizens." Which rather strongly implies that people in upper income brackets don't work or create anything, they just happen to be "winners of life's lottery," as a previous Democrat once said.
In other words, if the means by which "billionaires" earn $200,000 a year isn't fair, then it's impossible for any plan to take the money away from them to be un-fair.
All in all, the president didn't present a single new idea in this speech which required an unprecedented Joint Session of Congress. But he did debut a new phrase, which he shouted endlessly and sternly: "YOU SHOULD PASS IT RIGHT AWAY!"
He was referring to his alleged Jobs Plan, of course, although it sounded like he just might be referring to a singularly large kidney stone.
They're both about equally welcome...equally painful...and both equally useless in ending the Obamaconomy's nightmarish level of unemployment.
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In life, there are wastes of time, complete wastes of time, and last night's speech.
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Only days ago, the Whitehouse issued "talking points" instructing politicians how to characterize the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country. According to that document, Americans are to be told that "we will also draw on the spirit of unity that prevailed in the immediate aftermath of the attacks."
And just how are Barack Obama and his fellow liberals demonstrating their commitment to this ideal? By savaging and maligning their political opponents in the most partisan attacks in political memory.
Within just the past few days, Democrat Maxine Waters has declared that the Tea Party can "go straight to Hell," and Democrat congressman Andre Carson shrieked that the fiscally conservative Tea Party wants black people "hanging from a tree."
Labor leader Jimmy Hoffa, sharing a stage with Barack Obama, declared war on the Tea party and said that the union members were Obama's army which will "take out the sons of bitches" opposing the president and "take" America and give it to whomever Mr. Hoffa sees fit. Apparently, part of Mr. Obama's upcoming jobs plan will involve the unionization of leg-breakers.
The president then jutted his chin and declared that his upcoming jobs speech is actually a test to see if there are any Republicans who are "straight shooters" ("And hey, I'd like to make a special shout out to Gabby Giffords!") who will "put country before party." On the same day, Joe Biden addressed the AFL-CIO and declared that body to be the only ones "keeping the barbarians from the gate."
And all of this falls hard on the heels of the multiple Democrats who labeled Republicans "terrorists" and "hostage takers" for asking for budget cuts before raising the Debt Ceiling.
So it's really no mystery what happened to that "spirit of unity" which once, very briefly, brought Americans together in the aftermath of a terrible tragedy.
It's been attacked savagely and repeatedly from the Left, has been engulfed in flames, and finally collapsed to the ground while the jubilant perpetrators in Washington dance and cheer.
This should not be the legacy of 9/11.
But it is the legacy that Barack Hussein Obama and his fellow travelers have chosen for all of us.-
Ah, Labor Day! A day of cookouts, cold beers, and reminiscing about the good old days when there used to be jobs. Technically, Labor Day celebrates the right of workers to organize. And thanks to the Community Organizer in Chief, they're more organized than ever before...in nice straight lines, down at the Unemployment Office.
On Friday, the country learned that Barack Obama's multiple, hyper-expensive jobs programs have created an economy in which there were no new jobs whatsoever in the month of August. Which is why, after an unscheduled emergency vacation at Camp David, the president will be addressing the nation this coming Thursday as part of the NFL's pre-game warmup festivities, and announce his new and improved plans to kill the few remaining jobs.
It is widely rumored that a key component of the president's plan will be the extension of jobless benefits, owing to his steadfast belief that paying people not to work creates jobs. By that same logic, we're pretty sure that the president also believes that abstinence creates babies. It would also seem to square with his baffling philosophy that he can "lead from behind."
But just for today, let's forget all that. Let's all enjoy a day off from work (whether that's a change in your schedule or not) with family and friends.
Because on Thursday, things will surely get worse.
Obama plans to focus on creating jobs in the coffee and doughnut industry.
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In revving up Das Workers for the president, Hoffa said: "We got to keep an eye on the battle that we face: The war on workers. And you see it everywhere, it is the Tea Party. And you know what? They've got a war, they got a war with us and there's only going to be one winner. President Obama, this is your army. We are ready to march. Let's take these sons of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong." (Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil!)
Barack Obama then followed Mr. Hoffa at the microphone...and did not condemn or refute any of the comments above. If anything, he added to the overheated sentiments by saying that he was about to propose high-spending federal plans for rebuilding roads and bridges (yet again), in order to "see if congressional Republicans will put country before party." Great - now Tea Party types are traitorous sons of bitches, right Mr. Words That Heal?
Frankly, we think Barack Obama should start spending a lot less time with people who advocate class warfare and violence.
And Jimmy Hoffa? Maybe he should relax and spend more time with his dad.
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