Lack of Acceptance Speech

Democrats and Republicans alike are all aflutter following Donald Trump's refusal to say that he'll automatically accept November's election results without first determining that the results are actually honest.  "My stars!" the media is gasping while reaching for smelling salts, loosening their corsets, and briskly flapping lace fans near their faces.

Well here's a little Hope n' Change bulletin we'd like to add:  we will never accept Hillary Clinton as president of the United States.  She will never be "our" president, and we will never accept the legitimacy of the appallingly corrupt process which has gotten her this close to the White House.

Granted, it's entirely possible that Donald Trump, in his infinite and annoying Trumpiness, would have the ability to lose any election including one which was entirely fair - but the Left isn't taking that chance. Thanks to Wikileaks and Project Veritas, we now know that this entire election cycle has been shaped by the Democrats' flood of dirty money, dirty deeds, systemic corruption, and collusion with the media.

We know that Hillary and her cronies hold the American people in complete contempt, and that their idea of irredeemable "deplorables" not only includes hardcore Trump supporters, but virtually every person of faith, every person who believes in the sanctity of life, and every person who believes this should be a nation of laws and equal justice for all.

By definition, Hillary Clinton is an illegitimate candidate, and there is nothing that can happen on November 8th which could make her a legitimate president in our eyes.

BONUS: UNLIKE A VIRGIN

 

Still hyperventilating from the idea that Donald Trump elbowed another guy in the ribs and snickered the word "pussy" over a decade ago, the Left seems to be surprisingly accepting of Madonna sexually objectifying men (while simultaneously giving both aging pop stars and sluts a bad name) and offering to trade oral sex for pro-Hillary votes.

Since lewd talk and/or behavior is apparently a legitimate campaign issue now, we'll quote the Material Girl directly: "If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blowjob, OK? Swear to God. And I am good. I’m good. I’m not a douche and I’m not a tool. I take my time, I, uh, have a lot of eye contact. Yeah? And I do swallow."

Which sure helps with those dry cleaning bills, right Mr. Clinton?

Split Decision

Granted, this isn't the most subtle cartoon we've ever run, but there's very little room left for subtlety in this election cycle. And despite the accuracy of the sentiment expressed, we almost certainly will be watching tonight's final debate between the most criminal candidate ever to run for president and her loony duck-lipped opponent (and yes, we're going to vote for him and then flagellate ourselves with a cat o' nine tails as penance).

This will, in fact, quite likely be our final televised presidential debate too, as we can't currently imagine the process of selecting candidates or voting in presidential races to have any real meaning in the future.

Still, we'll be watching tonight because we've always enjoyed theater (particularly of the Grand Guignol variety) and we think there's a real opportunity for fireworks tonight. And not just metaphorical fireworks; Trump may actually light a cherry bomb hoping to trigger a seizure in Hillary.

Or maybe he'll just start listing all of Hillary's new scandals that have come out since the last debate: having the State Department pressure the FBI to help conceal her crimes,  using her high office to grant political favors to the "Friends of Bill" who donated to the Clinton Foundation, sensitive documents from Hillary's private server turning up on the "dark web," and the explosive undercover footage from James O'Keefe and Project Veritas which proves that the DNC and Hillary Campaign really are "rigging the election" as Trump has alleged.

And there's more, of course. With the Clintons, there's always more - and there always will be. They are the Earth's most perfect source of unending, renewable corruption.

We'd say more, but we want to save a little strength for tonight's ordeal. And by "a little strength," we mean what's left in our bottle of Scotch.

Joe Byte 'Em

Sometimes, a news story is so ripe that we can't make up our minds about what comedic direction to take - especially if it involves Joe Biden. So here's a Monday twofer!

In case you're lucky enough not to know the convoluted tale that we're referring to, the Obama administration has accused Russia of hacking the email accounts of Hillary, her campaign manager, and Democrats in general and giving the information to Wikileaks in order to criminally influence our sacred national election by revealing the truth about how despicable everyone on the left is.

Hope n' Change isn't buying the whole "Russian plot" scenario for several reasons: it's of no obvious benefit to Putin, the theory is being advanced by congenital liars who are in full fanny-covering mode, and so far zero evidence of Russian involvement has been offered. Frankly, we think this is all an orchestrated con game intended to soften up Americans for government seizure of the election process in the name of "security."

But that hasn't stopped Joe Biden (apparently taking time off from his extra-special presidential "moonshot" assignment to cure cancer) from declaring that the U.S. is about to engage in a full-blown cyber attack on Russia. Although the odds of our pulling off a sneak cyber attack just got a helluva lot worse thanks to the motor-mouthed veep.

The idea of Old Blank Joe being anywhere near cyber warfare is terrifying - but no more so than the latest brainstorm from Donald Trump...

Grab 'em by the pissy.

On Saturday, Trump said "(Hillary and I) should take a drug test prior (to the final debate), because I don't know what's going on with her. At the beginning of her last debate she was all pumped up at the beginning and at the end she was like, 'Oh, take me down.' "

Trust us, Donald - that describes a lot of us who saw that debate. 

Meanwhile, despite some allegations from Hillary's surrogates that Trump's dramatic sniffing and snorting in previous debates could suggest either cocaine use or a singularly aggressive booger, no general call has been issued from Hillary's camp for her opponent to be tested for performance enhancing drugs. Perhaps because, while debating, he has yet to demonstrate anything remotely like enhanced performance.