Monday, June 29, 2015

Barrying The Dead

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, charleston, dylann roof, murders, eulogy, church, racism

It now seems that the shooter in the Charleston, SC church massacre did not act alone. Because according to Barack Obama's eulogy for the victims, God is the unindicted co-conspirator.

In his remarks, the president asserted that the killer was actually being used by God to help raise awareness of a host of issues which just happen to perfectly align with Mr. Obama's political agenda and clear distaste for white people.

The president warmed up the crowd by reminding them "over the course of centuries, black churches served as hush harbors, where slaves could worship in safety. Praise houses, where their free descendants could gather and shout “Hallelujah.” Rest stops for the weary along the Underground Railroad. Bunkers for the foot soldiers of the civil-rights movement."

All well and good - but it was only preamble. Knowing that there's no political hay to be made from a single racist lunatic acting alone, it was then necessary for the president to make this punk killer into something larger and more universal...

"We do not know whether the killer of Reverend Pinckney and eight others knew all of this history, but he surely sensed the meaning of his violent act. It was an act that drew on a long history of bombs and arson and shots fired at churches, not random but as a means of control, a way to terrorize and oppress."

Having made the connection, and establishing that he was speaking for God (Who apparently uses both murderers and lying political weasels as His messengers) Obama ticked off the things that the Almighty hoped to accomplish with His bloodbath: the end of public displays of the Confederate flag, more government spending on schools, less poverty (i.e. "income inequality"), changes in police training and equipment, and greater leniency for those black men "caught up" in the criminal justice system.

Also on God's list of demands, evil white employers shouldn't favor a job application from "Johnny" over one from "Jamal," voter ID laws are an abomination which must be cast into the fiery pit and, unsurpisingly, "we express God's grace" by supporting tougher gun control laws.

All in all, Hope n' Change thinks Obama did a masterful job (as usual) of saying one thing while implying the exact opposite; of using words which sounded healing while they ripped open and salted old wounds. Words which had the semantic ring of faith, but the clearer tones of division and crass political opportunism.

Frankly, we don't think that it was God's plan to take advantage of these horrendous murders. We think that's more Mr. Obama's style.

Nor do we think that the president, who has religiously avoided church attendance ever since the good old "God DAMN America" days spent with Reverend Jeremiah Wright, was in any way speaking for the Almighty.

Rather, Obama was mixing his lies with truth - a skill which comes from another source entirely.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Roberts Rules of Disorder

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, obamacare, supreme court, subsidies, roberts
Guess who ELSE is sunk now, too?
In a puckish twist of fate, Hope n' Change was preparing for our Friday morning colonoscopy when we got the word of the Supreme Court's insane ruling in support of Obamacare subsidies. The good news is that we no longer need to chug a couple of gallons of laxatives because we just shit ourselves.

Normally, we'd apologize for using that expletive - but according to dissenting Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia in reference to the majority's bizarre ruling, "words no longer have a meaning."

And Chief Justice John Roberts (who at this point should be credited as the co-author of Obamacare along with Jonathan "the voters are stupid" Gruber) apparently agrees, saying "in this instance, the context and structure of the act compel us to depart from what would otherwise be the most natural reading of the pertinent statutory phrase."

But what context and structure is he referring to which compels a departure from reality?

According to Roberts, "Congress passed the Affordable Care Act to improve health insurance markets, not to destroy them. If at all possible, we must interpret the act in a way that is consistent with the former, and avoids the latter."

So Roberts is again violating his duties by ruling on what he believes the intent was when one political party unilaterally passed an act they hadn't bothered to read. And in coming to his conclusion, Roberts has had to ignore Jonathan Gruber's plainspoken admissions that the Act was written to deliberately punish states which did not establish their own healthcare exchanges. The "pertinent statutory phrase" was clear, deliberate, and the exact opposite of what Roberts is now saying.

But let's go a step further. Contrary to Roberts' opinion, the Affordable Care Act was written to destroy health insurance markets, so that when the full implementation of Obamacare fails (as it is already doing), no market solution will exist on which to fall back. The only choice will be single-payer socialized medicine, which has always been the goal of Obama and his minions - not to improve healthcare, but to solidify absolute control over our lives.

This is a sad day for any Americans who still looked to the Supreme Court as a possible counterbalance to the wild excesses of the Executive branch of government. That ship has clearly sailed and, with the mournful strains of "Nearer My God To Thee" echoing in the darkness, sunk from sight.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

That's N-tertainment

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, wtf, what the fuck, mark maron, racism, dna
Putting the "coarse" in "discourse."
Barack Obama recently took time out from his busy, busy schedule to appear on the popular podcast "What The Fuck with Mark Maron" (which is frequently but not always truncated to "WTF," even though the show's listeners refer to themselves as What The Fuckers, What The Fuckniks, and What The Fuckaneers).

Unsurprisingly, the wide-ranging and totally obsequious interview ranged into matters of racism in America, about which the president said "we are not cured of it. And it's not just a matter of it not being polite to say nigger in public."

Which Hope n' Change completely agrees with! We think racism also encompasses things like keeping black kids in horrible schools by preventing school choice, the overall "soft bigotry of low expectations" which holds blacks to lower standards than other racial groups, and turning your back on the insane murder rate of inner city black Americans just because the murderers also tend to be black.

But just how bad is racism in America today? According to Obama, "the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, discrimination in almost every institution of our lives—that casts a long shadow, and that’s still part of our DNA that’s passed on."

Really, Barry?  Almost every institution in America is racist, and racism - rather than apple pie - is what's baked into our national DNA?

Frankly, it's hard for us to imagine a more divisive, America-hating, race-baiting lie coming out of the mouth of any politician - let alone a black man who has inexplicably been elected to the presidency twice by voters of all races.

That's a talking point that we'd like to discuss further with the president in person, and we're willing to create our own delightfully edgy podcast if that's what it takes to finally get him to have an honest conversation.

So, Mr. Obama, have your people call my people and we'll set up a recording date for the premiere episode of "Back Up And Say That Again, Asshole."