Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Biden His Time

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Yes We Vatican.
As Democrats grow increasingly nervous about having a cantankerous cackling criminal crackpot ("...and I'm a woman! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!") as their 2016 frontrunner, momentum is building for a possible run by lovable vice president Joe Biden.

The veep is currently thought to be giving serious consideration to getting in the race, but has said he won't announce his decision until September. Which isn't surprising, considering how long anyone with an iota of sanity would want to chew on the long, long list of people who've "coincidentally" died in unpleasant and unusual ways after getting between the Clintons and a political office.

Frankly, we're hoping that Uncle Joe will throw his hat in the ring, if only for the pleasure of seeing campaign posters that say "Biden: A Big F*cking Deal."

Meanwhile, on the Republican side...

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We'd tell Lucy to just watch until she needs glasses, but it's already too late.
Thursday will see the top ten Republican candidates debating simultaneously, somehow, on Fox News. Theoretically, the candidates will have only a single minute to answer questions, which doesn't sound like it's going to encourage much depth or nuance. But the format should work fine for those candidates who already express themselves in unsubtle soundbites and tweets.

Hope n' Change will be watching the debate (as well as "Close But No Cigar: 2016," the follow-up debate for the GOP candidates who didn't make the top ten list) but we're not really expecting much in the way of surprises or insights. We are looking forward, however, to taking a belt of whiskey every time the word "Trump" is mentioned.

And finally...

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Yesterday was Barack Obama's 54th birthday, which he celebrated by taking a deep breath, making a wish, and then blowing out the coal industry.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Stirruptitious Behavior

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This has been a public cervix announcement
Much to the delight of news coprophiliacs nationwide, Hillary Clinton took a huge document dump on Friday. (Note: for those unfamiliar with journalistic parlance, a "dump" occurs when a politician pushes out a large quantity of unpalatable, undigestible material - usually on a Friday - in hopes that the stink will clear before anyone notices. In other words, it's exactly like the other kind of dump.)

In this case, Hillary dropped a deuce - which is to say, she simultaneously released documents on two subjects: her personal health and finances.

According to her doctor, Mrs. Clinton is in "excellent physical condition" (despite needing an orthopedic pantsuit) and presented as "normal" when displaying her qualification for the presidency during a gynecological exam. He also said that she has overcome the blood clot found in her head following a concussion in 2012 which occurred when she fainted owing to an (ahem) "stomach virus." A stomach virus which, some unverified sources have suggested, she was trying to knock out at the time with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Financially, the Clintons are also in excellent condition - having "earned" (like most middle class families) $28 million in speaking fees in 2014 for talking about themselves, despite not being able to recall anything about their past when under oath. And generously, the Clintons gave $3 million to charity in 2014 - which would be a lot more heartwarming if the charity hadn't been the Clinton Family Foundation (which it was).

By wild coincidence and probably not indictable conspiracy, the State Department also took a massive Hillary dump on Friday, offering up more heavily-redacted documents which had been transmitted on the unsecured private email server which was installed in her mansion by young "Geek Squad" technicians with Russian accents.

According to a State Department spokesman, there was nothing classified in the latest round of emails and the many thick black redaction markouts were probably just scribbles left over from the period when post-blood clot Hillary was relearning how to use pens, eating utensils, and lies.

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Friday, July 31, 2015

Friday Foursome

We weren't feeling hugely wordy today, so we're experimenting with giving you a generous brain dump of cartoons with minimal commentary...

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As much traction as the Cecil story is getting, we're surprised that Obama hasn't quickly pencilled a "Save the Lions" clause into his deal to ram it through Congress. Because lions are clearly more lovable than Israelis, right?

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Meanwhile, the ongoing barf-o-ramic Planned Parenthood story has everyone on the Left clamoring that killing is hunky-dory as long as the remnants don't go to waste. Which made us wonder just where Debbie Washitin-Schlitz did get her shaggy mane...?

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Hey, Hope n' Change isn't heartless, and we feel bad about Cecil too. But this made us feel better.

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Finally, we really hope that the discovery of a piece of aircraft wreckage may help finally solve the mystery of the missing Malaysia Airlines jet. We only wish that similar attention would be paid to other unsolved mysteries in which people died tragically (yes, Hillary - Benghazi does still matter to some of us).