Friday, September 30, 2016

Berned Beyond Recognition

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There are few things sadder in this world than a broken down old whore. Although on the plus side, there are also few things more affordable.

Which is why we assume Hillary Clinton got a great deal when retaining the (ahem) "services for hire" of former presidential candidate, and former Democrat, Bernie Sanders for a stump appearance (so to speak) in which he raspingly touted her candidacy to young voters who currently find her about as appealing as genital warts.

On Wednesday, the curmudgeonly old socialist was thrown onto a stage to ask a university crowd "Are you ready to transform America?!" then declaring Hillary's dust-covered liberal rhetoric and ideas to be "revolutionary!"

Lo, how the mightily annoying are fallen.

Bernie's entire campaign (which is now documented to have been repeatedly and thoroughly screwed by Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Committee) was based on fighting all the things which Hillary exemplifies: shady dealings with bankers, corruption, entrenched and failed policies, and the further reinforcement of government of the wealthy, for the wealthy, and by the wealthy.

Did Bernie ever have actual integrity on the campaign trail, or was he just a plant to run to the left of Frau Clinton to create the illusion that she was moderate? The question is moot at this point, as he has clearly and unquestionably sold out.

And, we're guessing, at a price that will get you change back from a dollar bill.

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Yes, we have stock in an eye bleach company.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Taking Debate

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"Then I'd tell America to plead the Fifth Amendment."
Monday night's Presidential Debate was, um, interesting in the Chinese curse sense. Analysis of who won the debate itself is all over the spectrum, because no one knows anything anymore about what, if anything, is going on in the minds of voters. So Hope n' Change will share our honest and considered opinion, but it hardly matters - rationality is no longer a major factor in this race. Nor a blessing to those still afflicted with it.

In our view, we saw a largely out-of-control contest (nice moderating, Lester!) between a master schemer and a stream-of-thoughter. Hillary wore a robotic smile as she lied and lied with well rehearsed, entirely scripted answers. Trump seemed somewhat unclear on the idea that "answers" should be at least tangentially related to the "questions," lacked anything remotely like specifics, but did not disappoint in the bombast category.

There were multiple opportunities for Trump to utterly destroy Hillary - and he unfortunately missed every one of them. He was like a man at a buffet who had no plate. In the future, he needs to listen harder to what Hillary is actually saying so he can take advantage of her more ludicrous statements.

All of that considered, Hope n' Change still believes it's vitally important to vote against Hillary on election day. Largely unchallenged, she spouted nonsense like Reagan's economic policies being the cause of the 2007 financial crash, Rudy Giuliani's "stop and frisk" policies in New York being ineffective (they dramatically reduced crime), the tremendous "success" of the Iran nuclear deal, the idea that jobs will be magically created by making the evil rich pick up the bill for meaningless "free" college educations, and the implementation of new, draconian training programs to force all police officers to deal with their "implicit racism."

In recent weeks, we've actually seen considerable improvement in Trump's demeanor and rhetoric at rallies, so it's possible that debates simply aren't his thing. For that reason, Hope n' Change isn't devoid of hope - but we are looking forward to more change in Mr. Trump's next debate appearance.


Just to lighten today's somewhat grumbly mood, here's another old cartoon by Stilton's father. This pretty much captures what happens in the Jarlsberg household every time Hillary opens her mouth...

Monday, September 26, 2016

Collision Coarse

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Frankly, we don't know what's going to happen tonight at the initial Trump vs Clinton debate, but we expect it to be as cataclysmic as the incident pictured above, albeit with potentially fewer survivors (politically, at least).

Hillary Clinton's campaign has cleverly been planting so many stories about her ill health in the media that it's likely many viewers will pay no attention whatsoever to her strident yammering, and will instead spend their time watching for her to cough up blood, drop like a bag of hammers from her elevated podium, have a seizure of some kind, or have one runaway eyeball bouncing around her eye socket like a billiard ball while the other gives her standard death glare directly at the camera.

Trump, of course, is a complete wild card. Despite certain opinions to the contrary, Hope n' Change believes that Trump came in dead last in every single Republican primary debate - but nobody cared because they liked hearing him shout that his opponents were liars, JFK assassination conspirators, or had tiny dicks.  None of which is easy to do when you're flapping your arms and speaking through duck lips.

That being said, Trump has been somewhat more circumspect on the campaign trail lately, and he's surely being advised to present this more dignified persona during the debate. And since Hope n' Change is supporting Trump as the most "not Hillary" candidate still in the race, we think that's a good idea.

But... our heart of hearts, we're really hoping he'll go "full Donald" on Hillary for the entire 90 minutes. We want to see that wretched woman transfixed with horror as he reels off her long, long litany of sins, scandals, failures and felonies. Benghazi! Vince Foster! Character assassination and intimidation of Bill's "bimbos!" Influence peddling! Calling Americans "irredeemable" and "deplorables!"

Let's hear about her suspicious investing in cattle futures! The firing of the White House travel office staff! The Hillarycare debacle! Imaginary Bosnian sniper fire! The blue (or was it blew?) dress and the "vast Right Wing conspiracy!" Clinton Family Foundation tax fraud! Donations from murderous foreign powers! Convenient brain damage when under oath! Trafficking in watered down AIDS drugs for Africans! High-dollar secret speeches for bankers! Revealing classified information through gross and deliberate negligence! A record of 100% failure as Secretary of State! Lying to the FBI, the DOJ, Congress, and everyone else she's ever met!

We do not, however, think The Donald should lower himself by making ugly references to Hillary's bizarre clothing, wicked witch cackle, or the possibility that Chelsea is Webb Hubbell's love child.

That job belongs to those of us in journalism.


And her belief that no one should be allowed to work without union membership is pretty friggin' annoying, too. (Full disclosure: we added the silent movie music to underscore the melodrama)