Friday, May 27, 2016

Lady & The Trump

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Donald Trump "sealed the deal" Thursday when his delegate count pushed over the magic number of 1,237 with multiple states left to go to further pad his margin of victory.  The people have spoken - and they're using very short (frequently 4-letter) words.

While Hope n' Change isn't wildly enthusiastic about Mr. Trump owing to some policy differences (we favor having policies), we suppose we'll now have to be more supportive of his campaign. Which would mean not pointing out that he sounds almost exactly like Billy Mumy in the scariest-ever episode of "The Twilight Zone," in which 6-year-old Anthony Fremont has zero impulse control coupled with absolute power over his terrified parents and neighbors.

At one point in the show, Anthony glares at a man who isn't supportive enough and says, "You're a bad man! You're a very bad man! And you keep thinking bad thoughts about me!" At which point Anthony uses his yuuuge mental powers to turn the man into a grotesque jack-in-the-box, his lifeless head bobbing on a spring, causing everyone else to tell the angry child, "You done good! You done real good, Anthony!" so as not to incur his wrath.

With that as preamble, we'd just like to say, "you done real good, Mr. Trump!"

Mind you, Hope n' Change is not in the #NeverTrump camp. But we ARE most assuredly in the #NeverHillary camp and the #BernieSandersAreYouFreakingKiddingMe?! camp. So odds are pretty darn good that The Donald will get our vote in November.

Especially if his rallies keep getting disrupted by violent left-wing protesters who are seemingly immune from the law. Maybe seeing a few of them turned into jack-in-the-boxes might actually be pretty satisfying.

Wish us into the corn liquor, Anthony.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

You've Got TPP On Your Shoe

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While visiting Vietnam, Barack Obama took a short break from tourist activities, like posing for photos in front of the Hanoi Hilton and grinning while seated at an anti-aircraft gun, to give an impassioned speech promoting his Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) trade deal which would reduce or remove tariffs on Vietnamese-made goods like shoes when imported to America.

In this way, the president can help make sure that there will be plenty of inexpensive footwear available to Americans who are out of work because their manufacturing jobs have been exported to a communist country where people are willing to work for fish heads, rice, and (if they've read the president's autobiography) the occasional delectable piece of dog.

Mr. Obama went further towards (ahem) normalizing relations with Vietnam by ending a 50-year embargo on arms sales to the country- news which may well kill off any Vietnam veterans who have managed to survive the president's criminally inept VA Department.

China warns that the president's decision to sell weapons to Vietnam increases the likelihood of severe military repercussions. But at least it's good to know that when we all need to run for our lives, we'll have cheap shoes in which to do so.

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Well played, sir. Well played.
Hope n' Change hasn't fallen in love with Donald Trump yet, but we've got to give him style points for his most recent "non-attack" attack on Hillary Clinton.

Specifically, he mentioned the old (and not altogether unbelievable) allegations surrounding the highly mysterious death of Clinton White House aide and legal counsel Vince Foster, calling the details "very fishy." He then demonstrated his idea of taking the "high road" on such intrigues...

“I don’t bring [Foster’s death] up because I don’t know enough to really discuss it,” Trump admitted, “I will say there are people who continue to bring it up because they think it was absolutely a murder. I don’t do that because I don’t think it’s fair.”

We appreciate The Donald's principled approach to running a nice, clean campaign and look forward to him "not mentioning" the many other scandals and accusations associated with the Clintons in the near future.

After all, we need a dirty mud-slinging presidential campaign like Ron Brown needs a hole in the head. Well, another hole in his head.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Any Way The Wind Blows

Patrons at the National Gallery consider the bold new work "Obama's Legacy."
We won't lie to you (although we'll frequently kid you a little) - there was nothing in the news today that really inspired us enough to deserve our usual huffing-and-puffing cartoon and commentary treatment.  Just more of the same bleak news which is contributing to our graying hair (what little is left of it) and potential cirrhosis.

Oh, there was one story which seemed potentially ripe for comedy. Obama hosted his final White House Science Fair (from which the priceless picture above was taken) and used the opportunity to form a Kids Advisory Science Committee to help him come up with ways to curtail climate change and cure cancer. A funny idea, right? Right...?

Only we couldn't bring ourselves to joke about it (although we were itching to drag out our old "Ahmed the Clockmaker" material). Because unlike Obama's legacy, which will bring nothing but grief, these math and science-oriented kids really will be the ones working to invent solutions for the world's many challenges.  And despite Hope n' Change's usually cynical attitude, that's something we actually believe is worth celebrating.

Plus, it's refreshing to see the president turning his interest to what goes on in school classrooms rather than school bathrooms. Too bad it's taken 8 years for him to do so.