Carol of the Beltway

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Surprising absolutely no one, Harry Reid browbeat, bullied, and bribed Senate Democrats to vote 60-39 in favor of his healthcare bill, early on Christmas Eve.

Assuming full passage by the House, an average family we'll call the "Crachits" will be affected in the following ways:

1) Father Bob Cratchit will have to give up his one lump of coal for the fire at work, owing to the negative health impact of greenhouse gasses.

2) Mrs Cratchit will be strongly encouraged to get federally-funded abortions rather than bring more babies into the world.

3) Lacking health insurance, the family will have to pay new federal fines which will force the children into workhouses.

4) Son Tiny Tim will have his foot chopped off by a greedy diabetes doctor who just can't seem to break the habits he developed before Obama was president.

God bless us, every one...

Christmas 2009

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Merry Christmas to the wonderful readers of "Hope n' Change." Take time today to enjoy your families, your faith and your freedoms...and to remember the men and women who serve, and have served, so selflessly to make this country a beacon of light and genuine hope for the world.

North Poll

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As noted Republican pundit Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Santa any of the time."

Of course, Obama isn't succeeding at fooling most other people these days, either. A recent "Naughty or Nice" Rasmussen poll shows the president's approval rating at only 44%, while a whopping 46% "strongly disapprove" of his performance.

So enjoy your first Christmas in the Whitehouse, Mr president...but don't get used to it.

Yule Log

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Noted holiday elf, Nancy Pelosi, has likened the impending healthcare bill to "a Christmas gift to the American people." Specifically, a gift that people don't want, which doesn't fit, purchased with their own money at an astronomically inflated price.

According to recent polls, only 37% of voters think the Democrats' bill will bring any improvement at all. Stunningly, another poll shows that 37% of people like fruitcake. Is the Democrat-fruitcake connection sheerly statistical coincidence? We think not! And we also think we know what that big, steaming platter is that's headed our way from Washington...

37% of poll respondents like fruitcake.

Curly Tales

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To help ram through a healthcare bill that the American people overwhelming don't want, Harry Reid has been using massive amounts of taxpayer money to buy votes from his Democratic Parliament of Whores*.

Of course, there's nothing new or unusual about buying votes. Obama swept into the presidency by buying the votes of the greedy and ill-informed with promises of free healthcare, jobs, "Obama money," and delicious, delicious pie.

But buying the votes of senators is a bit more complicated because they won't settle for empty promises - they insist on real money, and plenty of it. And the worse the bill is for America, the more expensive those purchased votes become. Currently, the bribes are in the tens of billions...and rising. What does that tell you?

(*Credit to writer PJ O'Rourke for this perfect description of politicians)

Job Boom

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To prove that Women's Liberation has finally found a place in the Middle East, females are now eligible for "martyrdom missions" in which they blow themselves to smithereens in order to free up the men to do more "important" tasks for jihad.

It just goes to show that in the overseas employment market, no "glass ceiling" can stand up against a woman's motivation, intelligence...and a C4 bomb vest.

60 Is The New 30

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Harry Reid has now found (and by "found," we mean bought, bribed, and threatened) the 60 Democratic senators necessary to pass his healthcare bill. To add insult to national injury, the vote is planned for Christmas Eve.

To say "thank you" to Santa for the gifts he brings, the traditional reward is cookies and milk. To say "thank you" to the Democrats for their Christmas Eve gift, we also recommend something traditional: tar and feathers.

(Legal disclaimer: Hope n' Change does not condone or encourage the application of tar and feathers to politicians no matter how badly they betray the voters, but makes the reference purely for satiric purposes. Ha ha ha ha! Pitchforks and torches, on the other hand, are still under review by our legal department.)