Barack Hussein Embalmer

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Just when we thought this president couldn't possibly be more self-worshipping, he's made a speech in which he bragged about one of his campaign supporters being buried "wearing an Obama t-shirt."

Knowing a marketing niche when we see one, we proudly present the stylish new Hope n' Change burial t-shirt for liberals who wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything else!

Obviously, "The One" size fits all...

Breast Laid Plans

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According to Britain's MI5 Intelligence Agency, Muslim doctors trained in England have returned to their own countries to use their surgical skills to insert explosive breast implants in female suicide bombers.

The so-called "bosom bombs" would be undetectable using current scanning technology, and could be set off using a syringe (of the type recently carried by the Christmas Day "underwear bomber.")

While no official strategy has been advanced to thwart potential terror attacks, Barack Obama reminds us: "an alert and courageous citizenry are far more resilient than an isolated extremist." So keep your eyes open, America.

"Sorry miss - the president says I have to."

Another Job Boom

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All of America's top intelligence chiefs have agreed that an Al Qaeda attack on the U.S. is a "certainty" within the next few months.

Whether the Christmas Day bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, has any information which could foil that attack is currently unknown, owing to the decision by Barack Obama and Eric Holder to give him a lawyer and "the right to remain silent" after less than an hour of questioning.

The administration claims, however, that Abdulmutallab is now talking again. Only yesterday, for instance, he revealed that the mint which is left on his pillow each night tastes like "a wintery burst of yumminess."

UPDATE: Showing that he is also a "glass half full kind of guy," Attorney General Eric Holder has issued a letter stating that his decision to Mirandize Abdulmutallab was made with "no objection" from intelligence chiefs...which is the very nicest way of saying, as National Intelligence Adm Dennis Blair did under oath, that neither he nor his agency were consulted before Holder's decision was made.

Either Holder or Blair is lying. We don't think it's Blair.

Wiping Out Deficits

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Although Barack Obama has killed NASA's hopes for a moon mission, he has successfully brought us a proposed budget from Mars.

The president is asking for a mind-boggling $3.8 trillion, and declaring a "budget freeze" that actually locks in current spending excesses at such ridiculous levels that economists are losing hope that America's fiscal future can ever be salvaged.

Rather than cut spending, the president is proposing higher taxes on small businesses (which will further discourage the job market), the Evil Rich, the dead (through a restored Estate Tax), and middle class working families.

Which means, of course, that no Democratic voters will be affected.

Groundhog Day

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Noted meteorologist and political pundit, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his hole today to examine his shadow...after which he sighed deeply, took a drink from his little flask, then returned to his underground lair muttering "wake me in 2012."

Covering the event, MSNBC's Chris Matthews breathlessly said of the groundhog's shadow, "I forgot it was black!"
BONUS: In case you don't own a groundhog, you can now keep track of how much more bad government to expect with the new Hope n' Change countdown widget (in the left sidebar)!

Trial Separation

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After huge public outcry, the president and Justice Department are reconsidering their previous plans to hold their show trial against the CIA and Bush Administration terrorist mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in lower Manhattan.

Concerns were raised about security, traffic, and the enormous expense - estimated to be as much as $200 million a year, and possibly $1 billion total - for a "trial" about which Whitehouse spokesman Robert Gibbs says the outcome is already known...and will result in the execution of KSM.

Of course, a military tribunal could handle the trial at Guantanamo Bay (since it hasn't been closed) with virtually no new costs. We'll just have to wait to see if Obama and Holder are serious about attaining justice or staging their well-choreographed Broadway production of "America on Trial."

Blue Man Grope

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According to his "State of the Union" speech, the president believes that the reason his policies are so unpopular with voters is that not enough people are seeing and hearing him.

Which is why we wouldn't be surprised for him to take a note from James Cameron's "Avatar" playbook (well, besides the notes he's already taken from Cameron about being anti-military, anti-business, and generally anti-Western Civilization) and start making his speeches in breathtaking 3D!

Oh sure, there will be complaints of a lot of people getting headaches and being made nauseous. But no more than there already are.