Friday, August 19, 2016

A Stitch in Time?

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And the brain was from, uh, "Abby" someone.
With rumors already flying about Hillary Clinton's health, people are puzzling over the latest reports that the candidate is taking 96 hours off from campaigning with early voting only weeks away. Is it possible that she needs immediate medical attention - likely for procedures not approved by Obamacare or most major religions?

According to unnamed sources (and frankly, we think it's sad when parents fail to name their children), she's currently being stuffed with youthful organs harvested from kidnapped Bernie supporters, shot up with prenatal stem cells, getting a new Die Hard battery for her defibrillator vest, having her wandering eyeballs realigned, being fitted for a new designer colostomy bag, and getting her vocal cords sharpened.

Hillary is also said to be subsisting on an intravenous drip of rye whiskey mixed with orphan's tears, but as far as we know there's no medical reason behind it - she just really likes orphan's tears.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Just Playing Through

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Generally speaking, we think the British exhortation to "Keep Calm and Carry On" in times of turmoil is highly laudable. Unfortunately, Barack Obama is taking that adage to a new extreme which borders more on laudanum than laudable.

Believing with all his heart that "when the going gets tough, the tough go golfing," the president has not missed a stroke to evince any particular interest in the violent race riots in Milwaukee, nor the human suffering of the victims of catastrophic flooding in Louisiana.

Of course, the White House is quick to report that the president is being kept "fully informed" of every tragic, heart-rending development...except when he's lining up a drive. Or if he's putting. Or shmoozing with his wealthy buddies. Or driving Golf Cart One wildly around the course, making siren sounds, while sucking down lungfuls of the primo bud that he had Malia buy for him.

Now that we think of it, maybe that's not the kind of "carrying on" the stoic Brits had in mind.

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Auditions are currently open for the most thankless - and potentially most dangerous - job in America. Hillary's handlers are looking for a boorish, insulting, Tourette's-afflicted Donald Trump impersonator to go head to head with the former first lady in practice debates so that she can polish her comebacks, cackles, and/or decide whether she'll need regular or super-absorbent Depends for the real debates.

Hilariously, nobody really wants the job because people who get too confrontational with Hillary have a disturbing tendency to end up suddenly dying of natural causes. And believe us, there's nothing more natural than dying when you have 87 stab wounds and a few bullet holes in the back of your head.

Still, Hope n' Change would be happy to assay the role just for the opportunity to finally tell this wretched woman exactly what we think of her and why. Heck, we'll also insult her husband, Huma Abedin, Cheryl Mills, Chelsea, and the entire Clinton Foundation for no extra charge!

After all, they can only kill you once.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Laughing Matters

As the old Borscht Belt joke goes, a man visits the doctor and says "Doc, it hurts when I do this." To which the doctor replies: "Don't do that."

Which pretty much sums up our reaction to analyzing current news stories: it hurts when we do it, so we won't.

This is just a one-day respite, giving us time to de-stress with our vintage TickleMaticand maybe have a belt or two of Borscht. Or, um, whatever else is handy.

The comments section is open - and even we'll admit there's plenty to talk about!