What's Dunn Is Done

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Fox News has unearthed footage of Whitehouse communications chief Anita Dunn praising Chairman Mao in an address to high school students, and encouraging them to approach their personal challenges the same way he did. For those with short memories, Mao Tse Tung's accomplishments include taking forceful control of all news media so only government-approved stories that made Mao look good could reach the Chinese people. He also had his political enemies shot, which we can only assume Ms. Dunn also finds admirable.

So while "real" news channel MSNBC is still where to go for a "thrill up your leg," Fox News is unbeatable if you want a chill down your spine...

Mister Helpful

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Grasping for any travel opportunity which gives him an excuse to leave the Oval Office in a time of war, the president flew to New Orleans to make somber faces in remembrance of Hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately, many residents of the storm-battered coastal states consider the president's brief four hour visit to be nothing more than a photo-op at their expense.

In fairness to Obama, despite "expert" opinions that global warming would cause catastrophic hurricanes this year, it was the mildest hurricane season in 27 years, without a single hurricane making American landfall since the president took office. Coincidence? We think not.

Commander in Chiffon

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Speaking to a Gay Rights organization longer than he spoke with General McChrystal in Copenhagen, Barack Obama promised to repeal the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy which forces Gays to keep silent about their sexual orientation or face a discharge (no pun intended).

Just to be clear, Hope n' Change is neither anti-gay, nor anti-gay in the military. But with American soldiers dying in the field while waiting for a presidential decision on sending more troops, we think Obama's sense of priorities is appalling.

Whitehouse Approved News

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At the same time the Whitehouse is attacking Fox News for an alleged lack of objectivity, outlets like MSNBC are giving airtime to Chris Matthews to fantasize about Rush Limbaugh being killed while "we'll be there to watch." Matthews is also well-known for claiming that all opposition to Obama's policies is racism, and that he gets unusual (but pleasurable) feelings in his pants when he hears the president speak.

While it would be easy to suggest that Matthews is a talentless, violence-inciting ideologue on a crap cable network that no one watches, Hope n' Change prefers to give him the benefit of the doubt. We assume that he must be suffering from a huge, rapidly growing brain tumor that will eventually cause his head to burst like a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin dropped from a tall building.

Which will, of course, be sad. Especially if we're not there to watch.

Duckbilled Platitude

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Despite the president's repeated promises that healthcare reform would reduce the price of insurance, a new study shows that the Baucus plan will actually raise the cost of the average family's insurance by $4000 a year while increasing their out-of-pocket medical costs. Plus, millions of people will still have no insurance at all. Which is why the Dems are rushing to vote on their bill today before these numbers can get to the public.

It all goes to remind us that when the government applies its combined wisdom, integrity, and vision to any problem, no matter how complicated and challenging, they can make it a lot worse.

Hawaiian Saint

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Pope Benedict XVI has canonized Father Damien for his work amongst the lepers in Hawaii. Barack Obama, an alleged Hawaiian, claims that he recalls "many stories from my youth about his tireless work there to care for those suffering from leprosy who had been cast out." Ah yes, who doesn't have fond memories of joining friends on the Hawaiian beaches to swap leprosy stories?

By the way, Mr president, have you considered moving the prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to an unused Hawaiian leper colony? There's great weather, the security of keeping prisoners on an island (instead of the mainland), plenty of available military personnel, and Hawaiian tourism is already in the dumper. And of course, you could be made a saint!

Bonus: from the Hope n' Change Gift Shoppe, a souvenir Hawaiian travel poster!

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Teddy Bare

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In the original draft of Kennedy's autobiography, he boasted about his extreme womanizing and the fortune he paid to keep people quiet - although Mary Jo Kopechne was able to remain quiet without additional financial reward. Even after she died for his sins, Kennedy continued to use and discard women not just casually, but enthusiastically. And the only "abortion bills" this alleged Catholic ever cared about were the ones he was forced to pay.

Kennedy family members removed these admissions from the manuscript before its publication but the news has leaked out anyway, causing shock and dismay to...well...absolutely no one.