Friday, January 17, 2014

Let Them Eat Birthday Cake

In honor of Michelle Obama's 50th birthday, Hope n' Change has created this special video birthday tribute celebrating her ever-present smile, her grace, her dignity, and some of her more-quotable pearls of wisdom.

 So here's to you, Mooch - half a century of hating America, and still going strong!

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Okay, Michelle - Take a deep breath, make a wish, and blow out the zucchinis.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bic It Where The Sun Don't Shine

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Barack Obama took time yesterday to assure the American people that this year, he doesn't intend to let little things like Congress, the Constitution, or laws in general stand between him and his fiendish plans. Which isn't exactly how he phrased it, but people with fiendish plans really like to use a lot of euphemisms when speaking.

Declaring that he no longer intends to wait for the legislative process to work (what with all of those annoying elected officials representing pesky citizens, and the nitpicking Supreme Court interpreting the outdated Constitution), Obama announced "I've got a pen, and I've got a phone!" Which he presumably keeps in the same desk drawer as his hammer and sickle.

In much the way steel-drivin' John Henry swung his hammer, lawd, lawd, Barry intends to swing his mighty pen to assure that "kids are getting the best education possible, (make) sure that our businesses are getting the kind of support and help they need to grow and advance, and to make sure that people are getting the skills that they need to get those jobs that our businesses are creating."

In other words, he'll skip Congressional oversight and funnel more money to teachers' unions, create more business-destroying regulations, and authorize more college loans to make sure our young are never out of debt and our nation will never fall behind in the critical production of Gender Studies professors.

Meanwhile, with his mighty phone he intends to personally speak to a lot of academic types about his potential executive orders, thereby collecting the same kind of expert opinions which have made Obamacare such a rousing success. What could possibly go wrong?

All of this is, of course, exactly the kind of banana republic dictatorial powerplay that our Founding Fathers warned us against.

And why they designed the Articles of Impeachment in such a way that any executive who abuses the power of the federal pen might well be sent to the Federal Pen.

 Intrepid reporters take pictures of Obama's Magic Pen.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Stand Up Guy

READERS- Okay, today's offering is a little odd even by our usual lax standards. As I've mentioned, I'm cleaning out years of clutter from my office, and one of the things I unearthed was a thick file of jokes I wrote years ago for Jay Leno.

Not, of course, that Jay Leno wanted the jokes. But he would take fax submissions from anyone and, if he liked your joke, he'd buy it for $50.  Which is, after months of trying, what I eventually earned for my one and only joke that made it into a Tonight Show monologue (I still have the uncashed check from "Big Dog Productions," signed by Leno).

By the way, at the time I was also writing for a daily comedy newsletter service providing topical material to radio stations nationwide (and earning some nice money), so I wasn't completely delusional about my comedic chops.

Unsurprisingly, the topical jokes I wrote back in 1995 or so now have a thick layer of unfunny dust on them...but before they head out to my recycling bin, I thought I'd give them a proper sendoff by creating this one imaginary monologue that might have happened back then, but didn't...

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PS: Jay, if you're reading this - I'm still available. Let's do lunch!