Friday, September 23, 2011

Crash on Delivery

It is widely known that in Life and the Obama administration only two things are certain: Debt and Taxes. But we think it may be time to add a third truism: "Every time the administration announces how it plans to help the economy, the stock market is going to crash."

On Wednesday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced "Operation Twist" which will sell off short-term treasury notes and buy more long-term U.S. debt. The somewhat incomprehensible words were barely out of his mouth before the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged more than 700 points over the course of two trading sessions.

Fortunately, thanks to Barack Obama's recent speeches about the "Buffet Rule," we now know that all investors are evil bastards who pay no taxes at all and deserve a good fiscal spanking, so no one important got hurt.

What's that you say? You're in the middle class and your retirement savings are invested, and you just saw a huge drop in your portfolio? That's because you were evil and didn't know it!

Meanwhile, NASA's dead Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite is expected to fall out of orbit today, causing 6.5 tons of flaming debris to come crashing down... somewhere. NASA experts aren't yet able to predict the exact places where You Really Don't Want To Be because, thanks to their new focus on Muslim Outreach, they're only allowed to do calculations using an abacus.

So perhaps they should let Ben Bernanke take a crack at it. Because it really wouldn't matter what answer he finally came up with...we could be sure that the really catastrophic damage will occur on Wall Street.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Operation Fat and Furious

Perhaps because he's been sooooo busy shipping guns to the drug cartels, pushing show trials for terrorists, warning of the dangers posed by conservative military veterans, and defending voter-intimidating Black Panthers, Attorney General Eric Holder seems to have missed some major criminal activity taking place in...his Department of Justice.

According to a new report from the Inspector General's office, the Justice Department under Eric Holder has spent over $120 million on a number of "law enforcement conferences" around the country with wildly extravagant expenses being charged to America's already cash-strapped taxpayers.

$4000 for a tray of 250 muffins (at $16 each), catered lunches which cost $76 each, Crackerjack for $32 per person, $10 cookies, and Swedish meatballs that cost $5 each - and we don't even want to think about how much the toothpicks cost.

This is the kind of criminal waste of money which makes people roll their eyes when Barack Obama declares that government budgets are already tight, and that he will veto any budget cuts unless taxes are raised.

For now, Hope n' Change would like to suggest that the next time Mr. Holder schedules a conference on how to conduct full body scans, he worries less about making sure all the attendees leave with "full bodies."

And Barack Obama should spend $32 on one last box of Crackerjack to see if the prize inside is a decent Attorney General.

He could hardly do worse.


Eric Holder's idea of "Justice being served."

Monday, September 19, 2011

Warren Peace

Today, as part of his alleged deficit reduction package, Barack Obama is expected to announce his desire to enact a new tax rate only for the rich, which he will call the "Buffet Rule" in honor of loudmouth billionaire Warren Buffet, who recently complained that he wasn't personally paying enough income taxes.

Unfortunately, Mr. Obama wants the tax to apply to everyone with an annual income of $1 million or more, no matter where the money came from. That last distinction is crucial, because the reason Warren Buffet pays an effectively lower tax rate than "working, middle class families" is that most of his income is from investment, and capital gains tax rates are lower than personal earning tax rates in order to encourage people to accept risk and invest in American businesses.

If the "Buffet Rule" was passed, it would effectively double the capital gains taxes on the largest investors in America...encouraging them to withdraw their money from potentially job-creating companies, thereby leaving investment decisions to the government geniuses who just blew a half-billion taxpayer dollars on Solyndra.

It's also interesting that Mr. Obama is making the distinction that this tax would fall "only" on millionaires and billionaires, suggesting that he's been aware all along that the "millionaire and billionaire" taxes he has been pushing would actually fall on the backs of those middle class earners and small business owners who cobble together a couple of hundred thousand dollars annually.

Of course, the "Buffet Rule" isn't going to go anywhere...nor was it meant to. Just like his cynical and pointless "American Jobs Act," the "Buffet Rule" is little more than another campaign tool intended to tar Republicans with being "millionaire lovers" and foment a little more class warfare.

But Hope n' Change thinks that Obama may actually be on to something with the idea of special taxes tailored ONLY to specific individuals, and we think the Republicans might actually be willing to agree to some of them. For instance:

"The Hoffa Rule" which imposes a 60% tax rate on any union member who foments violence.

"The Baldwin Rule" which imposes a 70% tax rate on all Hollywood liberals, with an additional 5% surtax each time they go on a talk show to say they're considering running for office.

"The Uncle Omar/Aunt Zeituni Rule" which imposes an 80% tax rate on anyone found to be related to two or more persons who are in this country illegally and sucking up welfare.

"The Ayres Rule" which imposes a 90% tax rate on all book royalties earned by anyone for autobiographies actually written by Bill Ayres.

"The Soros Rule" which imposes a 100% tax rate on any Hungarian billionaires who are also complete assholes.

C'mon, Mr. Obama! Pass these bills and, if you love us, pass them right now!

Don't worry. He promises to stop after the millionaires and billionaires.