Friday, May 20, 2016

Morley's Ghost

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, hillary, murder, morley safer, cbs, terror, ISIS, Egypt, airliner

Longtime CBS correspondent Morley Safer died yesterday at the age of 84, approximately one week after announcing his retirement from the network.

Although the thought crossed our mind, we don't know for a fact that he was retiring to work on a tell-all book about Hillary. After all, the affable and avuncular Safer was not known to have a death wish. So perhaps the timing of his retirement and sudden death is simply a coincidence.

In any event, Hope n' Change will sort of miss Morley. Unlike the insufferable and clueless millenials now pretending to be newscasters, he had actual journalistic experience and a long enough life to observe the interconnected threads of history.

Politically we weren't on the same team, but he seemed like a sincerely good guy in an industry which desperately needs such.


We woke up yesterday to the news that an Egyptian airliner had likely been blown out of the sky by an explosive device. At the time of this writing, it hasn't been confirmed that RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS are to blame, but we're willing to bet that this will prove to be the case.

Also in the news, members of ISIS (or "ISIL" as Obama says, or "DAESH" as Kerry says, or "STFU" as we say to both of those jackasses) tied ropes around 25 alleged spies in northern Iraq and lowered them into a large vat of nitric acid where they died horribly by dissolving.  Members of this alleged "Religion of Peace" sound like they're now turning to reruns of "Breaking Bad" for their spiritual inspiration.

Hope n' Change isn't fully aboard the Trump train yet, but we must admit that with incidents like these (and far too many others) we're warming up to his idea of putting the kibosh on the admittance of (ahem) certain folks into our country until we can develop a genuinely confidence-inspiring screening and monitoring program.

Granted, the odds of the government ever coming up with such a reliable system seem infinitesimally small. But if that means the doors stay shut longer, we think Americans can live with it.

Perhaps literally.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

I Did Not Have Sucks With That Vermin

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, zika virus, mosquitoes, prevention, money, clinton

First things first: this is an appalling joke and Bill "Money Shot" Clinton should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for making us think of such a horrible gag. Oops- Now we've used "gag" in a sentence involving Bill Clinton. We'd claim it was unintentional, but you might find that hard to swallow.

Sadly and truthfully, the Zika virus is terribly serious, and the heightened risk of giving birth to a child who will suffer the lifelong physical and development consequences of microcephaly is nightmarish. It is no laughing matter.

Which is why, for the umpteenth time, Hope n' Change is sorry (but not surprised) to see Washington making a complete mess out of preparations to fight this potentially deadly invasion.

Yesterday, votes were being taken to decide how much money to allocate to this crisis. Barack Obama wanted the most, of course, saying $2 billion was required to prevent the blood-sucking parasites coming across our southern border from wreaking destruction. The $2 billion would presumably be used to put the young mosquitoes in good schools, settle their families in middle class neighborhoods, and give the grown mosquitoes some walking around money until they can find permanent blood-sucking jobs in government.

The Senate, on the other hand, seemed likely to authorize only $1.1 billion to fight the mosquitoes. Which, to us, sounds like it could do the job if the government is frugal enough to go to Costco and buy a few million spray cans of "Off!"

The House is even more reluctant to approve funds unless matching cuts can be made, although cuts tend to draw mosquitoes. And occasionally sharks.

Tea Party types such as ourselves are pointing out that Obama already paid for about $800 billion worth of shovels for his imaginary "shovel ready jobs" program - we say, pass 'em out and let people start whacking each other over the noggin whenever they see a mosquito land. Especially if they land on a Progressive who still thinks DDT is a bad idea.

But for now, let's accept two facts: this is a real danger, and the government is going to screw up anything like a meaningful response. Meaning it's up to us to be aware of things like this:

  • Always use insect repellants containing DEET.
  • Eliminate all sources of standing water, such as birdbaths, flower pots and any containers that could be overturned and filled with rainwater.
  • Keep rain gutters cleaned out to prevent water from standing in drains.
  • Cut back or get rid of unnecessary vegetation around your home where mosquitoes can breed and rest.
  • Keep swimming pools covered in colder months to prevent mosquitoes from laying their eggs there, and drain any water that has collected on top of pool covers.
  • Remove water from tree holes and hollow stumps.
  • Keep windows and doors screened to prevent mosquitoes from getting inside your home.
  • Consider using yellow light bulbs in outdoor light fixtures, as they reduce the number of flying insects around your home.
  • Do not, under any circumstances, allow the mosquitoes to vote in November without presenting ID.
Imagine how much better this would work with a government shovel!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Lowering the Bar

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In a story so filled with irony that we could stick refrigerator magnets to it, former Attorney General Eric "Fast & Furious" Holder will be hosting a high dollar "Lawyers for Hillary" fundraiser in late May.

Lawyers attending the event are required to hand over $2700 and, if they have courtroom experience in criminal cases, their resumés. 

Frankly, Hope n' Change is hoping that rather than an appalling breach of anything like professional ethics, this actually turns out to be a clever  FBI sting operation designed to get Hillary, Holder, and a few dozen other corrupt attorneys packed into the a single room before the doors get slammed shut and the handcuffed guests, writhing on the floor after a gentle tasering, are read their rights.

If that's the case, we're hoping that someone from the FBI will give us a few days advance warning. We'd happily cough up $2700 just to be there when the subpoenas hit the fan.

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In fairness, this may have been the first time Obama ever tried to use a urinal.
Don't look for too much meaning in the above cartoon - it's just a poop joke.  But unfortunately, people are looking for too much meaning in the stupid "transgender bathroom war" declared by the White House and re-energized with the president's latest edict to school systems nationwide.

We don't intend to give the story any more time, as the whole brouhaha (or is it a poo-haha?) has been deliberately created and timed to distract voters from more important events.

It is, quite simply, a tempest in a pee pot.