Friday, September 2, 2011

Take Two Tablets And Call Me

After telling the nation that he had miraculously developed a plan to cure joblessness in our country, Barack Obama made the interesting choice of going on an extended vacation in Martha's Vineyard rather than share his great insights.

But having returned from vacation and touched up his tan, the president has now run into another obstruction which keeps him from sharing the joyous news which millions of Americans are clamoring for: his massive ego.

Because rather than just fire up the teleprompters in the Oval Office, Barack Obama has decided to call an unprecedented joint session of the House and Senate, so he can create enough of a "Moses Down From The Mountaintop" bit of theater for his economic commandments and, as he's done in the past, use the opportunity to belittle and malign his captive audience to their faces.

But owing to a scheduling conflict (and a surprisingly resolute John Boehner), Barack Obama now finds himself presenting his twin tablets to a primetime audience that was hoping to watch the first NFL football game of the season.

Unsurprisingly, football fans weren't happy about delaying the game so that the strident, skinny little president of the Algebra Club can deliver a lecture. And the Whitehouse wasn't happy that people started growling "this speech better be damn important"...because they already know that it won't be. After all, an important speech couldn't have waited for the completion of the president's 10-day golf outing.

And so The Greatest Speech Ever Given, by the Smartest Man Who Ever Lived, is now being moved up to 7 pm so that it won't interfere with the football game...even though it means few, if any, people living on the West Coast will be able to see it (at 4 pm, local time).

However, they should have no problem catching the football commentators who will analyze the speech immediately afterwards...and pronounce it a desperate, and failed, "Hail Mary."

- -

The Big Game starts at 7 pm. After which there will be football.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Towers? What Towers?

We are only a few days away from the tenth anniversary of the September 11 attacks. An event so huge and horrorific that it is nearly inconceivable that anyone could have forgotten the nightmarish visions, the passions, the lessons learned, or the injury to the heart of our nation.

Unless they wanted to.

Or unless they're being lead to think of those attacks in a different way.

Which is why Hope n' Change finds it so appalling that the Whitehouse has just issued talking points and guidelines to make sure that government officials all stick to the narrative that Barack Obama wants for the anniversary of 9/11.

Did you think the events of 9/11 were an attack on America? Don't be foolish; it was equally about "New York or Nairobi, Bali or Belfast, Mumbai or Manila, or Lahore or London." In other words, it wasn't about was about alliteration.

And as 9/11 approaches, are you filled with anger towards Al-Qaeda? Geez, let it go already - after all, the Whitehouse assures us "Al Qaeda and its adherents have become increasingly irrelevant."

Moreover, Americans should avoid making a big deal out of 9/11 because we've subsequently annoyed the civilized (ie, Muslim) world with our policies "on detention, on interrogation, and the decision to invade Iraq." Damn, maybe 9/11 was just our chickens coming home to roost, right Barry Hussein?

In all grave seriousness...this Whitehouse should not be telling any of us how to think or feel about the attacks of 9/11.

The exploding jets, the falling towers, the smoke and flames billowing from the Pentagon, the innocents leaping to their deaths, and the scores of lost heroes were not part of a Hollywood movie.

Which is why it is an obscenity of the most despicable kind for Barack Obama's Whitehouse to create a script to reinvent those events in a way more to their liking... and political benefit.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Rain Gauging

After a new survey showed that Barack Obama's job approval numbers were plummeting faster than the barometric pressure readings preceding Hurricane Irene, the decision was made to pull the president off the golf course and make him sit petulantly at the NRCC center of FEMA, where he would hopefully look like a POTUS instead of a clueless POS.

"My biggest concerns are with flooding and power," Mr. Obama told the emergency staffers, cleverly eliminating the concerns with sunspots, UFOs, volcanos, and giant radioactive monsters which the other meteorologists had believed were the primary threats from hurricanes.

Still, when all was said and done, Hurricane Irene turned out to be something of a disappointment for the president, who had been eagerly adding to Hurricane Hysteria in the previous days, warning that it could be of "historic" proportion. You see, Obama wanted a real gobsmacker of a hurricane so he could appear to have handled it better than Bush handled Katrina. Moreover, a truly disastrous storm would have been more "bad luck" that Obama could blame for his own failings.

Hope n' Change is grateful that the storm's damage, although significant, wasn't worse...and not just because it will annoy the president (though that's a bonus).

With so many humans doing so much to deliberately damage our country from within, it's just nice that Mother Nature finally decided to give us a little bit of break.

The president consoles himself for a lost day of golfing.