Saturday, December 5, 2009

Or Under A Cabbage Leaf

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Barack Obama held a "Jobs Summit" because he's naturally curious about where jobs come from, but isn't mature enough yet to handle the economic "birds and bees" truth that job creation requires tax cuts, deficit reduction, and a stable regulatory environment.

And so the president continues to believe in fairytales...and continues funding those fairytales by taking billions of dollars away from the very businesses that would rather be using the money to hire people.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Bear Truth

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The so-called Climategate Scandal continues to grow, with more and more evidence of scientific fraud, as well as revelations that researchers actually destroyed the original weather data which could have been used to refute their bogus arguments.

Even so, the Whitehouse continues to insist that "climate change is happening," which doesn't even remotely mean that "global warming is caused by man." Even more troubling is the fact that there is currently no peer-reviewed scientific data which suggests that the climate will stop changing (for the first time since the Earth was formed) if we can simply raise taxes high enough...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Crowd Goes Wild

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After thinking longer and more slowly than Rodin's statue of the same name, Barack Obama finally decided that the best way to handle the war in Afghanistan is to reluctantly commit more troops...but only for 18 months, after which we'll get the hell out of Dodge.

Of course, this strategy will only work if the Taliban and Al Qaeda don't know we're going to give up in July of 2011. So please, help keep the president's big secret and don't tell the bad guys!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Swiss Miss

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When Switzerland recently voted to ban the building of minarets within its borders, reactions were fast and highly polarized. Some see the vote as a last-ditch defense of the European culture against Islamization, while others (notably the U.N.) see the decision as Islamophobic and bigoted.

In the interest of bringing peace to the situation (and perhaps snagging one of those easy-to-win Nobel Peace Prizes), Hope n' Change suggests that in lieu of the new law, the Swiss simply create a Minaret Planning Committee and staff it with the people who are currently in charge of rebuilding New York's "ground zero." That way, nothing will ever get built, and no feelings will get hurt!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Big Thinker

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Tonight, the president will make a speech from West Point in which he reveals his (not very) top secret new strategy for Afghanistan: sending 30,000 additional troops while sulking about it, and promising Al Qaeda and the Taliban that we'll pull all of our troops out again as soon as humanly possible.

The president is hoping that committing troops will be seen as actual commitment...but unfortunately, he isn't fooling anyone except his former far-left supporters like Michael Moore, who are accusing Obama of becoming a bloodsucking, imperialist warmonger who will break the hearts of young, idealistic voters and discourage them from ever returning to the polls. One can only hope...

Monday, November 30, 2009

TV Or Not TV

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ABC is pairing Oprah and Obama to remind Americans what is
really important and meaningful about Christmas: politics and celebrity.

Hopefully the Queen of daytime TV will ask Obama why he and Michelle have made it a tradition not to give their daughters presents at Christmas, and what impact it could have on our economy if others decide to give up shopping in December. In fact, we'd like to suggest that Oprah get the president's reaction to the following scene from "Miracle on 34th Street," when an advisor lectures a politically ambitious judge on the fallout of killing Christmas sales...

"All right, you go back and tell them that there's no Santa Claus. It's all over the papers. The kids read it and they don't hang up their stockings. Now what happens to all the toys that are supposed to be in those stockings? Nobody buys them. The toy manufacturers are going to like that; so they have to lay off a lot of their employees, union employees. Now you got the CIO and the AF of L against you and they're going to adore you for it and they're going to say it with votes.

Oh, and the department stores are going to love you too and the Christmas card makers and the candy companies. Ho ho. Barack, you're going to be an awful popular fella. And what about the Salvation Army? Why, they got a Santa Claus on every corner, and they're taking a fortune.

But you go ahead Barack, you do it your way. You go on back in there and tell them that you rule there is no Santy Claus. Go on. But if you do, remember this: you can count on getting just two votes, your own and that district attorney's out there".

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Brain Freeze

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The so-called "Climategate" scandal has revealed that top climate scientists have altered, hidden, and invented data to falsely promote the theory of manmade global warming. Yet the president is going to Copenhagen (on his way to pick up his Nobel Peace Prize) to announce a U.S. pledge to cut CO2 emissions by 17%...a target impossible to reach without crippling American industry.

Assuming the president isn't an idiot, and isn't surrounded by idiots, then one can only presume that his actual goal is the crippling of the American economy. If this sends a chill down your spine, you'd better get used to it - "global warming" won't give you any relief...

BONUS: Just in time for the holiday season, the Democrats clarify their position on emissions!