Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why Is Your Ass Ticking?

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To defeat inspections and metal detectors, an Al Qaeda terrorist recently smuggled a bomb to its target in his rectum...then had another terrorist detonate it with a cellphone call. Obviously, if Homeland Security decides to start checking all passengers for butt bombs, the airlines had better plan to give away plenty of complimentary drinks before boarding.

The only good news is that the terrorist failed to kill his intended victim, and succeeded only in blowing his own bowels into harmless but exceedingly repulsive bits of shrapnel. On the plus side, after forensic experts had measured the width of the crime scene, the dead terrorist was recognized posthumously as "biggest asshole" (at 33 meters) by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Failed terrorist Abdullah Asieri shows off the one-pound bomb
he jammed up his ass in a desperate final attempt to meet girls in the afterlife.

"It wasn't hard," Abdullah said of the insertion. "The camels had prepared me."


Philip said...

We can't say we didn't warn voters in the last election...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

Philip, Sarkozy understands Obama...and fears for the Western world because of it. Of course, we know how he feels.

Buzz Bannister said...

The ticking is pretty bad but that long pause after the buzzer goes of is killer.

Buzz Bannister said...


Stilton Jarlsberg said...

Buzz, as a matter of practicality, I think when any Muslim's ass has a polyphonic ringtone we should all run like hell. However, to prove that I'm not guilty of ethnic profiling, I'll also run when anyone else's ass rings.

Philip said...


US Rep. (D) Alan Grayson said :

'I apologize to the dead and their families that we haven't voted sooner to end this holocaust in America.'

I realize you can apparently set your watch to the regularly occuring foolish and obnoxious outbursts from Alan Grayson, the man who represents Orlando in the House of Representatives, but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that "holocaust" is really not a word you can throw around casually when you're a congressman from Florida.

So, just to follow the comparison, doctors, nurses, and our medical community are the Nazis in this metaphor, right ?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

Philip, Grayson is a rather astounding idiot. He claims that 44,000 people die annually because they can't afford insurance. In the spirit of compromise and bipartisanship, why don't we agree to stop giving away medical care to 17 million illegal aliens, and use the savings to pay for insurance for Grayson's "holocaust" victims?

Of course, if Grayson and others don't like that solution, then they should ask themselves whether it's the healthcare system that should be blamed... or the millions of people currently abusing the system?