Friday, August 26, 2011

Assghanistan



It's true: there is no such thing as a vacation for the president of the United States. While in Martha's Vineyard, Barack Obama has had to deal with a major earthquake, about which he did nothing, a huge hurricane, about which he is doing nothing, and now reports of gas attacks in populated regions of Afghanistan... with our own marines to blame!

According to a published report in the Military Times "Battle Rattle" section, Marines have been ordered to suppress audible farts because it
offends the Afghans.

Now you
might expect Hope n' Change cartoons to mock the Afghans for their hypocrisy and squeamishness...but in this case, we've got to take their side. After all, biological weapons are strictly forbidden under the rules of the Geneva Convention...and it's our considered opinion that despite the potential devastation of mustard gas, chlorine gas, or nerve agents on the battlefield, a genuine made-in-America Marine's Fart could be more destructive than all of those things combined.

We're not talking about the little
hummingbird tweets which squeak out of the commander in chief and smell like cotton candy. No sir, we're talking about thundering, armor-piercing, white hot, "Don't look inside the Lost Ark of the Covenant!" 10-megaton MARINE farts! Even one of which is said to make a measurable change in Global Warming, especially if released near Al Gore.

And so, Marines, "hold 'em if you got 'em"...and
keep that gas from passing while you're "guests" in Afghanistan!

When you get home, you can
finally let it all out.

Hopefully during a tour of the Whitehouse.



The few. The proud. The MARINES.
-

35 comments:

flyfishnevada.com said...

Thank God we're focusing on the important stuff. Nothing worse than offending the people you just liberated from an oppressive regime. I mean really, If a sense of entitlement is good enough for Americans, it ought to be good enough for Afgans.

Pete(Detroit) said...

ROFL
Really
10 MEGA Tonne MARINE Farts
Omg
It Hurts, MASSSTER, it BURNNNNSSSS!!!
Oh, I am in PAIN on this one Stilt...

Pete(Detroit) said...

Oh, forgot the extra floor rolling for AlGore and Gore-bull warming - bonus laps on that...
Seriously, as I remind myself regularly about the micro-waves at work that are not cleared when people stop them early - "if that's your big bitch of the day, you've had a GOOD day."
Ass fart fearing afghans need to effing man up and TAKE one, for the TEAM, if you know what I MEAN.
Or at least snuff(le) it out...

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

Once the scent of this proscription leaks out to all the Marines in country, the incidents of offended Afghans may skyrocket. One hopes the Army, Air Force and Navy personnel will do their part in this offensive. I'm confident they will make their "voices" heard. No doubt this terror will hang like a cloud over that beleaguered country.

Anonymous said...

I spent some time in Afghanistan, and believe me-farting is an IMPROVEMENT!!!

Anonymous said...

Weapons of Ass Destruction!

My Dog Brewski said...

(Anonymous said...

Weapons of Ass Destruction!)

The day after chipotle burrito night in the mess hall.

John the Econ said...

Well, to be fair to the Pootus, ooops, I mean POTUS, I don't understand what it was he should have been doing in the wake of an earthquake or in the eve of a hurricane. After all, all these issues were resolved 3 years ago when he said:

"This was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth."

Quite frankly, I'm more concerned about what Bernanke is going to say in 15 minutes, and what kind of econ-bomb Obama is planning on dropping in his big Labor Day speech. Somehow, I don't expect it to be stimulating much labor.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Actually, the earthquake and hurricane are proof that Obama was telling the truth about his ability to control the oceans and planet: these things happened when he went on vacation.

And speaking of Obama's upcoming Labor Day "Secret Jobs Plan" speech, I think I can see the trap that's being set out by the media. Recently, there have been news stories about Obama installing a famous Norman Rockwell painting with a brave little black girl marching to school against a backdrop of thrown tomatoes and the scrawled word "Nigger." Obama will return from vacation to then dedicate the Martin Luther King monument and speak about the "I Had A Dream" speech. Then his next speech will be his economic plan which, in the media's eyes, only racists could be against. You heard it here first.

And now, let's get back to the serious subject of farting!

JIm Hlavac said...

As Elizabeth I is recorded saying to Robert, Lord Essex, when he returned to court after his absence due to embarrassment: "Fear not my Lord Essex, your Fart did not concern me much, or bother myself." And if the Virgin Queen of England can handle a loud fart, I'm sure the Afghans can too. Or are they really that crazy?

And I take it my plan to sell whoopie cushions in Kabul, to bring a little mirth and merriment to those people, is now on hold? Dang, another business opportunity destroyed by Obama.

Anonymous said...

That such an order could even be given speaks worlds about the Left's systemic destruction of our military warrior caste...filling the senior ranks with politically correct corporatized time-servers whose careers consist of getting MBAs, MPHs etc, expressing themselves metrosexually with due deference to their affirmative action and diversity colleagues, most recently the abject deference to Islam.
Next on the leftist trophy list: the first gay female Marine Corps commander. In a burkah. Who doesn't wear her non-combat-earned medals because insignia are 'heterophallocentric'.

As Gunny Highway opined in Heartbreak Ridge: 'It's a clusterf**k. Sir."

Colby said...

@John the Econ - the only thing BO's grand jobs plan is going to stimulate is Chris Matthew's leg.

@Stilton - I expect you are dead on target. There is a lot of scheming and plotting going on betwixt the Grand Poobah and his minions (the LSM). The eleventh hour is coming soon, and his ratings are lower than Rachael Maddow's brainwave activity. He needs a buzz badly, and the First Wookie probably doesn't let him toke anymore.

@Jim Hlavac - you just need to invent a whoopee cusion that sounds like a person's head being lopped off with a sword.

@Everybody - I swear the radical Islamists come up with shit like this fart thing and the Ground Zero Mosque fiasco just to see if we'll take the bait. And there are those among us (can anyone say "Michael Bloomberg?") that fall for it every time. The perpetrators are probably laughing their asses off and lighting their farts to add to the brevity. Welcome to the land of the offended!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Jim Hlavac- Remember, when whoopee cushions are outlawed, only outlaws will have whoopee cushions.

@Anonymous (two above)- I knew we were screwed when the military started issuing medals for "courageous restraint." Which, by the way, every Marine should now get when he holds in a fart.

@Colby- Good points!

Colby said...

OK, so let me get this straight. If you are a Muslim:
You can't swear.
You can't drink.
You can't look at women.
You can't even fart.

But you CAN:
Chop of people's heads.
Strap suicide bombs to 10 year olds.
Rape and beat your wife at will.
Have your wife stoned to death when you want a new one.
Fly jets full of people into buildings full of people.

I just don't understand, but I think our Marines need to fly helicopters around Afghanistan with speakers blaring fart noises at 140 decibels.

Jazz said...

.
@J-the-E

I don't expect much stimulating of labor, either ... but that doesn't make it any less likely that we'll all feel the labor pains!

... or are those just Marine farts being held in?

Doktor Paulie said...

I WAS going to suggest that in solidarity with Our Boys and Girls in Afghanistan we all hold our farts in for the next 24 hours, and I WAS going to cite my own example after that spicy high-fiber lunch I had, but, well, nevermind...

My other brilliant idea is to start a campaign to buy and mass mail whoopee cushions to the troops in Afghanistan, who, I'm sure, would find startlingly creative ways to put them to use.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby- Yes, it's funny what some cultures find offensive...and inoffensive.

@Jazz- Whether it's labor pains or farts being held in, we should all be doing our kegel exercises.

@Doktor Paulie- Okay, we send the whoopee cushions to the troops, but we cleverly label them "collapsible canteens." Also, we should include instructions making it very, very clear that the whoopee cushions should not be deployed under prayer rugs. That would be wrong - that's for sure.

WMD said...

Like the old joke goes, Buddy Hackett said it I think, the afghanie man, "Excuse me, did you just fart before my wife?" Dirty grizzled Marine, "Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."

pryorguy said...

Personally, I think it's time for a good ol' bean supper for our fighting men! Plenty of red onion on the side, cornbread, too!!

Doktor Paulie said...

@SJ Yes, wrong! Just wrong. There's a local group that sends "Care Packages" to the troops every month. I'm going to contact them immediately with the idea, and a donation.Wrong, I tell you. But, if not us, who? If not now, when?

Jim Hlavac said...

@Stilt, when whoopie ... um, collapsible canteens are outlawed, I shall sell them on the black bean market.

@Annonymous: There already was a "gay female Marine Corps commander." But no one asked, and she did not tell, I'm sure.

But, my my, did everyone have fun with this bit of sad, ironic, bizarre, lunacy. Made my day. Whoopie!

John the Econ said...

@Stilton: You might be right, and I actually hope he tries that, because outside the echo chambers of the newsrooms and Martha's Vineyard, it will fall totally flat. The race pimps days are numbered. Obamanomics has decimated the black middle-class that came into being during the Reagan era. The youngsters who bought the hopey-changey BS 4 years ago were born over a generation after segregation was already becoming a fading memory for those who lived it, and are now painfully wiser.

Playing the race card 4 years after America elected a black President will only look as a desperate diversion from his obvious lack of substance.

Doktor Paulie said...

@John the Econ: Preach it, Bruddah!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- I defy any other conservative website to give equal time to the economy, racial politics, and supernova Marine farts all in the same day. You guys rock.

Anonymous said...

Don,t ever buy a hot link sandwich from the Navy barge, eat it and then go aboard the submarine being worked on. Nasty,nasty,nasty.SBD of the century.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Anon - did you get the hot mustard, and the Kraut? It's the kraut that REALLY sets it into a class of its own, IMAO (A is for Arrogant - I have damned few Humble Opinions...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- Fire one!

@Pete(Detroit)- hot link, hot mustard, and kraut? Better keep your keester away from open flames for awhile...

Doktor Paulie said...

Seriously, She Who Must Be Obeyed set off the explosive gas alarm, part of our carbon monixide monitor in the bedroom, one dark and stormy night after eating (for the LAST time!) some artichoke dip. In a confined space, there could be an explosion. Fortunately, THIS time we weren't on a submarine, so we could open some windows and air the place out.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Personal 'best' was splitting a sausage pizza w/ Her, and washing it down w/ copious quantities of Belgian Tripel, micro-bewed so it was stock full of live (and aggressive) yeasts. Now the purpose of digestive enzymes is to convert starch to digestible sugars. unfortunately, the yeast also see them as 'digestible'... I don't know how much alcohol is produced, but I can surely vouch for the volume of co2!. Funny thing was, she had the nerve to blame ME for the first one.
Windows were not enough, we needed a fan. was worried I was going to need to re-paint that room...

Pickled eggs are supposed to have spectacular side effects as well..

Doktor Paulie said...

Roger THAT@Pete(D)! Will try that next. Worlds to explore! Depths to plumb!

badlarry said...

Truly humbling and serious news there Stilt.

I say in a show of solidarity for our Afghan brothers and sisters during Barack's speech as a mark of respect, we could have a minute's flatulence.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@badlarry- In order to sustain for the full minute, we may need to coordinate the backdoor equivalent of "The Wave," in which you don't begin until the person on your left has been tooting for a few seconds.

Pete(Detroit) said...

oh, geeze, just imagine, getting close enough that people NOTICED? On CAMERA? Get the SServ involved? "Inciting to asthma?" Dunno 'bout pickled eggs, but I'd eat the heck outta deviled.. Have to get some depends, tho, I expect - some of the emissions might be chunky, and that could just ruin your day. (Not to mention your pants)

A New Underground Movement - uniform? Brown Windbreakers...

Peter said...

I just found this website, thanks to Harvey at Bad Example. Late to this party, glad to see this website. I got out of the Corps a bit over forty years ago. Now I admit that I might no be the brightest guy in the whole universe but when I was in, everything they fed us turned to either gas or runny poop. In the Southeast Asian War Games many of us riflemen had to rip out the seams of the backs of our Utilities so we could keep up on a hump.

And now they're worried about farts?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Peter- It's an honor to have you here, sir! Hope you stick around and enjoy the fun (and I also hope that whole "runny poop" thing has cleared up).