Monday, June 4, 2012
When the latest "unexpectedly" catastrophic employment numbers were released last week, Barack Obama had to struggle to come up with someone to blame, since George W. Bush was actually in Washington at the time and could kick his ass if he played the usual "Bush's fault" card.
But the ever-eloquent Obama was undaunted, and said that the unemployment rate had risen because of....clouds, headwinds, and shadows.
Clouds, headwinds, and shadows?! What?! Seriously, it sounds like someone slipped a copy of Harry Potter into the teleprompter, because Obama is apparently blaming our nation's disastrously high unemployment on escaped Dementors from Azkaban!
Granted, J. K. Obama was referring to concerns about the debt crisis in Europe - but he failed to make a compelling case that domestic employers aren't hiring new cesspool cleaners because they're wringing their hands over Greece's underfunded pension plans.
Wouldn't it make more sense to think that potential employers are actually worried about Obama's debt crisis? You know, the one they're expected to pay for? Or perhaps they're feeling a bit nervous over not knowing their tax rates for next year? Or just maybe they're reluctant to hire anyone and be stuck with either an unaffordable bill for Obamacare or a fine?
Nope. The problem is clouds, headwinds and shadows!
Still, Obama's bizarre non-explanation did some good by causing the stock market to drop like a Flying Wallenda hitting a banana peel, thereby punishing a lot of the stinking millionaires and billionaires and jillionaires in the evil 1%.
Of course, that same nosedive ripped a lot more money out of pension plans for the other 99%, but as the president likes to say, "you can't make an omelet without breaking capitalism."
Happily, Barack Obama isn't going to just accept rising unemployment, and is bravely fighting back with an increased number of tough, take-no-prisoners campaign fundraisers (including six he held the same day the unemployment numbers were released, since he had nothing else to do back at the oval office).
Oh sure, it might seem like mingling with wealthy liberal donors all over the country won't do a damn thing to help save the nation's unemployed from the "clouds, headwinds, and shadows." But appearances can be deceiving...
According to Whitehouse Spokes-elf Jay Carney, Obama is also looking for horcruxes.