Friday, January 4, 2013

Auto-pen and Teller

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No sooner was the "American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012" (which raises taxes and offers no new relief) excreted by the House of Representatives than Barry "Choom Gang" Soetoro had his ass back on Air Force One, heading to Hawaii yet again to celebrate the hardworking Middle Class by spending millions of dollars on golf, shave ice, and coconut-shell brassieres for the first lady.

In fact, he didn't even wait to sign the Tax Relief Bill into law, waving his imperial hand as he boarded the plane, saying that his mechanical "auto-pen" (the same one which expresses utterly insincere condolences to the families of fallen soldiers) could sign it without him.

And it's hard to argue that a cold, lifeless, unfeeling, unreasoning machine isn't a perfectly good subsitute for this president - especially since the Auto-pen has no desire to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, where the moist salt air makes rust grow even faster than pineapples.

Moreover, the Auto-pen isn't a blatant liar with anti-American sentiments, which could actually make it a better negotiating partner than B. Hussein when future crises arise.

A recently-spanked John Boehner has announced that he now has no intention of ever having another one-on-one negotiation with Barry again, and will not be party to any closed door negoations with the Prevaricator-in-Chief. Because negotiating with this president is a waste of time and a charade - and Boehner should have known this before allowing Mr. Obama to waste our time, inject uncertainty into the economy, and then reject any reasonable compromise.

Frankly, Hope n' Change prefers the Auto-pen to the actual president, and hopes that the dutiful robot may continue on the job as long as possible. Not that we're suggesting that it should call Air Force One and cook up a plan with the Auto-pilot.

Because that would be wrong. That's for sure!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Same Old Story Problem

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, fiscal cliff, democrats, compromise, economy
Well, the New Year is off to a flying start, as long as you realize that Hope n' Change is tastefully substituting the word "flying" for the f-word we're actually thinking of.

Because the "fiscal cliff" has now been averted owing to a last minute (well, about a day or so past the last minute) deal which essentially gives Barack Obama everything he wanted, and in return gives Republicans the label formerly reserved for Carlsbad Caverns: "America's Biggest Cave."

The Senate passed the first draft of the plan, patched together by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and VP Joe "Hysterical Laughter" Biden,  which called for raising taxes on the evil, scumsucking rich, and lowering deficits by making broad spending cuts to...uh...

Oh wait! The spending cuts are negligible, and the Senate plan actually adds over $300 billion in brand new spending!

This plan then moved to the GOP-controlled House of Representatives, where Tea Party conservatives looked at it like a turd in a punchbowl. Because a plan which raises taxes (thereby injuring the economy) and raises spending (thereby injuring future generations) is no compromise at all: it's simply the economy-destroying nightmare that Obama has been demanding.

And while a majority of Republicans voted "no" on the plan - it still passed the House by getting the votes of some alleged Republicans, virtually all of the Democrats, and useless Speaker of the House John "Crybaby" Boehner.

SOoooo, income taxes go up for those earning $400k or more, their capital gains taxes go up, government spending goes up, and no real cuts are made. And remember the sequestration cuts which were supposed to go into effect to finally, finally force politicians to make spending cuts? The morons in Washington have decided to postpone it for a couple of months,  at which point additional postponements will be enacted so often that everyone will get distracted by the impending birth of Kim Kardashian's bastard child and forget politics and economics altogether.

But that's not all! As a bonus, the bill grants an extra year of unemployment benefits to thank all of the folks who voted for Barry! Hey, money is no object when it comes to thanking the little people - especially when it's someone else's money.

So just how much "deficit reduction" did this "deficit reduction emergency bill" achieve? According to the CBO, it actually adds another $4 trillion to the deficit over the next 10 years. D'oh!!!

Some Republican pinheads, who may or may not be named Lindsey Graham, have said that it was important for the GOP to grab their ankles, sell out the American people, and give up any semblance of principle this time around so they could "save the fight for the debt ceiling."

In all due respect, we strongly disagree with Senator Graham and the horse he rode in on.  We shouldn't save our strength for "a" fight - we should fight every fight tooth and nail. We should fight about taxes, about deficit reduction, about the debt ceiling, about immigration policy, about the 2nd Amendment, about Obamacare, and about everything else that is destroying our country.

But by "saving their strength," the moderates and RINOs in the GOP simply showed Barack Obama that they collectively have no strength - and so the fight over the debt ceiling is lost before it begins, as will be the case with the fight after that, and after that, ad nauseum.

Hope n' Change knows that at New Year's it's tradition to drop the ball...we just wish it had been restricted to Times Square instead of the House of Representatives.

Joe Biden, co-author of the "Compromise" Plan, asks people to guess 
which finger smells like Mitch McConnell and which smells like John Boehner.

Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 - The Mendacity of Hope

What a year 2012 was. A year with genuine hope for change...which never came. Well, there was change, but it was pretty much all for the worse. Still, we have every reason to believe that 2013 will make the previous year look like "the good old days." And just so we don't forget those fun times, here's a look back at some of the precious moments we all shared here on Hope n' Change Cartoons when we weren't drinking.

JANUARY - Barry comes up with a big "jobs plan" to make it easier for foreigners to enter the U.S. with less intrusive security checks under the theory that, given the chance, terrorists would rather see Disneyworld than the 99 virgins.

JANUARY - Barry wasted no time kicking off his campaign goal of turning Americans into bloodthirsty enemies and used the State of the Union speech to attack capitalism and the accumulation of wealth as "unfair" to the envious rabble.
JANUARY - Barry's reelection campaign relied heavily on stoking racial anger. The MSM immediately defined allegedly racist codewords which were offensive to blacks. Conservatives attempts to woo black voters by renaming the "Founding Fathers" the "Consitution Daddies" failed to help.
FEBRUARY - But hey, who needs codewords when you can enjoy blatant anti-white racism? Obama's campaign created a special interest group for blacks only. They also wouldn't let white people use the good drinking fountains.

FEBRUARY - The election was going to be a major battle of dollars and unprecedented mudslinging - both of which could be handled with Super Pacs. Barry had no problem finding donors once it became clear that he pays everything back with interest... using tax dollars for subsidy giveaways.
FEBRUARY - Barry supports the arts by commissioning a fantasy film about his accomplishments. No, we can't actually think of any either, other than his decision to go golfing the morning he could have stopped the mission to kill Bin Laden.  
MARCH - We lost the man we most needed at the time we most needed him. His spirit and work live on, but we'll never know how much might be different today if his voice hadn't been stilled.
MARCH - Barack Obama took to the airwaves to rhapsodize about Trayvon Martin, saying "If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon." He didn't mention that if he had a son who'd gotten the living hell beaten out of him, he would have looked more like George Zimmerman.
MARCH - With the Senate refusing to pass a budget yet again, Barack Obama submitted one of his own. It made no cuts, raised spending, and was such a joke that it didn't receive a single favorable vote from either party.
APRIL - The Supreme Court decides to consider the Constitutionality of Obamacare. Alleged Constitutional scholar Barack Obama appears stunned to learn of the existence of the Supreme Court, and says that our laws shouldn't be judged by people who aren't elected.
APRIL - It becomes clear that Mitt Romney will be the GOP Presidential candidate, causing Conservatives everywhere to contort their faces into pained smiles in public and drink more heavily in private.
MAY - The Obama campaign released the cartoon series "The Life of Julia," showing that women no longer needed husbands or daddies or paychecks because the government will supply everything. Unfortunately, what the Right saw as a sick joke turned out to be a hugely popular message for young, stupid, irresponsible women.
MAY - Since nobody bothered to vet Barack Barry Hussein Soetoro Obama the first time around, a new attempt was made. But the MSM media was still uninterested in his Marxist/Socialist/Radical roots and writings, his dislike of capitalism and "typical white folks," his fraternization with terrorists, and the fact that he eats dogs.
MAY - Shattering all previous records for lying, the Whitehouse actually made the claim that Obama was the most fiscally conservative president in generations. It was a ludicrous statistical and semantic trick. And the MSM lapped it up.
JUNE - Barry stuns dying businesses and desperate job-seekers by declaring that "the private sector is doing fine," and our actual economic goal should be putting more money into increasing the size of the government.
JUNE - Chief Justice John Roberts casts the decisive vote that Obamacare is Constitutional, as long as the unconstitutional parts are renamed. This is the day that the American medical system died - and with it, any love for Chief Injustice John Roberts.
JULY - The bloodsoaked "Fast & Furious" scandal is big news...except on ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, or any major newspapers or periodicals.  Hundreds are dead - and no one on the Left gives a rat's ass.
JULY - B. Hussein trots out another in a series of dumbass campaign slogans, hoping that one of them will finally stick. Each is retired within a week or two after being used as a rich source of Internet humor.
JULY - Despite letting foreigners into Disneyworld, the jobless numbers continue to suck. Which is why far more people started taking disability payments than getting jobs.
AUGUST - The election campaign was in full feces-flinging mode, and nobody was quicker to sling crap than "Whorehouse Harry" Reid, who claimed to have inside knowledge from his imaginary friend that Romney didn't pay taxes. Reid was lying through his store-bought teeth, but the MSM still treated the story as gospel.
AUGUST - Joe Biden brilliantly combined race hatred AND class envy by telling a black audience that it was Romney's goal to put their asses back in chains.
AUGUST - Barry declared that Romney's plan to build the economy was "trickle down fairy dust." Meanwhile, Barry's plan continued (and continues) to be "borrowing insanely will make everyone rich."
AUGUST - You can't buy votes without goodies, so Obama starts promising mush-headed college students that he's going to grease the skids to help them all get huge, impossible-to-repay college loans. Because that worked so well with mortgages.
AUGUST - To woo the votes of women who can't take care of either their morals or personal plumbing, Barry puts Sandra Fluke on the stump (so to speak) to declare that evil, ring-kissing, Pope-loving Catholics are fighting a war on women by refusing to pay for their $4/month birth control pills.
SEPTEMBER - The Democratic National Convention begins. "Fustercluck" is tried out as a new slogan, but eventually gives way to the entirely meaningless "Forward." Convention speeches center on Obama's personal killing of Osama bin Laden and skull-effing his lifeless corpse, secure in the knowledge that the Muslim world won't take offense.
SEPTEMBER - The GOP's hopes that VP candidate Paul Ryan's detailed and irrefutable math will help win over voters is dashed when it turns out that neither the MSM nor voters have even a vague inkling of how math works.
SEPTEMBER - In a huge campaign scandal, Mitt Romney is caught telling the obvious truth about the fact that Americans who are on the dole are unlikely to vote for him and so aren't the focus of his campaign efforts. The MSM reinterprets this to say that if elected, Romney plans to leave 47% of Americans in shallow graves.
SEPTEMBER - Barack Obama invokes Executive Privilege to hide the blame for "Fast & Furious," although it's unknown whether this is to cover for the guilty parties - or simply to hide the fact that Holder is an inept, incompetent, racist boob.
SEPTEMBER - Following the brutal slaughter of Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans in Libya on the anniversary of 9/11, B. Hussein goes to the United Nations to try to praise Islam and pin the blame on an Internet video that no one saw (as opposed to the Democratic convention which everyone saw). He additionally suggests that these sorts of unfortunate things are the result of Freedom of Speech.
OCTOBER - Because there were still no answers about why no one came to the aid of Ambassador Stevens despite having warnings, requests for help, and a big screen TV in the Situation Room telecasting his murder, Hillary Clinton is presumably ordered to take the heat off of Obama by claiming responsibility and flying to Peru.
OCTOBER - In one of the few brief shining moments of 2012, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama meet for the first presidential debate and Mitt absolutely hands Barry's ass to him. The Socialist-in-Chief comes off as a total doofus who speaks a lot and says nothing at all.
OCTOBER - The president's campaign introduces "The New Economic Patriotism," which essentially says that unless you let the government take all of your earnings for redistribution, you're not a patriot.
OCTOBER - Any momentum Mitt Romney may have been generating gets derailed when Hurricane Sandy blows in, giving Barry a chance to plaster his "sad face" all over the news while promising weeping storm victims that he'll cut through government red tape and make everything right as soon as he's finished giving Governor Chris Christie an oil-scented massage.
NOVEMBER - Election day has nearly arrived. A chance to finally right the wrongs of the past four years, as long as it's the political will of the stupidest voters on Earth.
NOVEMBER - Obama wins reelection, handily earning the votes of blacks who he told to hate whites, women who he told to hate men, poor people who he told to hate the middle class, middle class people who he told to hate the rich, young people who he told to hate old people, Hispanics who he told to hate English-speakers, and liberals who he told to hate everything America has ever stood for.
NOVEMBER - Freed by the election from the shackles of reality, Tim Geithner announces that the way for America to avoid hitting the debt ceiling is not to spend less - but to eliminate the debt ceiling entirely, borrow insanely, and hope that the Mayans were right about an asteroid coming to destroy the Earth in December.
DECEMBER - Unfortunately, the Mayans were wrong and Americans need to do something about the fiscal cliff. Or, of course, not.  After campaigning for over a year on the promise to raise taxes on "millionaires and billionaires," Obama is offered a deal which raises their taxes but spares most small businesses. Barry reveals that he had his fingers crossed.
DECEMBER - Just when we think 2012 couldn't possibly suck any harder, a lunatic brutally murders 20 young children and 6 adults just days before Christmas. The Obama Administration and MSM enthusiastically pounce on the deaths to attack the 2nd Amendment and set the wheels in motion for gun-seizing programs in 2013.

DECEMBER 31, 2012 - Hope n' Change Cartoons pops the cork on a bottle of bubbly (better than bursting a blood vessel) and lifts a toast to our many friends and supporters who helped make this year tolerable (or nearly so) and who will continue fighting the good fight in 2013, occasionally ripping out a sonorous, champagne-flavored burp as we storm the ramparts.