Friday, January 11, 2013

That's My Squirt!

Bill clinton, father of the year, monica lewinsky, political humor, stilton jarlsberg, hope and change
Because this week's news wasn't surreal enough already, the National Father's Day Council has declared Bill "Stinky Finger" Clinton to be "Father of the Year." And technically, it seems like they might have jumped the gun a little since the awards ceremony won't happen until June, and just maybe someone will show himself to be an even better father than Bill Clinton in the next six months - perhaps by not sexually abusing anyone.

Of course, the award isn't given solely because of what Mr. Clinton has done for his own alleged daughter Chelsea (and we say "alleged" because Bill Clinton personally claimed to be sterile after raping Juannita Broaderick), but because of the great fatherly messages which he's delivered to all of our nation's youth.

For instance, he taught young girls that oral sex wasn't sex at all - it was just really, really, really friendly. He improved women's health by pointing out that when a tampon wasn't readily available, a cigar could be substituted in an emergency. He bested Martha Stewart by showing how to make a beautiful, inexpensive fashion accessory out of bodily fluids. And giving the best fatherly gift of all to teens across the fruited plain, he made it perfectly acceptable to lie about sex. Including under oath - let alone when being questioned by pissed off parents!

Frankly, Hope n' Change Cartoons suspects that the "National Father's Day Council" isn't really using their heads when they make a selection as stupid as this one (or, in 2007, when they chose Democrat John Edwards, who created an out of wedlock child while screwing around on his cancer-stricken wife).

In fact, we're rather suspicious that there is no "National Father's Day Council," and that it's really just a cover story for a bunch of guys who go out whoring once a week and don't want their wives or their children to find out.

Or was that the Secret Service?

monica lewinsky, clinton, stilton jarlsberg, hope and change, father of the year

43 comments:

Steve Burri said...

Also nominated for the Nobel Piece Prize.

Velcro said...

"I wore your favorite dress" almost snorted a favorite bevereage through the nose, Stilton. Well Done!

Velcro said...

Oh, and my son, who is "out of circulation" for a time, loved Obama Sutra!

The Digital Hairshirt said...

Because Klaus Kinski isn't available.

Will the emcee be Alec Baldwin?

Gang of One said...

WE should demand that 'Hope n' Change' replace 'Doonesbury' on every comic/op-ed page in what's left of dead-tree media.

The Digital Hairshirt said...

Oh, and I looked further into the "Outstanding Mother" award, which this year will go to Debra Messing who has used her celebrity to promote abortion.

Did we fall through the Looking Glass or sumthin'?

Grafton Cheddar said...

I had thought that perhaps Slick was awarded this prize based upon the body count as to how many children he may have actually fathered. Doesn't quantity count for something?

It is well, too, Stilton to finally have had a first hand look at that blue dress, albeit not so great to have had to do so before breakfast. I had imagined it, rather than an inundation of Ozark Offal, to be more of a Slick Slug Trail. Who knew? Turn on the blacklight and that sucker [sic] will be lit up like a Christmas tree!

TrickyRicky said...

What? Why not Woody Allen? Did he win already? Was he ineligible? C'mon!

Colby said...

Love the green slime, Stilton... and thanks for coming up with a good funny that doesn't involve the likes of Bite-Me or Crap Weasel. It's nice to have a small break from them.

I would also say, given a choice (which I'm not) I'd take Slick back any day over Crap Weasel and his little band of thugs who hate America. For all he was or is, he was NOT hell bent on the destruction of the USA. And thank GOD Crap Weasel was not declared Father of the Year! Talk about green slime and spewing chunks...

Irene Peduto said...

SJ - Once upon a time, I'd a thought this nomination was meant to be funny - your cartoon was. I really do believe we conservatives have been outdone by the MSM & Hollywood - else how could "I didn't have sex with that woman" Bill actually ever have even been considered as Father of the Year? Your cartoons keep me "in the loop" since the election. You & Rush are my main sources of info.
@ The Community The Coexist bumper stickers are part of the Unity Church - a former colleague of mine joined some time ago and tried to reel me into her web. She also staunchly defended the One for re-election. Talk about Coexisting! Yikes!
@ Queso Grande - ok to meeting halfway between here & there. But more info is needed to determine a meeting place. I'm in Toms River, NJ - you?

Irene Peduto said...

@TrickyRicky - Woody Allen? NOW that's a really good lefty choice, huh?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Steve Burri- Or is that the "Oh, Bill!" Piece Prize?

@Velcro- Obviously, you are a connoisseur of subtle humor. And if your son loved "Obama Sutra," then it runs in the family.

@The Digital Hairshirt- It does make you wonder about the judgment criteria, doesn't it?

@Gang of One- Hey, I'd be all for it. Doonesbury is an ongoing blight on the comics pages.

@Grafton Cheddar- I, too, thought maybe the prize was being awarded on the potential number of bastards he's fathered, but I think a sperm count is in order to make sure he's actually the biological father of anyone.

Regarding the blue dress, I believe that it's practically an autonomous life form of its own at this point.

@TrickyRicky- The aptly-named "Woody" would have been a good choice. Who can argue with "the heart wants what it wants" when it comes to having sex with your adopted daughter?

@Colby- I, too, wanted today's cartoon to be a bit of a break from the same old, same old (it gets depressing). And I agree that Bill Clinton seems positively benign compared to B. Hussein. Bill Clinton was a bad man and a middling president, but his personal agenda was getting laid - not destroying our country.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@The Digital Hairshirt- I believe the porn-shooting, public-assistance spending "Octomon" has "Mother of the Year" locked up for 8 years.

@Irene Peduto- It's genuinely hard to satirize the Left because they do such a good job of it themselves. Unfortunately, not enough people are laughing.

SusieBee said...

If the qualifications for father of the year are being a lying, cheating, scumbag horndog, then yes, Bill Clinton has it locked up! Unfortunately, he's the left's darling and after Barry, can do no wrong.

I saw a bumper sticker on a big SUV yesterday that read, "Get involved - the world is run by those who show up." It was directly inder her Obama/Biden sticker, and next to her "Actually, guns do kill people" sticker. Bill Clinton as father of the year proves that the "lowest common denominators" are the ones showing up!

Grafton Cheddar said...

@Stilton said, "Regarding the blue dress, I believe that it's practically an autonomous life form of its own at this point."

Yes, I think the dress can probably stand on its own.

Coon Tasty said...

As difficult as it is to believe that anyone could ever have sex with Hitlery, Chelsea Clinton looks enough like Bill for us to be reasonably sure that he was the father. (Hillary "roofied" him, is my guess.)

Chelsea Clinton - I've seen prettier horses.

mlester101 said...

This was the logical selection after realizing that Jerry Sandusky was unavailable...

mlester101 said...

And frankly, I think your description went too easy on the Rapist in Chief.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@SusieBee- I'm surprised Barry didn't get the award. He's previously said that Michelle essentially raised the girls without him, referred to children as a "punishment" (in the context of abortion), and on multiple occasions has referred to his "sons" on the campaign trail.

Regarding your big SUV owner, maybe they're not really stupid, but just want insurance to pay for a new paint job and so are encouraging people to key their car.

@Grafton Cheddar- I have no doubt.

@Coon Tasty- Chelsea definitely looks like her Mom, but basically all men in Arkansas share enough of the same DNA that it's hard to tell if Chelsea looks like Bill or Webb. But there are stories that when the Juannita Broaderick case came to light, including Bill's assertion (to the raped and weeping Broaderick) that he was sterile from a childhood case of mumps, that Hillary went apeshit in the Whitehouse and tossed a lamp at him. Could it be because she knew the truth of the mumps story?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@mlester101- I'm sure Sandusky had a lot of supporters. Of course, they were souvenirs he kept in a drawer...

And yeah, I went easy on old Bill. I just can't dislike him with the same passion I used to now that Barry is stinking up the Whitehouse so bad. I almost miss Bill by comparison. The operative word being "almost."

John the Econ said...

You really can’t make this kind of stuff up. First the Krugman-endorsed trillion-dollar coin, and now this. Did I pass through some sort of time-warp last night and wake up on April 1st?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG7LjVCj50Y

(I guess Jimmy Savile was disqualified because he was dead.)

Actually, considering the "war on the family" that the left has been conducting for the last 40 years, this actually makes perfect sense. In a world view where "Julia" exemplifies the man/father-free post-modern American woman, why shouldn't Bill Clinton exemplify the perfect post-modern father: Sperm donor, and little else of substance?

Once again, the left demonstrates that in their world, it's all about what you say, and not what you actually do. It's okay to live a carbon-intensive, high-profile 1%-er lifestyle and make hundreds of millions off of petrodollars as long as you publicly lament "global warming". And you can cheat on your family, sire bastard children, and spew your bodily fluids in and on whoever wherever, and even allegedly rape someone and still qualify as "Father of the Year", as long as you put on the PC act.

To paraphrase Fernando, "It's better to look than to be good."

Pete(Detroit) said...

Assuming said dress were 'made' in '96, as opposed to '98 when we all learned about it, it would be old enough to vote next year

Just sayin...

Kencor said...

Obviously Common Sense and Sanity are on vacation somewhere outside the country. Keep up the good work Stilton. You and a few select others are all that are keeping me going the next four years.

Pete(Detroit) said...

As for the young Ms Clinton, I had rather hoped that she would be the 'plain girl who grows up gorgeous' type, like Melissa Gilbert (Laura from Little House o/t Prairie). Sadly, she looks much of her mother, and worse appears to have inherited the voice as well. Some days, I pity the fool she married...

Could be worse, tho - see Amy Carter.

momiss said...

I had children old enough to know what they were talking about on the news during this dark time. When they asked me what had happened, my short answer was "Monica's daddy doesn't have a gun."
I feel sorry for and ashamed of her parents at the same time. This should have been handled privately and permanently, imo. At least, that's the way I would have handled it if it was MY daughter!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Your reference to "Julia" directly addresses the real point here: Clinton is getting the award not because of his relationship to Chelsea, but because of his "generosity, leadership and tireless dedication to both his public office and many philanthropic organizations." In other words, he's getting the award for his unending work in making government the surrogate father to all children - while pushing real fathers out of the equation. This is a lot worse than hypocrisy - it's a direct attack on everything that family and fatherhood stand for.

@Pete(Detroit)- And based on the last election, it would also be smart enough to vote.

@Kencor- I'm glad to help, though I try to take this administration one day at a time instead of thinking about four more years.

@Pete(Detroit)- I think the genetic ship has sailed on Chelsea suddenly becoming a beauty. This became embarrassingly obvious when she visited the Romney's ranch and the stablehands kept trying to put her back in the barn.

@momiss- Bill Clinton knew that he could do whatever he wanted and the Secret Service would keep him safe. In fact, he used them to break it off with Monica and keep her out of the Whitehouse. But I shed no tears for Monica herself, who knew she was knob-gobbling a married man who, oh yeah, was also the president of the United States. She put our nation at risk out of her own stupidity and desire for gratification (might Clinton have pursued bin Laden more aggressively if not busy with his impeachment?) and I think the permanent stain on her reputation (and her dress) is appropriate.

John the Econ said...

@momiss, if I recall correctly, Monica's parents were a couple of divorced ex-hippie Democrat activists who were thrilled to serve up their daughter to be used by the President, who's sexual proclivities were already well known. True, I don't think they were expecting what happened, but I don't think they should have been all that surprised. I don't feel the least bit sorry for anyone involved in this national disgrace, other than for those who had nothing to do with it and yet have to live with the consequences; Like a generation of parents and kids who actually heard a President of the USA argue that oral sex was not sex.

In a sane nation, Monica would be held up as an object lesson of what happens to people who make flippant and stupid decisions in their youth; No matter what she achieves in life, be it selling handbags or curing cancer, she will forever first be known as the "girl with the soiled blue dress". Every person she meets, their first thought will about that. The dress could be washed, but what has soiled her can never be.

And you're right @Stilton; Clinton himself has never actually produced anything in his life; he gets to be a omni-millionaire and philanthropist entirely with other people's money. And then gets kudos for giving money he didn't even earn away. For this, he's a hero.

Meanwhile, an actual father who actually made his own money, raised a fine family, is faithfully married to his wife, and took a massive pay-cut to work in public service is ignored. (Imagine who?)

Is this sick or what?

It's No Gouda said...

Stilton: FYI "Shawty Lo" of "All My Baby Mamas" has filed a protest. He believes his upcoming "reality" show will prove him to be "Father of the Year".

Colby said...

Bill's hero is Grampa Gustafson in Grumpy Old Men. "I've laid more pipe in this town that Wabashaw Plumbing!"

I'm not a big fan of boycotts because sometimes they have ill effects on the innocent working schmucks at companies, but folks, it is long past time to actively make MSM outlets suffer for ruining America. Don't watch the big networks and for God's sake, don't buy liberal publications. Wouldn't it be refreshing to have conservative deciding Father of the Year instead of the "screw-your-brains-out-and-then-get-an-abortion" crowd?

@Steve Burri,
I just noticed your spelling of the word "piece." Harf!!

@Y'all,
I have reason to celebrate today; Our new Governor's first major act was to ask the NC State Congress (which has a Republican majority for the first time in 100 years) to get a voter ID law on his desk to sign, ASAP. Good riddance to Bev Perdue!

Anonymous said...

Shawty Lo! 11 kids, 10 baby mamas.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Monica's blue dress is the new Scarlet Letter. Or ought to be.

@It's No Gouda- The fact that Shawty Lo is being celebrated on a television series just shows how far down the drain our culture has gone. And just to be thoroughly politically incorrect, I think it also is the sort of thing that's contributed to the destruction of the Black American culture in this country. When I was young (eons ago) Black people weren't gangstas and hoes. But that's how the Liberal establishment likes them.

@Colby- I can't boycott any of those folks because I already have been avoiding them for a long, long time.

@Anonymous- The fact that our culture now even has terms like "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy" sickens and saddens me.

Earl said...

Oh, don't be so hard on Bill. At least he helped the kids learn about two great American pasttimes, baseball and pie. And of course I'm sarcastic as hell. What a turd.

PRY said...

Thinking back on the Clinton episodes seems pretty tame; he would have destroyed the country too if he could have. Just shows ya how far we've slidden.

Cookie said...

I just keep feeling like I've landed in some alternate universe where insanity is the norm. I'm so glad all of you are there with me because I'm really, really scared of this place!

graylady said...

@cookie
If you're afraid now, don't watch this link. You'll be terrified.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/rrjU-HBkmLE?feature=player_detailpage

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Earl- Are you suggesting that Bill got to Turd base with Monica...?

@PRY- I really don't think destroying America was on Bill's "to do" list. He just wanted sex and adulation.

@Cookie- I think all of us are glad to have a community right here to remind ourselves that it's the world that's gone crazy - not us!

@graylady- As Yogi Berra once said "it's deja vu all over again."

Cookie said...


@Gray Lady--I should remember what they say about curiosity and a cat. I simply had to watch the video. You are right. It was very scary, but it was not surprising as that is something that so many of us have felt about obama--I never believed in reincarnation...until 2008!

John the Econ said...

A reporter asked former President Clinton "how is Hillary's head?

"Well", responded Clinton, "she is no Monica!"

PRY said...

OMG! That's hilarious!!

PRY said...

Howdy, all...just read all your great comments to a great cartoon! I would like to invite you to view my new spot on the web by following the link. I have spoken with Stilt about this a while back, finally got around to doing it. Back in the day, I did cartoons for college papers, local newspapers and sold some to some magazines at times. There is just too much to leave alone, now that we are all in it for the LONG HAUL!
I won't be posting regularly, but do come by. Thanks.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@PRY- Dang, sir, you're talented! I loved your cartoon and hope we'll be seeing a lot more of them!

Queso Grande, The Christie Critic said...

@IrenePeduto,
Pennington. I have family in Belmar tho, we can figure a spot near there? I can drop off my daughter to my SIL'S, and we can meet.

Speaking of my daughter, all I ever have done is try to be stable, comforting, a provider, a confidant, a role model and a good husband so she can have a positive example for her future relationships.

Dang!!! And there were so many zaftig Jewsih gals I wanted to chase but didn't!!!


I coulda had a size 8!!!!(Smacking forehead)
(Sorry, I did not mean to offend anyone; I know nothing of women's clothes sizes, I simply used thast for the pentameter)(which I may have also used incorrectly!)

@SJ, One question regarding your creative process?......do you cover your desk chair in plastic, or do you not damn near pee yourself when you read what YOU wrote???
You have the most amazing ability to make light of heavy matters, and make them as funny as imaginable!

Gary Larsen be darned, you are the modern troubador of the warped reality in which we exist!!!


Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Queso Grande- I wish I was peeing myself laughing, but it's not actually the case. I allow myself an imagined pat on the back when I create a good line, but mostly I just sit here at my (messy) desk gritting my teeth while I work.

I do, however, smile when I hear that people enjoy what I'm doing - so thank you!