Monday, January 27, 2014

You Said A Mouthful

obama, obama jokes, cartoon, humor, political, state of the union, stilton jarlsberg, hope n' change, hope and change, tea party, economy, jobs, obamacare, homeland security, iran, dung beetles

Tomorrow night, Barack Hussein Obama's teleprompter will get a good workout as the president juts his imperious chin and delivers yet another State of the Union address. A great national tradition which we like to think of as "The Fifth of You Lie."

Although the exact text of his remarks isn't yet known, the likely topics he'll cover are already leaking in the media like a dollar store colostomy bag.

His major thrust is going to be "income inequality" and all that goes with it - jobs, the economy, education, and a half-century of progressive, overfunded social programs which haven't made a dent in poverty. Actually, he'll skip that last bit because it now seems like the biggest factor in creating upward economic mobility is having a stable family structure - something to which the Left is adamantly opposed.

The president is also expected to declare that Obamacare is actually a huge success and, after the laughter, hoots, and air horns from the GOP members of the House and Senate die down, quickly change the subject.

Mr. Obama will also push for "common sense" immigration reform, because it's only "common sense" to reward those who've flagrantly broken our laws and strained our national resources. An idea echoed by the Department of Homeland Security's chief on Friday when he declared that illegals "have earned the right to be citizens." Showing that our new secretary at the DHS has an amazingly poor understanding of "rights," "citizens," or for that matter "homeland effing security."

The president will also declare victory in his with Iran, avoid saying doodly-squat about Iraq or Afghanistan, and work in at least one major plug for Hillary Clinton's upcoming presidential run rather than run the risk of being kneecapped by a member of the Arkansas mafia.

Finally, Obama is going to put on his frowny face and make it clear that, while he's willing to work with the opposition party (breaking precedent with, oh, his entire life), if he finds the GOP to be foot dragging on little things like the Constitution, the budget, the separation of powers, and an obsessive attachment to reality, he's willing to issue magic executive orders to get his way, and will use the dark side of The Force to crush the esophagus of anyone who dares talk back to him.

Which he can get away with, of course, because criticizing the president's dark side is racist.


We still haven't settled on her name yet (though we're narrowing the list), but the new pup is already bringing a lot of happiness to the Jarlsberg family. Here, she executes a quick security sweep of the perimeter.



Bruce O'Hara said...

She's good looking and smart, too, it seems!
Her name is obvious to me now, after seeing this clip. She's got that one lone white spot on her back...there you have it...Spot !!
Totally original :-)
Whatever you name her, I predict she'll bring your family much joy...OMG...that's it...Joy!! (kidding :-)

Fred Ciampi said...

We have all heard of Spiderman, the young fellow who, after being bitten by a radioactive spider, gains all of the attributes of the mighty spider. Well, something similar happened to me; I was bitten by a radioactive dung beetle. I didn't get any super powers but I did have a mighty urge to go into politics.

On a kinder note, because of her prowess at security, the new doggy Jarlsberg should be named Chesty. (In honor, of course, of Chesty Puller, USMC).

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@Fred Ciampi: And the famous "Goodnight Chesty, wherever you are"!

@Stilton: She's gonna be a handful, I can see that, also, a whole heart-full of joy. One, actually two suggestions, crate train (you can get some good deals on Midwest wire crate/cover/pad [the cover/pad to create a den] @ so she has "her place" to go to, and get her into a professional training program so she can socialize with other dogs (DO NOT use Man's Best Friend - expensively bad experience with them) - Gloria Stillwell's It's Me or The Dog is a good home training book.

Geoff King said...

This just leaked - Obama's State of the Union Address rough draft:

Opening lie
Condescending lie
Self-serving lie
Old lie #1
Old lie #2
Old lie #3
New lie #1
New lie #2
New lie #3
Big lie
Closing lie
Photo op

TrickyRicky said...

I never watch the insipid one ever, especially the state of the union speech. I do believe you have saved anyone from bothering, with your spot on summary of the lies and straw men that will be offered up.

On a MUCH happier note, I love the puppy. She will help mend your heart over your previous loss in short order.

Kitty said...

Only the amazing grey cells of Stilton's imagination could come up with dung beetles to render the upcoming SOTU less awful. Stilton, thank you!

Sparky said...

My husband and I are ready to round up every mentally ill libtard, including Dung Beatle What Be In Charge, and set them adrift on the lost cruise ghost ship. Then torpedo it. Anybody wanna come with and help? So, NO, we're not listening to that lieing summbitch ever again until he uses that pen to write "I quit" then the party is at our place.

Your puppy is so adorable. Can't wait to hear which name is chosen. But, she didn't do a real sweep, you know, since she didn't pee on anything. *lol*

Colby said...

I'm with Sparky. Watching that socialist POS stand there on national TV and whack off to his own reflection in the teleprompter is extremely high on my list of things to never, ever do. It's right up there with skydiving without a parachute and seeing nekkid pictures of Billary.

I think you pretty much nailed it, but there will be a fairly large chuck of time towards the end of his continuous string of lies devoted to blaming Bush, Congress, racisits (us), sunspots, global warming and terrorists (Tea Party) for any problems that HRH obama has not been able to solve with his magic pen. Turdboy and Harry Greed have already started sabre rattling over the debt ceiling; they "will not allow this to be hijacked... just like last time" they say.

Oh, and remember when presidents used to brag about boosting the economy, defeating socialism, lowering taxes, ending wars and such? WTF is with HRH having Jason Collins sitting with Mooch? Is this somehow supposed to prove to us what a compassionate person Barry is? Am I supposed to watch this with my Grandkids? "Hey, Grampa... What did Jason Collins do to get to sit with the First Lady, Grampa? Did he fight in the war? Did he save somebody's life? Did he give a bunch of people jobs? What'd he do, Grampa?"

Another reason to watch Gumby re-runs....

Colby said...

Dang it! "...chunk of time," not "Chuck of time".... Stupid fat fingers.

The Big Guy said...

Dem ears!

Bruce Bleu said...

Because of lamont's meticulous attention to "truth" and "accuracy" in what he says, (koff, koff, gaaaaag, braaaaaachhh! sorry... I just choked on something I found hard to swallow), I find it MUCH easier to consider his "bull-dozing of bullshit" talk to be the "State-of-THE ONION" speech, since it adheres to the same level of integrity and trustworthiness as is found on that website.
Fred Ciampi;
Considering your unfortunate experience with that Scarabaeoidea, I wondered about the significance when I discovered lamont's favorite song is Scatmandu by Boob Seger.

WMD said...

"dollar store colostomy bag" Oh man that's the best.

Anonymous said...

I suggest the puppy be named Monica. As in Lewinski. She started out good, but became who she is because of some "fast-talking stranger" (Bill). Just a thought...

Seriously, though she is adorable, and I can't wait to see what she DOES get named!!!

American Cowboy said...

I said it last year, and I still believe it; every person in the senate chambers for the SOTU propaganda speech who does not agree with Ă˜bigears, who is still proud of the REAL America (not the unicorn, fairy dust utopia of the left), should get up en masse and at the very least turn and face the rear of the room while he flaps his gums. Better yet walk out.

Reiuxcat said...

Thanks for the pupdate!

Does she have beagle in her?

American Cowboy said...

Okay, after watching her investigate everything in the video clip, how about naming her Ensa? LOL

CenTexTim said...

I'm working on a drinking game for barry's 2014 SOTU speech. So far all I've got is:

1. Take a sip of fine cognac whenever he says "income inequality."

2. Slam down a tequila shot whenever he says "immigration reform."

3. Chug a beer whenever he says "middle class."

I figure I'll be drunk out of my mind and ready to vote democrat within five minutes...

John the Econ said...

Well, considering the memes that have been popping up in the lock-step media for the last week, I'm pretty sure the central theme of Tomorrow's speech is going to be "income inequality", and Obama's plan to remediate it.

Never mind that it's been during the Obama years that "income inequality" has increased as never before, compared to being relatively flat the Bush years. You can thank stimulus for crony capitalism and cheap money from the Fed for most of that. The cheap money created an asset bubble that mostly benefits Wall Street and the wealthy and funded government expansion to benefit the well connected at the expense of inflation and non-existent interest paid on savings which robs the poor and middle class.

The inconvenient truth is that today, the communities with the most millionaires per capita now surround Washington DC.

The expected push will be for a much higher minimum wage, more job training programs, and universal pre-K education. In other words, absolutely nothing new that the Democrats have not already been pushing for decades.

What you will not be seeing is anybody asking my question to the President: How do you rationalize your agenda for "income inequality" and America's "non affluent" with "immigration reform", which will effectively flood the labor marketplace with even more cheap labor? How will raising the minimum wage create more jobs with twice the people seeking them?

Don't expect either the question, or an honest answer. The meedia (misspelling not a typo) will spend more column inches on how Presidential he still sounds, and Michelle's shoes.

On the heels of Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif insisting that "we did not agree to dismantle anything", I don't expect Obama to say too much about his most recent signature foreign policy non-achievement where we basically got absolutely nothing. If he does say anything, I wonder how many Republicans in the audience will be able to withhold the urge to scream "You lie!" this time.

What you will not hear tomorrow night is what I predict will be Obama's real agenda for "income inequality", which is the "Value Added Tax" and "Imputed Income Taxes". These are taxes designed to punish the increasing number of citizens who have decided that actually earning income is no longer worth the trouble, and to punish the thrifty who've achieved what I consider "The American Dream" by wholly owning their own property. You won't be hearing open talk about this agenda until after the November elections, because they will be punishing everyone, especially those who still actually believe that Obama has their back.

Anonymous said...

watching the video brought back memories. Our shephard mix was named Curie S (Puppy), spelled like Madame's name of course.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bruce O'Hara- Spot is seeming like an appropriate name this morning, as are "Wizzer," "Piddler," "Puddles," and "Little Dripper." (tired grin)

@Fred Ciampi- As Dave Barry would say, "Radioactive Dung Beetle" would make a great name for a rock band.

@Grumpy Curmudgeon- We're already doing the crate-training thing, and this morning erected a wire fence to keep her in just one room when she's not in the crate. Which oddly makes us feel like WE'RE now living in a crate.

@Geoff King- Wonderful! I took the liberty of copying your comment on Facebook and attributing it to you.

@TrickyRicky- Because of Hope n' Change I used to feel it was my duty to watch the State of the Union Address, but I've decided that life is too short and hangovers are too painful. There is nothing that can come out of Obama's mouth that I want to hear.

@Kitty- Actually, no imagination was involved. I'm pretty sure that this is what dung beetles are actually saying today.

@Sparky- I like the idea with the ghost ship filled with cannibal rats; maybe if we called it "Sea Force One" Barry might be fooled into taking a cruise. Because I'm told that he loved cruising back in Chicago...

@Colby- I don't mind Jason Collins sitting with Michelle during the speech, but I'm a bit concerned that he'll be invited into the First Bedroom that night...

@The Big Guy- We chose her because of those ears; I'm going to teach her to listen for approaching drone attacks.

@Bruce Bleu- It should also be called the State of the Onion Address because it will make us all cry...

@WMD- I'll admit it; I tickled myself with that one!

@Anonymous- I just wish the real Monica had the biting instincts and needle-sharp puppy teeth that our girl is packing. Bill would still be wearing an ice pack.

@American Cowboy- When Barry accused the GOP of being unwilling to work with him, or says that they will "hold America hostage" over the budget, every damn Republican should walk out.

And if they did, can you imagine the flood of contributions the GOP would get? (Put me down for $1000)

@Reiuxcat- Her exact parentage is as unclear as Barry Soetoro's, but she definitely has a bit of Beagle look to her.

@CenTexTim- I hate to say it, but at the point you're drunk enough to vote Democrat, it's time for a glass of hemlock.

@John the Econ- Again, I believe you're correct on all counts. Flooding the job market with cheap labor is necessary to promote so-called income inequality to bolster the president's case for dramatic anti-capitalist action. And soon.

And you closed your comments referring to those people who still believe that "Obama has their back." On Saturday, the president basically declared war on sexual assault on college campuses, telling victims "I've got your back." Apparently he's more worried about coeds who can vote than our dead, sodomized ambassador in Benghazi.

John the Econ said...

Ah yes, the Obama administration's war on men.

"In an April 2011 directive, Russlynn Ali, then assistant education secretary for civil rights, threatened to withhold federal money from any educational institution that failed to take a hard enough line against sexual misconduct to ensure "that all students feel safe in their school." The result was to leave accused students more vulnerable to false charges and unfair procedures. The prospect of losing federal funds has left university administrators "crippled by panic," Robert Shibley of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education told me. "The incentives are pointing toward findings of guilt, not accurate findings."

It's a long read, but worthwhile if you are interested in how the left prefers to conduct "justice":

If I was a young man at a university today, I don't think I'd have anything to do with the opposite sex for fear of the legal ramifications.

Anonymous said...

Great drumming.

Duane Spellecacy said...

Hmmm... Forgot to post this last week...
This was suggested by a forum friend:
"As for a suggestion for name...the first thought that popped into my head was "Republic" (and call her Pubs for short) in the hope that we change back to a republic again, instead of what we have become."

Duane Spellecacy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WMD said...

This is off topic but I really want to know and I don't understand why I keep hearing this. And that is I just saw Cruz being interviewed on "Disgrace the Nation" and Bob, (whatever) said something to the effect that according to Boehner, the government shutdown was a disaster.
How so?
What was so disasterous, EXACTLY???
What I learned from it was that, apparently, we can do without about 70% of gov. employees.
With all due respect to any gov. employees out there reading this, I don't want to see anyone lose their job but WTF?
Or is this just the chicken littles of the left? Oh no we lose one federal worker and the world ends?
By the way, Stilt, If the new pup was a male I've always liked the name "Rowdy", but it isn't, how about "Mulligan"?

In Vermont said...

Please Mr. Stilton, she needs to be named Brie!

PRY said...

Best wishes with the pooch,'s best friend, and, buddy, in times like these we need all the loyal friends we can get!

I will most likely pass on the SOTU sham, but would love it if every Republican, at least once, would stand to their feet at some point and collectively pull a 'Joe Wilson', shouting "YOU LIE" at the top of their lungs! Crap, if he can keep on breaking the law, they could at least get away with a little disrespect! Obama would probably do a puppy in his pants!

Ian Restil said...

Boudicca (there are alternate spellings, but this seem most common).

I'd recommend Cesar Milan's puppy book. Am currently using it successfully.

What's the over/under in minutes for when SOTU becomes STFU?

bart simpsonson said...

"Which he can get away with, of course, because criticizing the president's dark side is racist".

Well then, OK, let's just criticize the president's white side. It's just as f%#ktup...........

John the Econ said...

@WMD, apparently, that wasn't even the worst of what happened (or didn't happen) on Deface the Nation. It seems that See-BS chose to cut Senator Cruz's comments about Obama's blatant abuses of power.

Bob Schieffer is just another Democrat hack shilling the party line and probably too senile to even feel any shame. I can take most liberal media, but I find his show intolerable.

And you are right. What we really learned with the sequester was how petty the Federal government can be when it doesn't get its way. Last year, it was punishing citizens by denying access to public parks, waterways and other otherwise open and free venues. Next year? It will be denying you health care when you need it.

Colby said...

You want the answer in units of a minute? My guess is .00736 minutes. That's why I'll be watching something more intellectually stimulating, like Dukes of Hazzard reruns. We all get our intellegence insulted on a daily basis by this arrogant buffoon and his pack of whiners, so I certainly shall not subject myself to his dog and pony show voluntarily.

And speaking of buffoonery, HRH Turdhead will be putting his magic pen into motion yet again today to require all gubmint contractors to pay their employees at least $10.10 per hour. Guess where THAT money's coming from, folks?! Yes, you are correct; it comes from the government, so don't worry your little heads. The World's Smartest President in the World would NEVER put more burden on taxpayers, and has thought this out very carefully. (sarc off)...

On second thought... I'm betting, that if gubmint contracters started paying their laborers $10.10 per hour, most of them would quit because of the huge pay cut. Barry's blowing smoke out his ass again.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@WMD: Boehner is a disaster. As is McConnell...

WMD said...

@John the Econ,
Thanks John, but I'm still wondering, what was the disaster? I mean, planes didn't fall out of the sky, the earth didn't open up and swallow whole cities. Or maybe I misinterpreted it and they mean a political disaster? I'm just sick of all the BS from the gubmint. I know I won't be watching king hussein tonight. Fortunately for me it's pint night at the local saloon.
Life's too short to drink shitty beer.

WMD said...

Exactly right my friend.

John the Econ said...

@WMD, the only "disaster" was more Americans waking up to the fact that the sun still rose, and people starting to realize that pretty much everything wrong in America today is a "man caused disaster" centered around Washington.

@Colby, I suspect that the taxpayers will not be paying for most of that raise, at least initially. My guess is that government contractors with fixed-price contracts with the Federal government will be stuck making up the difference. I'm sure there's plenty of grumbling going on about that, but it's the price you pay when you're dealing with vipers. But you are correct, that eventually the taxpayers will be eating that increase in its entirety. Just means that it will be nicer to work for the government, but less jobs for everyone else.

Did a little channel-surfing around the alphabets this AM, and even usual suspects can't pump up much enthusiasm for anything the President is likely to say. After 5 years of mediocre, it's tough to get excited over more of the same government gruel.

TheOldMan said...

@John the Econ 12:21 PM
I plan to tell my sons when the time comes to always have their phone on record whenever they are alone with a woman. Never go to her place alone. Never bring her to your place alone. Never bring a drunk woman anywhere private. I told my daughter similar things.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- The goal of the Obama administrations "war on men" seems to be creating an entire generation of "pajama boys" who sip hot cocoa and have no interest in the opposite sex.

@Anonymous- I've got rhythm. Who could ask for anything more?

@Duane Spellecacy- That would be a cute name, except I have to admit that when I hear "Pubs" I think of highly-personal curly hairs.

@WMD- Boehner seriously honked me off going on Jay Leno and calling the shutdown a "predictable disaster" which he blamed on the Tea Party. Apparently he defines "disaster" as bad press (which the GOP will get no matter what) as opposed to actual bad consequences for the American people.

This is precisely why I have no love for the Republican party.

@In Vermont- "Brie" was a serious contender for the pup's name, though we keep trying different monikers to see what fits her personality as we get to know her. We'd better settle on something soon, though, or she'll think her name is "Hey, You!"

@PRY- I desperately want some variation of "You Lie!" in tonight's speech. In fact, I'd like it every time the president lies, which is to say approximately the same number of times he breathes.

@Ian Restil- I've got two Cesar Milan books sitting here on my desk even now!

By the way, yesterday the pup decided that our kitchen tile was a great place to pee, so we've fenced it off. So far today, no accidents.

@bart simpsonson- Let the record show that I have always criticized only the president's white side. Because, frankly, I don't think he's got another side except when he deliberately "uses a negro dialect" (as Harry Reid says) for political gain.

@John the Econ- Right you are. Any government that says you can't see Old Faithful will be even quicker to say you can't see your doctor.

@Colby- I'm so sick of the arguments about minimum wage, and wish that the conversation could change to creating maximum opportunity. Hey, I can dream...

@Emmentaler- Absolutely agreed.

@WMD- Like I said, the "disaster" consisted only of the media's attacks on the GOP...and the GOP's refusal to rebut those attacks and stand up for their constituents.

@John the Econ- Peggy Noonan did a good piece in the WSJ saying that nobody would really be listening to Barry tonight because they know that he isn't really going to say anything.

@TheOldMan- Welcome to Surveillance Nation. And I think your advice, sadly, is darn good.

Queso Grande said...

At about 19 seconds in, as Dog checks out the couch? See that swivelly thing she did with her hips there?

Stilt, your dog's name is Elvis.