July 4th, 2014

Although we only want to express positive thoughts on the 4th of July, Hope n' Change can't resist taking a small dig at the man just voted "worst president since World War II" in a national poll...

Have a great 4th of July with your family and friends, and take time to reflect on the importance and meaning of this wonderful country!

Ruthless Decision

In a tight 5-4 decision which has set the Arts & Crafts world reeling, the Supreme Court has reaffirmed the 1st Amendment of the Constitution, which states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."  In this case, that translates to the fact that Obamacare can not force the owners of religion-centric family-owned businesses such as Hobby Lobby to pay for drugs intended to kill the unborn.

Noted sexual athlete Ruth Bader Ginsburg was on the losing side of the argument, and strongly voiced her opinion that corporations do not have religious rights or a collective "conscience" which requires adherence to a moral code. Rather, she believes, corporations are simply heartless, soulless, blood sucking collections of purely self-interested people, much like the Democratic party.

Obsessive high-office stalker Hillary Clinton also called the Court's ruling "deeply disturbing" and a "really bad slippery slope", perhaps not realizing the decision was based on a 1993 piece of law called the Religious Freedom Restoration Act which was put in place by her husband Bill Clinton. Who, ironically, is also deeply disturbed and familiar with slippery things.

While pretending to be outraged by the Supreme Court ruling, Barack Obama and other Leftists are secretly doing backflips (which was, coincidentally, the only method of post-coital birth control available to women until the 1960's) because it gives fresh life to their threadbare "War on Women" meme just in time for the midterms.

But in truth, rather than being a brutal act of war against womankind, the ruling is barely an inconvenience for anyone at all.  Over 99% of businesses will not be affected by the decision. And at Hobby Lobby, female employees will still have 16 contraceptives included (as always) in their health plans - with only pregnancy-ending abortifacients excluded.

Which is why Ruth Bader Ginburg is basically making up preposterous hypotheticals to attack the majority ruling. "It bears note," groused the disturbingly bird-like Justice while pecking at a pile of seed corn, "that the cost of an IUD is nearly equivalent to a month's full-time pay for workers earning the minimum wage." Which might be meaningful if Hobby Lobby had any employees working for minimum wage - but they don't.

And on a side note, how many women really want to use a form of birth control which is said to have been invented by Arab camel traders who jammed small rocks into the wahooties (also an Arab word) of female camels to keep them from getting pregnant? And wouldn't it have made more sense to teach camels to simply dry hump?

Just kidding - if Sandra Fluke couldn't learn to do it, then camels probably can't either.

In summary, the Supreme Court ruling does no damage to women whatsoever, reaffirms freedom of religious expression and, not incidentally, tells Barack Obama once again that his executive powers are actually even more limited than his understanding of the Constitution.

Sí Section

Over the weekend, Nancy Pelosi traveled to Texas to stare creepily at the crushing tide of young illegal aliens pouring into our country - her purpose being to encourage us all to "find the best solution to the problem, not the fastest."

Happily, Hope n' Change has found a way to do both by drinking tequila instead of whiskey whenever Pelosi speaks. And trust us, you'll be doing the same once you hear what San Fran Nan is saying.

For starters, she declared that whether or not one is born in this country, "We're all Americans in this hemisphere. North and South America." Semantically, she's right. Legally and Constitutionally, she's out of her botoxed noggin. By her bizarre hemispheric definition, Fidel Castro is an American - entitled to Obamacare, food stamps, and the right to vote for Democrats without showing an I.D.

Nancy then elaborated that "this is a community with a border running through it," essentially equating our nation's southern border with the cruel and artificial division of the Berlin Wall. Unfortunately, she couldn't demand that anyone "tear down this wall" because she and her colleagues have made sure that one was never built.

The abortion-loving Pelosi then rhapsodized that "every child has a spark of divinity in them and is therefore worthy of respect. What we saw in those [detention and holding] rooms was a dazzling, sparkling array of God's children." Although before you start imagining the Vienna Boys Choir based on Nancy's description, keep in mind the sparkling array of interesting diseases some are carrying, including HIV, TB, and scabies (which we think is Spanish for rabies). 

Moreover, Homeland Security is currently using our tax dollars to buy underwear for the new arrivals in sizes up to men's XXXXXXL.  Which, suspiciously, is also the roman numeral which identifies the date of the apocalypse. Coincidence? We think not.

Nancy also said of the young illegals that she'd like to "gather them up and take them all home with me." And we say - go right ahead! We'll help with the bus fare! Seriously, let's ship all of these kids to San Francisco where they can have fun riding the cable cars, eat Rice-a-Roni, and enrich the local culture with their sparkling divinity and (oh yeah) gang signs.

But that's not going to happen. Nor is Barack Obama going to get serious about either closing our borders or deporting this slow-moving army which he and his policies have actively encouraged to invade.

Because while Barry is happy to send active Taliban terrorists back where they came from, there's no way he's ever going to let go of tens of thousands of young, useful political pawns.

He dreams of finishing grade school
and wearing underpants with no skidmarks.