As Attorney General Eric Holder once famously observed, "America is a nation of cowards when it comes to talking about race while buying wildly overpriced hipster coffee."
To rectify this problem, Starbucks recently instituted a campaign called "Race Together," which encourages their employees to strike up meaningful conversations about race relations with poor bleary-eyed bastards who just came in for their morning caffeine fix.
And who better to give straight talk on one of the most sensitive issues in our country than a company which can't even use clear language like "small" "medium" and "large" when obfuscating the sizes of their own products?
Still, Hope n' Change is always in favor of open and honest dialogue, which is why we can imagine ourselves dropping in to a Starbucks to order a double-grande half-caff soy milk cocoa-dusted cinnamon-sprinkled whipped foam frappuccino and then asking our barista "what the hell happened with the OJ verdict, am I right?!"
Then again, the young servers at Starbucks may not be conversant on a subject so dated, and would perhaps rather discuss contemporaneous stories. "Do you believe that Kanye West accurately reflects the black man's perspective and societal aspirations," we might ask, "when he tweets pictures of Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass?"
Other topics abound: "Do you think the phrase 'baby daddy' fills a useful niche in the vernacular?" "How serious a faux pas was it for two policemen to be murdered in New York over the fictitious Michael Brown kerfuffle?"
And of course, "If Martin Luther King had been unable to sleep because he was jacked up on preposterously expensive caffeine-fortified coffee, could he even have had a dream?"
But in truth, we'll never have such a conversation because we're not planning on setting foot in a Starbucks until they rename themselves STFUbucks.
Better safe than sorry.