Monday, March 16, 2015

Sloppy Secondaries

As if Hillary Clinton's lifeless, laughable excuses for her email scandals weren't bad enough, there's increasing talk that presidential puppet-master Valerie Jarrett is actually orchestrating the attack on the former Secretary of State. It's like one of those nature documentaries in which a scorpion is squaring off with a rattlesnake; it's hypnotically fascinating to watch, and you hope they'll both lose.

But with Hillary looking (at least temporarily) wounded and woeful, who do Democrats have waiting in the wings to possibly take her place? Right now, the choices seem to boil down to a Native American and a Naive American...

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Senator Elizabeth "More Beads for Minimum Wage" Warren claims not to be running for president, and she's making that claim in front of every camera and potential voter she can find. If she is successfully drafted as a candidate, she is expected to run on a populist campaign of strengthening the middle class by making it legal for them to open casinos and sell tax-free cigarettes after they've had "cheekbone lifts" courtesy of Obamacare.

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Also in the running (and just as reality-impaired) is VP Joe Biden, who recently appeared on an HBO program called "Our Rising Oceans" and declared that disbelief in manmade global warming is akin to denying gravity

"Gimme a break, man," said Biden (according to an unofficial transcript) "Gravity is the real deal. You're gonna question something invented by Newton? God bless ya, this is the guy who figured out how to put figs in cookies!"

In summary, it's going to be a long, long campaign season.


Geoff King said...

The election next year is to far away to count Hitlery out of the picture. Since the average American has the attention span of a goldfish, there is sure to be some new Justin Bieber scandal between now and then which will divert all media focus off of the email scandal. Besides - she is a Democrat - so all criminal activity is automatically forgiven.

Japheaux said...

Stilton: somewhere in here there just has to be a connection between Hillary's Whitewater and Chief Lilylicker's firewater. It might actually be fun to sit back and watch a political catfight.

TrickyRicky said...

In a rational world, neither of these buffoons could be elected class president, much less president of our country. I can't even blame the socialist pajama-wearing basement dwellers anymore. With an unbiased and functional media this could not happen. Alas, after 2008 and 2012 no outcome is too outrageous or far-fetched to become reality. That's why we are now living in the Twilight Zone, and witnessing the twilight of our great republic. I shudder to imagine what follows.

Fred Ciampi said...

Jubilation T. Cornpone would be my choice if I had to chose between him and the current crap ... oops, I mean crop of candidates. Remember him? Of course you have to be older than dirt to do so. He never met a bribe he wouldn't take ... again, just like the current cluster.

Rod said...

It will indeed be a long road to next national election but it has to be traversed; and there's work to do. IMO Socialists, Influence buyers, & "Gimme-sumpin-free" voters have been more motivated to work the campaign and vote than have the PO'd core of this nation. And they cheat. That has to be overcome.

Just an example with VERY simple & rough math using possibly reasonable numbers:

Percent of those eligible who voted in 2012 was ~57%. And call it a 52:48 Liberal victory. But if 100% eligible voters actually voted and the split among that MISSING 43% was 30% Happy Leftie and 70% pissed off Conservative & Independent; the outcome would be about a 58:42 Conservative win.

Could the reason why traditional front-runners for the Democrats are not jumping in this time is they expect to get thrashed after Barry's two-term fiasco? Their candidates seem to need a race or gender issue to be a contender.

Rod said...

YES! I remember. Jubilation was local and hilarious; now he's real on a national level.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- I'm definitely not counting Hillary out. Despite the hubbub in the conservative world, Hillary's email scandal hasn't touched her numbers on the Left. The people who like her simply don't care if she's crooked. In fact, they find it endearing.

Even more depressing, I heard it reported that only 4% of millenials (the young voters the Left loves) are even aware of the story.

@Japheaux- I'd love to see the two of them go at it. Women fight dirty. It was Hillary's camp that originally floated all the material about Barry possibly being a Muslim and a non-citizen. Imagine what she'd do to Fauxcahontas?

Meanwhile, Warren could rip Hillary a new one for claiming to be for "income equality" while underpaying her female staffers.

@TrickyRicky- The problem isn't just that the media isn't functional anymore, I think a lot of brains aren't functional anymore. I truly believe that reliance on electronic devices has made people incapable of either sustained attention or analytical thought.

@Fred Ciampi- I remember when dirt was the "hot new thing," and I also remember Jubilation T. Cornpone ("unshaven and shorn-pone" per the musical version).

Boligat said...

Any proctologist knows where the smoke is stored.

Bruce Bleu said...

You've gotta back off Lie-a-watha... I happen to KNOW she's a REAL Indian, after all... she drives a Sioux-baru... as a girl, she would fix her bicycle tire with Apache, when she sang a duet with Queen Latifa she referred to herself as "Arapahoe", she eats Cocopah cereal for breakfast, she serves shish-Kaibab at BBQ's, she carries her I.D. in a Nez Perce, her fence sells stolen items at a Pawnee Shop, she camps in a Winnebago, she wears Winnemuccasins around the house, she's more Indian than magilla obama is female!

CenTexTim said...

No matter who the dems run he, she, or it is guaranteed 40+% of the vote just for being a dem.

It's interesting that at this point there doesn't seem to be an untarnished democrat candidate, while on the repub side there are several who look good.

Of course, it's early, and they all have baggage of some sort, but taken as a whole (and being as objective as possible) the republican contenders appear to be much more viable than the democrat Big Three.

Anonymous said...

Standing just behind the red curtain, stage left, former Maryland Governor, Martin O'Malley.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- I certainly hope the Left is in for a whupping. As you say, they have to run on race or gender (or more specifically, manufactured grievances and anger) because they've got nothing else to offer. Building the economy? National security? Foreign affairs? Yeah, good luck with that.

@Boligat- Wish I'd said that (grin).

@Bruce Bleu- Wow. You've done everything except tepee her front yard!

@CenTexTim- Of course, what we see as untarnished, the Left sees as unforgivable.

@Brad- I really should have included O'Malley in the mix, but frankly I just felt like going for the low-hanging fruit today. And Biden and Warren are always low-hanging fruit.

Shelly said...

The Republican nominee must hammer home how electing another Democrat will continue the last eight years of misery, only without the sublime coolness of the current occupant of the White House. Can't you just see her majesty yukking it up on Kimmel? Or should I say cackling it up?

Japheaux said...

@Bruce Bleu

If you don't be careful, she will sioux you. And couldn't you do anything with seminole? LOL.

Kinda wish Hillary would claim western native roots as well. Then we'd have the two Utes running against each other [groan].

JustaJeepGuy said...

Wasn't Jubilation T. Cornpone the guy who they hated so much in Dogpatch that they elected him to Congress to get him out of town?

John the Econ said...

On one hand, I am hoping that Hillary drops out and is replaced by Fauxcahontas, as her existence in the public spotlight singularly exposes practically everything wrong and hypocritical about the modern Progressive elite. The only downside is that like with Obama, the GOP will run another establishment squishy that would still lose against this obvious fraud.

First, she explodes the fraud that is "affirmative action". At least we knew that Obama was 1/2 not-white, which was more than enough to qualify him for the easy slide through Columbia, Harvard, the Illinois legislature, the US Senate, and finally the White House. Warren's non-documented claim (that she stopped promoting once it was no longer of any use) of being 1/32nd Cherokee laughably qualified her as Harvard's first tenured "Woman of Color". Under these absurdly lax standards, I doubt there's nobody in this room that shouldn't be able to qualify as a "person of color" and for "special" accommodation for something.

She positions herself as a "class warrior" for the underclass as she conspicuously lives the 1%-er rent-seeking lifestyle.

She rallied against the absurd cost of a college education while pulling down over $300,000 at Harvard for teaching 1 or 2 classes a semester.

Where Obama tried to mask his Marxist tendencies, she embraces them openly. She singularly embodies the arrogance and hypocrisy of the Progressive left. It would be nice to see someone like her lose in a landslide and the Progressive agenda shelved for another generation.

The only question about a Biden run would be: "Is the GOP so lame that they could even lose against him?" I wouldn't be surprised.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Shelly- Sadly, many (most?) on the Left still believe the misery of the past 6 years is left over from the Bush years (and/or the writing of the Constitution).

@Japheaux- I'm starting to have reservations about all these puns.

@JustaJeepGuy- Sounds right.

@John the Econ- I know liberals who think Warren hung the freaking moon, and couldn't care less about her "now you see it, now you don't" history of being a "person of color."

She is the epitome of hypocrisy, but sadly her brand of populist socialism is what a growing bloc of stupid voters actually want. Sigh...

As for Biden, I'd like to think he'd be laughably easy to beat - but then again, I haven't been laughing after a presidential election for a long time now...

John the Econ said...

"She is the epitome of hypocrisy, but sadly her brand of populist socialism is what a growing bloc of stupid voters actually want."

But @Stilton, here's what I just don't get: There is no shortage of of true populist Progressives out there who aren't guilty of the rank hypocrisy of Crockagewea. Why are they latching on to her? Have the media, party heads, or public gotten so lazy that we now only respond to name recognition?

The same applies to the right. The GOP is looking at nominating another Bush for the same reason they nominated GWB in 2000. In this age, it seems counter-intuitive that it should be so hard for new names and faces to emerge.

Bruce Bleu said...


Sorry to leave out an important allusion for you... so, right before she was conceived her dad kept the sperm in his seminole vesticle. That's the best I can come [no, I'm not going to touch that] up with for it.

REM1875 said...

Well there is old whatshisface, the governor,senator,congresscritter or something from I forget where. With no major scandal tied to him yet, I am really have nothing to remember him by but since he is a demonRat politician I am sure this would change if anyne bothered to actually vet him.