Monday, April 13, 2015

What The Hillary?!

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Hillary Clinton officially announced her obsessive, all-encompassing, Captain Ahab-like bid for the White House on Sunday, to the surprise and shock of absolutely no one. Well, almost no one...

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Hillary plans to base her campaign on fighting for rights that women have actually had for decades, but don't know it because they don't bother to watch the freaking news.

Mrs. Clinton also will work to strengthen the middle class economy which has taken such a beating under Barack Obama. Specifically, she wants to teach the middle class how to earn "big, big money" by publishing their autobiographies, making speeches at a quarter million bucks a pop, and granting special favors to dictatorial governments in return for generous donations.

According to an unofficial spokesperson, Clinton says: "I was dead broke, living under a bridge, eating out of dumpsters, and barely able to pay the mortgages on my multiple mansions. Now I'm living the dream!"

Wow! Talk about your feel good, "only in America," up-by-the-bootstraps inspirational stories for all of us who missed out on those shovel ready jobs!

Hillary hasn't announced her official campaign slogan yet, but Hope n' Change is able to give you this exclusive look behind the scenes at the creative process...

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We could say more, but it's a long way to election day 2016 and we don't want to use up all our jokes at once. Also, and we can't emphasize this enough, we need a drink.

But Wait - There's More!

This video was supposed to be finished in time for our post last Friday. Fortunately, the message hasn't aged a bit...



31 comments:

Sergio said...

You can take Clinton out of the country,but, you can't take the ??? out of Clinton (old Salem ciggy commercial)

REM1875 said...

Excellent Doc, Apples are off the menu for awhile (about 18 months) after seeing that and we'll just take your word about that little experiment rather than trying it.
I for one am not ready for all sHrillary, all the damn time news, 24/7.
The jokes on Mz clinton- so much ammo and only one keyboard.
Those who don't remember the co-president during the reign of slick willie the wurst, are about to find out where scandals are concerned, prezzy Ø is a rank amateur next to sHrillary.

Geoff King said...

Wouldn't a Crabapple be a better medium for wrinkly doll carving? According to Urban Dictionary, the definition of Crabapple is "a cranky, ugly bitch".
Since the George Soros and other globalist controlled MSM has already launched their smear campaigns against the only two candidates who could possibly help our country, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, it appears that it really will be Clinton vs. Bush in 2016. Can't wait until 2024 when it will be Chelsea Clinton vs. Jenna Bush.

TrickyRicky said...

Good on ya Stilton. I don't think you need to worry about using up all of your HRC material, there is a never-ending supply. However, I do prefer the Rosanne Cash version of the campaign slogan.

FlyBoy said...

Stilt.....

What can I say? Great strips, great comments, great video!

Now, after having seen the pic of the "unvarnished" Hill, I have to go wash my eyes out with bleach.

Japheaux said...

Remember that riddle from back in the day when Slick Willy was in charge, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?" Because her dad is Janet Reno. Remember that? I think it's safe to say that the ugly gene may be from her majesty, Capitol Hil, thereby saving Reno's place in history, not unlike Jimmy Carter being safe as the second-worst leader of the country formerly known as the free world. And also pay attention that 69 is her age, not dinner for her and Huma.

CenTexTim said...

Day One of her official campaign revealed two insights into hillary. (source)

1 - It's all about the benjamins.

HillaryPAC had its first solicitation email out 18 minutes before the campaign's own press release.

2 - She can't keep her message straight.


The campaign's official announcement to reporters, perhaps finished in haste, included an embarrassing mistake in the omission of a key word.

Hillary, it said, has 'fought children and families all her career.'


Pete (Detroit) said...

CenTexTim - In the case of the accused child rapist she successfully defended, in which she reduced the victim to tears more than once, she most definitely WAS fighting the child...

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/06/20/exclusive-hillary-clinton-took-me-through-hell-rape-victim-says.html

Rod said...

We wish we didn't see that coming either, but keep running Joe. Likeable clowns may still have a chance over the liars & corrupt.

For those who like to keep up with the news it's going to be a long 19 months. Hillarity is breaking out all over but I'd rather just not hear about her at all. That will impossible to avoid.

TheOldMan said...

Waste of a good apple.

John the Econ said...

Well, if there's an upside, it's that this isn't going to be the coronation process the Clinton's always assumed it would be. (Even SNL isn't going light like they did with Obama)

And quite frankly @Stilton, I seriously doubt that it's possible to use up all the material we've got on Hillary in the year-and-a-half we have before November 2016. Remember, there's a whole generation of people too young to remember the decade of shenanigans we had to live through back in the '90s with these two. They're going to need to be educated before making an "informed" choice; the "Cattle Futures trades", the "disappearing and re-appearing billing records", the "Vince Foster mysteries", "Whitewater", the "Madison Guaranty Saving and Loan" scandal, etc, etc.

Make no mistake; the Clinton machine is counting on ignorance, short-term memory, and mass amnesia to pull this off. They're working hard and will be spending billions to anchor their hilarious narrative:

Trigger Warning!

"Hillary Clinton has earned the trust and the respect of Americans because they have seen Hillary work her entire life to ensure, through improving education, health care, fair pay and fighting every day for working and middle class Americans, that all of us have the opportunity to succeed," said the group's spokeswoman, Adrienne Watson.

I personally don't know anyone who believes that, or can even read it with a straight face. But the Democrats believe that there are enough voters who will, and that is the big problem.

Cookie said...

What can I say more than "Well done today, sir!" And a strong amen to what has already been expressed. It's going to be a l-o-n-g campaign season. *sigh*

John the Econ said...

Let's parse the above:

"Hillary Clinton has earned the trust and the respect of Americans..."

No, she's insulted, and shown nothing but contempt for them.

"...improving education..."

This is a woman who demands over a quarter-million dollars to give a canned 60-minute lecture to public universities, and then bemoans how college has become too expensive to middle-class Americans.

"...health care..."

HillaryCare was far more fascist than ObamaCare, but had the basic same goals; to destroy private health care in America. HillaryCare was largely responsible for the Democrats losing control of Congress for the first time in 40 years.

"...fair pay..."

We already know that female staffers at Hillary senate office made 72-cents for ever dollar a man earned. She didn't seem so concerned about the issue when she was in charge last time, or when it was her own personal budget to manage. No doubt she'll feel more magnanimous when it's not her money.

"...fighting every day for working and middle class Americans..."

Just like her.

If there's one thing that has fascinated me about the Obama era, it's how the Democratic Party has been wholly converted into the "Let them eat cake" party of elite aristocrats.

But get ready for it folks, as it's already happened to me this morning. Any critical statement about Hillary will be met with accusations of misogyny. My favorite so far? One guy who actually said "There it is, that old familiar dismissive cocky crap that is so characteristic of the entitled right. The gasping sounds of a fraternity speedily becoming an anachronism." Expect that to bump its way up in the Google rankings by the end of the week.

Judi King said...

Yeah, Hillary. We've got about 18 months of the MSM trying to extol her nonexistent virtues. For those of us who know better, your great cartoons and laughter is all we have to get us through. Hopefully some of the blank slates who know no better will get a glimmer of a clue through the humor.

Shelly said...

I was sick of the Clintons before he left office. I can't imagine having to look at and listen to that miserable excuse for a woman for a year and a half! Please, Republicans, nominate someone who can take her ass down once and for all. I'm begging!!

Colby Muenster said...

Real knee slappers today, fine doctor!

Boy. I'm with SloJoe... didn't see THAT one coming! Total surprise. Wow, who-da thunk it!?

Yes, folks, it's going to be a long, lie laden year and a half. This person so many skeletons in her closet, its a wonder there's room left for the ugly pant suits.

@CenTexTim,
It's not so much a typo, as a Freudian slip.

PRY said...

Deep down I feel just as I did about Barry when he was running wayyyyy back when...but I was wrong then, and hope I am not wrong now. It's not up to Hillary or her money, campaign, or whatever...it's up to the LowFo idiots who will vote for her no matter what, just as they did for unowho! God help us.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sergio- Man, I haven't thought of that jingle in a long time...

@REM1875- Actually, the instructions for making an apple doll are accurate, and a body could do worse than to start cranking them out and attaching the heads to little pantsuits as Hillary dolls. Hello eBay riches!

I'm not sure that I'd agree about Obama being a rank amateur in the scandal department compared to the Clintons. They had a lot more of them, but they tended to be about sex, greed, and double-dealing (well, with an occasional murder thrown in) rather than the country-damaging scandals of Obama.

@Geoff King- Crabapples are too small for kids to carve safely, and if there's one thing Hope n' Change stresses, it's safe crafts for kids.

I think it's way too early to say who'll be the GOP candidate yet. I'm not even 100% sure that Hillary will be the Dem candidate; there's a lot of time for scandals to bite her in the ass between now and the primaries.

@TrickyRicky- It's true; I'd never really run out of material to mock Hillary. But I might run out of patience and booze.

@FlyBoy- Or you could use some of that salty lemon juice leftover from making your apple doll!

@Japheaux- I'm still not convinced that Chelsea isn't Webb Hubbell's daughter.

And sadly for your joke, Hillary claims to be only 67. Then again, I wouldn't believe her if she said water is wet.

Sergio said...

The apple sculpture does not ap-peel to me

Joseph ET said...

Here's some sexist news.

Time Mag: 'Postmenopausal' Hillary 'Perfect Age To Be President' - Breitbart http://bit.ly/1NyLACj via @BreitbartNews

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@CenTexTim- I've been hearing the figure $2.5 billion kicked around as what Hillary wants in her war chest. That's a lot of propaganda (and possibly broken kneecaps - or worse).

And the "fought children and families" line is great - and entirely accurate.

@Pete (Detroit)- ALL of this stuff needs to be unearthed again, including Hillary laughing about getting this rapist off.

And seriously - hasn't she spent her entire adult life enabling a sexual predator? "Champion of women" my rosy red ass...

@Rod- I hope Biden does declare, just so Hillary has to cope with a lunatic while debating. I'd probably send him a donation just for the entertainment value.

@TheOldMan- Depends on what you do with it afterwards. Voodoo, anyone?

@John the Econ- You're right, of course, that I'll never run out of material regarding the Clintons. And doubly right that very few people remember (or ever knew, or care) about all those scandals.

Hillary made some statement along the lines of "we can't look to the past if we're moving to the future." Because if people really look at her past, she's got no political future.

@Cookie- I'm exhausted already. Not in small part because the last presidential election about did me in. How could so many be so stupid twice?!

@John the Econ- I'm so tempted just to grab your comment, stick a cartoon on it, and use it for Wednesday's post. But there will probably be new emergencies to deal with by then.

And yes, there will be a lot of accusations of sexism tossed around. Although to the extent that Hillary makes her sex organs a campaign theme, I think it's fair game to fight back on that same level.

@Shelly- I can't imagine what the media will be able to say about this dreadful woman for all the long months. And I'm not looking forward to finding out.

@Colby Muenster- I think it was a Freudian slip. Which, come to think of it, is the only slip Hillary's worn in decades.

@PRY- Sadly, the election is largely going to be in the hands of the least informed, least intelligent, and least responsible. Which is exactly how the Left wants it.

REM1875 said...

O.k. I am through with hillary news, it was fun while it lasted but I have had enough. Ok just a few more moments.
The media can't find her scuby van, come on start checking hog haulers, mystery solved
Crab apples? While most wothless, thorny things flourish here can you believe crab apples aren't one?

REM1875 said...

I can not wait till the new generations are as sick of shrillary and her media water carriers as us old geezers are and I see some of that fatigue already setting in.
I only someone could do a daily news site where no shrillary news was posted they would make bill gates look like a pauper overnight.

Colby Muenster said...

To misquote Garth... "If she was president, she WOULDN'T be Babe-raham Lincoln."

Bruce Bleu said...

Japheaux,
There's another explanation of why Chelsea looks the way she does... Shrillary's "marital aid" was made from a section of Howdy Doody.
Stilton,
"mock Hillary"... is that a cantankerous bitch made with Ritz crackers? (I think magilla refers to her as one of those.)
"bite her in the ass"... sounds like Nirvana for a cannibal "all-you-can-eat" buffet, or reminds me of ANOTHER jingle you haven't heard in a long time... "open wide for Chunky!" OMG, I just barfed all over my desk!
As far as Shrillary's sex organs, I've heard that company's who manufacture desiccants are looking forward to her signing her "organ donor card".
CenTexTim,
Your reference to, 'fought children and families all her career.' wasn't missing only one word, it's like that photo that circulated years ago where a whole classroom of children in an Arkansas school ALL had Slick Willie's face. the quote SHOULD read, "fought illegitimate children of whores who couldn't keep their legs together because my husband followed his 'stiffy' as if it were a pointer on a compass". The editor had to make a decision because the column space just wasn't there.

John the Econ said...

As the Hillary coronation process has officially begun, I think it's important to cut through the crap and look what has happened to the Democratic Party over the last decade.

In little more than a generation, the Democrats have gone from "the party of the people" to the Marie Antoinette party, funded by and run for the leftist aristocracy that is wealthy enough to insulate themselves from the implications of Progressive policy, but still want to "feel good" about being rich and doing nothing of substance for "the little people". The Clintons have worked diligently for their entire lives to be at the top of this hypocritical pyramid. Frankly, the morality of it all aside, they deserve it.

Have the Democrats sold their souls for this? No question about it. They all knew Obama was an empty suit, but they supported him because they knew they could sell his hopey-changey bs to the rubes, and it worked. So 8 years later, there is no substance left. Who is there with any more credibility than Hillary? Harry Reid? Nancy Pelosi? Al Gore? John Kerry? Feinstein or Boxer? They're all unelectable because the policies and agendas they've supported for their entire careers are toxic.

So are Hillary's. But she's got something the rest don't; the "victim" card. Just like Obama placed the race card to the White House, Hillary is going to play the feminist card. The only question is how many American women are going to be brain-dead and buy this?

I could go on, but Victor Davis Hansen nailed this so better than I ever could:

"The Clintons rightly sense that the one-percenters in certain fleeting moments feel awfully bad about their privilege. Thus they will feel much better about indulging their endless material appetites, if they give large tax-deductible contributions to the spread-the-wealth, help-the-helpless shtick of elite Democrats. The lifestyles of Hill and Bill over the last two decades reassure wealthy liberals that it is OK to wallow in the material good life as long as you pay occasional penance for such indulgence — and there is no better atonement than helping Hillary Clinton out in 2016 to speak truth to power. After all, with students facing $1 trillion in aggregate debt, Clinton marched into UCLA, check-listed some liberal nostrums for 30 minutes and walked away with $300,000 without a complaint — or about $165 in scarce university dollars for each second of her pieties. In other words, Hillary is running because she has invested enough in the past that the money will be harvested as never before in a presidential race."

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@REM1875- I'm already sick of Hillary too, but we're stuck with her. Conceivably for a long time.

@Colby Muenster- More like President BARF-field.

@Bruce Bleu- Is there anyone under 50 or so who would even understand your "mock Hillary/Ritz crackers" reference? But I get it, and it's funny.

@John the Econ- The hypocrisy of Hillary declaring herself a "champion" of the working classes has a strong emetic effect on me.

And yes, I think Hillary's "victim" card (for being female before her hormones ran dry) will probably play just fine. Look at the mileage the fictitious "war on women" has gotten.

Geoff King said...

Although there are many reasons that I would never consider voting for Monica Lewenski's ex-boyfriend's wife, the fact that Chuck Norris is already condemning her is good enough for me:
http://mobile.wnd.com/2015/04/is-america-ready-for-the-real-hillary/

Colby Muenster said...

Seems like I saw a bumper sticker somewhere that said something like, "2016... the year 100 million Republicans miraculously change from racists into sexists." You can bet your sweet bippy (yep... just dated myself there) Billary is going to milk that cow to death because what else does she really have to offer? Sure as hell can't run on her sterling record of accomplishments.

John the Econ said...

So now I see that Chris Christie is suggesting that those who make over $80,000 should have their Social Security payments diminished, and those over $200,000 get nothing.

Hillary is probably going "Damn, I was going to suggest something like that. Hillary wanted to stake out the middle ground between the GOP and Liz Warren, who'd just assume seize everybody's entire paycheck and dole out government services "according to their needs".

Good work Christie, for moving the GOP to the left of Hillary. That will help come next year.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- Chuck is right on target. I wonder how many Hollywood lefties are capable of expressing themselves so well?

@Colby Muenster- Yeah, we're all about to be called sexists. As if Hillary has ever been a "champion" for women.

But maybe we can have moral parity with her if we simply refer to her presidential run as a "bimbo eruption."

@John the Econ- It scares me when I hear someone like Christie float this idea. In the name of "fairness," the people who paid into Social Security won't get anything back, so that their money can be given to an illegal immigrant who has never contributed a dime.

And as you point out, that would only be the thin edge of the liberal wedge. I can too clearly envision a day when all bank accounts are seized, and the former asset holders will be given a "fair" allowance until the money is gone or the owner dies. After which the only "heirs" will be selected by the government.

Christie is politically dead to me at this point.