Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Lefty Meets Lucy

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, obama, ethiopia, lucy, fossils, africa

History was made this week (accompanied, at least in our imagination, by the kettle drum pounding theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey") when mankind's oldest ancestor met the most evolved human being on the planet.

Specifically, officials in Ethiopia brought the fossilized bones of Lucy (Australopithecus afarensis) to their national palace for Barack Obama (Halfricanus offensivus) to poke and prod with his booger-hunting finger, which should lead to some pretty confusing DNA analysis in the future.

According to scientists, Lucy, who is 3.2 million years old (but doesn't look a day over 3.1 million), stood only about 3 feet tall, was covered with hair, had a very small brain, and could stand erect to spot predators - making it very likely that she could have negotiated a better deal with Iran.

The president asked "how many jumps" it took to go from Lucy to modern man, perhaps believing that kangaroos figured into the mix somewhere. A scientist confirmed there were "multiple generations" leading to Homo Sapiens. "And just think," the president no doubt thought sadly, "they couldn't even order wedding cakes until I got here."

Obama later said of his meeting with Lucy that "we are reminded that all the people of the world are all part of the same human family." Which should come as good news to both Planned Parenthood and democrats, since that pretty much makes every pregnancy the result of incest.

Clearly moved by meeting his oldest ancestor and feeling inspired by the likelihood that she cared deeply about climate change, income inequality, and American imperialism, Obama announced his plans to write a new book in her honor.

It will be called "Dreams From My Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother."

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31 comments:

Mike aka Proof said...

"covered with hair, had a very small brain"
Soooo, the first known Democrat??

Wahoo said...

Given Barry's known bone-smuggling propensities, I hope somebody thought to recount the bones after his visit.

Fred Ciampi said...

Stilt, Halfricanus offensivus, I love it. Can I use it? And another thing; just where does o'ignoramus get off telling the president of another country that he change his country's way of thinking? I was hoping that Kenya would keep him there for some made up reason but now they probably can't wait to get rid of him. Oh, where's my coffee? Oh, where's my shine? It's going to be one of those days. Keep up the good work.

Judi King said...

Ditto on the "halfricanus offensivus". That's great. If our beloved "dic" is descended from that......then there hasn't been much evolution.

Wahoo said...

Barry might not have many friends, but he's got ancestors up the ass.

Cat Whisperer said...

DR. ZERESENAY ALEMSEGED: “I had the National Museum bring over the bones of Lucy to show you ...”

OBAMA: “Great! Wrap them up for Bo and Sunny.”

Geoff King said...

Perhaps Øbozo will be able to persuade those Ethiopian officials to bring Lucy on tour in the US in plenty of time to be given citizenship and vote democratic in next year's election along with all the other dead people who are sure to turn out.

Rod said...

Stilt, you are highly favored moderator of the news; your insight is unique. I won't be able get the kettle drums out of my mind for a while.

Bruce Bleu said...

lamont... the famed scientist... who, while wearing a white lab-coat and staring into a pile of bones behind a Ethiopian rib joint, tells his fellow geniuii, "a little bit of THIS and a little bit of THAT" (AKA Inspector Clouseau) as they assemble the summum bonum of impale-entology, "Loosey".

John the Econ said...

"...Lucy...had a very small brain, and could stand erect to spot predators - making it very likely that she could have negotiated a better deal with Iran.

ROFL at that one. And I suspect that she understood more about economics than our President does too.

And it was a good thing that there was no such thing as "Planned Parenthood" in Lucy's time. Otherwise, this would indeed be the "Planet of the Apes".

Chish McFicken said...

There's talk that Barry was quite the bone inspector back in the good old
days in Chicago.

Doug said...

Now, that there's risible. I don't care who y'are.
However, I think you should've included a head-nod to Bill Clinton's old joke:
http://www.thefreelibrary.com/CLINTON+MUMMY+JOKE+IRKS+ANTHROPOLOGIST.-a083934406

DougM said...

Also,
I think Lefty Lucy should check the top of 'er own head.
(What? Yeah, there's also a "Bush" joke in there somewhere, but let's not go there.)

Colby Muenster said...

I couldn't help noticing some details in the artist's rendition (or "photograph" if you have the typical progressive's scientific knowledge) of Lucy. In addition to a small brain, she was short, stocky and flat chested. That isn't O'Liars ancestor; that's Hillary's ancestor.

Seriously, I find it pretty damn amusing that O'Liar allowed himself to be photographed with this "ape like" descendent. Too bad his butt-buddy, Sharpton wasn't there to complete the family portrait.

@Geoff King,
Don't go giving O'Liar ideas, now. His nasty little socialist club could probably find a way to get each bone fragment to vote.

@All,
Did anyone else find it a bit un-nerving when BO told the Ethiopians he could (paraphrasing here) "...get elected again if he ran, but, oh darn, the law's the law." The mere thought gave me the willies! Congress refuses to do one damn thing about O'Liar's chronic and frequent law breaking, so why should the term limit law be any different?

Manfred said...

Lucy is well known to be a contrivance created by evolutionists; much in the same way Barry was by his creators.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- That's pretty much what I'm thinking.

@Wahoo- And considering where he likes to put them, I'm hoping the curators brought latex gloves.

@Fred Ciampi- Someone else came up with the idea of describing Barry as "Halfrican," so I just expanded it a little. Regarding lecturing the Kenyan president on making changes, I think they're willing to let Barry babble in return for the one billion dollars we're giving them.

@Judi King- As far as evolution goes, we're definitely taller and more capable of doing damage than we used to be.

@Wahoo- That phrase can be taken in more than one way, and I enjoy all of them.

@Cat Whisperer- I'll bet if Barry DID bring the bones back, Bo and Sunny would be afraid to take them from a stranger.

By the way, the article notes that when Lucy's bones were transported, there were multiple "decoy cars" used for security purposes. My questions are A) isn't this sort of gas-wasting foolishness bad for our precious environment and B) Security?! She's been dead for over 3 million years!

@Geoff King- Federal voter registration forms no longer ask if you're an actual citizen. I assume they don't ask if you've actually got a pulse, either.

@Rod- I'd actually love to have a slo-mo clip of Barry approaching the bones that I could add the "2001" theme to. I need to get a raise from the Koch Brothers so I can add a video department...

@Bruce Bleu- I'm also told that when Barry saw the tiny skull fragments, he asked: "Planned Parenthood...?"

@John the Econ- I actually considered pointing out that if Lucy was gay or had access to easy abortion then none of us, including Barry, would be here. But sometimes it's good to take the "less is more" approach and just tell a few quick jokes and get the hell off the stage. This seemed like one of those times.

@Chish McFicken- Maybe that's how he got the nickname "Leaky." (Warning: obscure anthropological joke)

@DougM- Although Clinton was probably joking, I don't think he should be in the same room as a female mummy without a chaperone. Or a humidor, for that matter.

Regarding Lefty Lucy, good call on not going for the Bush joke.

@Colby Muenster- The photo that Lefty Lucy was showing is actually the most recent reconstruction of the original Lucy. Although I can't remember now if it's in the Smithsonian or not.

Regarding Barry saying that he could win a 3rd term if allowed to run, it's one of the few things he's ever said that I actually believe. Heaven help us...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Manfred- I've established previously that I don't have any religious beliefs (though have respect for those of others). That being said, I kind of like the folks who believe that creationism and evolution are not necessarily incompatible (assuming you give a little wiggle room to the Biblical language).

For what it's worth, I do believe that the fossil record shows a long, long range of time on Earth, and creatures which predated Man by a good bit. That being said, the diversity and intricacy of life on Earth is such that I'm not entirely convinced that evolution can account for everything. When I consider things like jellyfish, or the tiny bones in the inner ear, I'm not closed to the idea of intelligent design.

Manfred said...

Regarding Lucy, it's been admitted by many scientists to be a hoax since the late '90s:

"Scientific findings have proven the evolutionist assumptions regarding Lucy, the best-known example of the genus Australopithecus, to be unfounded. In its February 1999 issue, the well-known French scientific magazine Science et Vie accepted this in an article entitled "Adieu Lucy," and confirmed that Australopithecus cannot be considered an ancestor of man."

Darwinist cannot dance like it was 1999, because one of their most important "proofs" was blown up that year.

JustaJeepGuy said...

@Manfred,

Just because Lucy and the rest of the Australopithecines are probably not in humanity's direct ancestry does not make her a "hoax". Don't fall for the false "evolution/creationism" dichotomy.

Judi King said...

The "THEORY" of evolution takes more faith to believe in than Creationism does. It needed billions of years to work (BTW, that figure keeps changing) hence the hoax of carbon dating. Carbon dating was invented based on faulty premises to make evolution work. The chance of a human evolving from a lower form is so astronomical that it's beyond belief. And we are to believe that it happened at least twice.....a man AND a woman! No way! As for man being taller, that is called line evolution that happens within a species. There is no successful cross species breeding. Mutations are usually killed in the natural world, so how would cross breeding between species even have endured? Total nonsense.

Manfred said...

@JustaJeepGuy - As one who has been raised from spiritual death by the resurrected Lord Jesus, I have the gift of faith to trust Him and His Word. Evolution cannot explain life; God' Word does.

Linda Fox said...

I was privileged to inspect fossil remains through the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. I was very sternly warned NOT to directly touch them - that they were NOT to be handled in any way.

It does not surprise me that the President doesn't follow that rule - he doesn't follow ANY rules - those are for MORTALS.

Maoz said...

Stilton, re age of the universe/creation and such: have you read Gerald Schroeder's books? "Genesis and the Big Bang" and "The Science of God". I recommend them very warmly. If you only have time to read one, I would suggest "The Science of God".

I consider myself fortunate to have stumbled across your blog recently. I have to admit I enjoy your sense of humor, and your way with words.

Chish McFicken said...

@ Stilton: "(Warning: obscure anthropological joke)" I got it immediately.
They taught that stuff back in the old days instead of LGBTQRSTUVW...

JustaJeepGuy said...

@Manfred and @Judi King,

Wanna see evolution by means of natural selection in action? Check out penicillin-resistant bacteria. That only took a couple decades.

From what I've seen of people who think Darwin was practically the anti-Christ, their real gripe is that it means God doesn't care as much for them as they have been led to believe. "Made in God's image" and all that.

The reason dinosaurs were thought to be dumb, sluggish lizards for a century and a half was solely religious-based. Any animals that large couldn't have been intelligent, warm-blooded, fast-moving creatures. That wouldn't have fit into the idea of Man being the "crown of creation". Or so the reasoning went.

As far as carbon dating goes, one does have to have a certain amount of faith in the constancy of the decay of radioactive isotopes. Over the last 70 years or so, that's been checked time and again, so it's pretty solid.

My point here is that it's not a case of "God or nothing". I guess the biggest gripe that the creationists have is the question of the scale of time. I don't know why that is. A Supreme Being could do anything, right?

JustaJeepGuy said...

@Manfred and @Judi King,

Wanna see evolution by means of natural selection in action? Check out penicillin-resistant bacteria. That only took a couple decades.

From what I've seen of people who think Darwin was practically the anti-Christ, their real gripe is that it means God doesn't care as much for them as they have been led to believe. "Made in God's image" and all that.

The reason dinosaurs were thought to be dumb, sluggish lizards for a century and a half was solely religious-based. Any animals that large couldn't have been intelligent, warm-blooded, fast-moving creatures. That wouldn't have fit into the idea of Man being the "crown of creation". Or so the reasoning went.

As far as carbon dating goes, one does have to have a certain amount of faith in the constancy of the decay of radioactive isotopes. Over the last 70 years or so, that's been checked time and again, so it's pretty solid.

My point here is that it's not a case of "God or nothing". I guess the biggest gripe that the creationists have is the question of the scale of time. I don't know why that is. A Supreme Being could do anything, right?

Judi King said...

@ Jeep: Bacteria? An example of line evolution. As for Dinosaurs, no one even mentioned them. They are just animals after all and I don't believe they created any kind of civilization. "Evolution of man? You people assume early MAN was "dumb and sluggish". That is just arrogant. Have you never heard of Stonehenge or the pyramids? Built by prehistory early man and without the wheel. Modern man couldn't even do that. The carbon dating "checking" has been done by people with a preconceived THEORY that they have been brain washed with by their teachers, biased media and academia. Darwin? no one mentioned him either. He was, after all, just a misguided, atheist, racist with an unprovable theory that a lot of morons bought, certainly not the anti-Christ. Nothing at all is possible without a Creator.!!!! The beginning of the universe had to start with something even in your evolved theory.

Manfred said...

JustAJeepGuy - is the resistant bacteria still a bacteria? Adapting to environment while staying the same creature is not the stuff the "origin of the species" is made of. When you find a creature that is changing/has changed into a different, better creature let me know.

Manfred said...

JustAJeepGuy - is the resistant bacteria still a bacteria? Adapting to environment while staying the same creature is not the stuff the "origin of the species" is made of. When you find a creature that is changing/has changed into a different, better creature let me know.

Bruce Bleu said...

JAJG,
Just from a scientific frame of reference, a sterile environment is anything over 212° at sea level. The Earth is said to have been over 7000°F before it cooled, lightning is estimated to be between 17,000°F & 55,000°F, depending on who you ask. Using science, a reasonable hypothesis could never reach the point of fact.
Carbon dating has such inherent conflict that various methods must be used until an expected age is arrived at, (much like writing computer models for "global warming" until your data matches your desired result).
i.e.,
Carbon 14
The Potassium-Argon
Fission Track
Obsidian Hydration
Thermoluminescence
Archaeo- and Paleo-magnetism
Oxidized Carbon Ratios
Racemization

Considering all the statistic improbability, I just don't have the level of faith necessary to accept the evolutionary model. You've always seemed like a bright guy... have you REALLY looked into this discipline to its logical conclusion?

Judi King said...

Thank you Bruce Bleu