Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Laugh in the Fast Lane

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, hillary, spontaneous, campaign, email, benghazi
Apparently "spontaneous" is better in a candidate than in an alleged demonstration.
 There's finally good news for the many liberals who've been curled up in the fetal position quivering and weeping since comedian Jon Stewart quit The Daily Show in order to pursue his passion for clubbing baby seals.

And the good news for the comedy-starved is that Hillary Clinton's handlers (not a job you want to do without thick gloves and a stiff drink, by the way) have announced that she's now going to be funnier and more spontaneous on the campaign trail!

As an example of the kind of wild, rib-tickling, side-splitting laugh lines soon to be unleashed from Mrs Clinton's arsenal, her staffers cited a recent riposte about her hairdo: "The hair is real. The color isn't." Bwah-ha-ha! As her dear friend Ambassador Chris Stevens would say, "Stop! You're killing me!"

As far as spontaneity goes, we assume this means that the former Secretary of State will try to be slightly less obvious about robotically repeating the exactly memorized lines scripted to keep her out of the hoosegow. Where she once stammered, "I never sent...or email... which was...marked...classified... at the time," she'll now spontaneously declare, "I'm pleading the 5th Amendment" and cue her traveling drummer to play a rimshot as she wiggles a straw hat in the air and tapdances out of view.

Frankly, Hope n' Change welcomes Mrs. Clinton's transformation from old villain to vaudevillian and we suggest that she make a recording of her new stand-up act to put online for her avid followers.

After all, who knows better than she does how inspiring a Youtube video can be.

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, hillary, spontaneous, campaign, email, benghazi
Try the veal and don't forget to tip your servers. Or at least wipe them.


Joseph ET said...

I’m looking forward to hearing the song and seeing the dance when the FBI and the DOJ start explaining why they aren’t indicting the Hillibeast.

I would enjoy it even more to see her in handcuffs and a great booking photo. We can only dream that she finally pays her dues for something for a change.

WalrusMN said...

That's Hillary-ous, Dr. J!

drjim said...

Fabulous, Stilt!

pdwalker said...

Clearly they need to hire you to write her material.

On the other hand, if you do, what are the chances of you spontaneously suciciding with 37 bullet wounds to the back of the head?

TrickyRicky said...

Comedy gold! Be sure to tip your servers. Or at least wipe them. What, with a cloth? OMG, she just might bring back Vaudeville this election season. On a more serious note, I would think her flunkies would be a little bit edgy seeing how things turn out for her good friends, like Chris Stevens and her dire enemies, like Vince Foster. Not a lot of wiggle room between those outcomes.

Chish McFicken said...

My head hurts from her do-overs, mulligans and relaunches. Just surrender to
federal marshals already.

Geoff King said...

Ah, but now that Her Royal Lieness has come out nd said that she is sorry for using her private server for State Department business, all will likely be forgiven and swept under the rug. Too bad. I was looking forward to seeing what fake accent she would adopt while addressing the rest of the cons in Leavenworth.

Bobo the Hobo said...

“Everything I did was permitted. There was no law. There was no regulation. There was nothing that did not give me the full authority to decide how I was going to communicate. Previous secretaries of state have said they did the same thing…. Everything I did was permitted by law and regulation. I had one device. When I mailed anybody in the government, it would go into the government system.”

— Former secretary of state Hillary Rodham Clinton, interview with CNN, July 7, 2015

Here's the thing, Hil: you were Secretary of State, ergo, you were considered "State"; therefore, you authorized the accounts to which you now claim you had no knowledge of any wrongdoing. That's a Bart Simpson defense (I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything.)

There is nothing I would love seeing more than to see this liar doing the perp walk - I know it will never happen, but a girl can dream.

John the Econ said...

What surreal times we live in.

First off, just what are the millions who solely relied upon Jon Stewart as their news source doing now to remain informed?

Second, just who is this retooling for "Hillary 3.0" supposed to be for? It's deployed like the iteration of the iPhone; We're all supposed to be fully aware that the previous version was a dud, and hope that this upgrade will be an improvement?

Except Hillary isn't an iPhone. She's not really upgradable. She's still the same irredeemably mediocre and hopelessly corrupt operating system. Declaring that she's now "funnier and more spontaneous" doesn't make her so, and watching her desperately try is simply going to make people realize what a dud she really is. Bill's #1 talent was being able to fake sincerity. Hillary doesn't have that, so the rest of the previously successful Clinton formula won't work.

And if you have to actually announce that you're now "funnier and more spontaneous" in order for people to notice, then you are not.

Hey, we finally got an apology for the e-mail fiasco. Like that makes a difference. Again, if you have to be prodded by the media to apologize for 6 months, then it's not much of an apology.

I'm not much for conspiracy theories, but I am seriously starting to wonder if after this pathetic should-have-been-cancelled-months-ago show goes on another month or two, if Obama isn't going to intercede, push Biden into the race and quietly promise Hillary a pardon on his last day if she just goes away.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Oh Puhleeze, Hillary. I can't imagine that you will try to compete will try to compete with the Henny Youngmans, Milton Berles or Rodney Dangerfields with your lame one-liners. Just go someplace Afghanistan....and stay there.

Juanita the Icon said...

How does she stay out of Jail? Does she have compromising pics on Moochelle?

Throw that puta in jail for pete's sake!

CenTexTim said...

Stilon, you should be writing for Jon Stewart.

Oh, wait...

Cookie said...

Well done today, sir, well done indeed!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Joseph ET- It does seem that the slow-walking investigative agencies looking into Hillary's shenanigans are doing a soft shoe instead of a more appropriate boot in the ass.

@WalrusMN- I believe "Hillary-ous!" is the name of her upcoming HBO comedy special.

@drjim- Thanks. I get the wind in my sails when Hillary starts talking about being funny. That's my business!

@pdwalker- I'd actually love to be a gag writer in the political fray, but if going undercover in Hillary's operation I probably would end up dead in a park clutching a suicide note in Vince Foster's handwriting.

@TrickyRicky- It's dangerous to be a friend or enemy of the Clintons.

@Chish McFicken- Frankly, who wants a president who can "re-invent" themselves every 3 weeks? Doesn't that rather suggest that there's nothing at her core other than naked ambition?

@Geoff King- Hillary didn't say she was "sorry" for putting classified intelligence at risk, or quite likely empowering Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran to run wild knowing (from her highly-hackable server) that the U.S. wouldn't challenge the aggressions we've seen in the past few years. Hillary didn't say she was "sorry" that she couldn't keep up with all the emails sent to her server - which was previously her excuse for not being aware of Ambassador Chris Stevens' requests for upgraded security in Benghazi.

I'm no more impressed or satisfied with her saying she's "sorry" than if the same word was uttered (just as insincerely) by Nidal Hassan. To hell with "sorry" - let's get down to prosecuting the actual crimes.

@Bobo the Hobo- According to her agreement with Barack Obama, what she did was not permitted. Then again, Mrs. Jarlsberg makes the good point that a lot of Hillary's secrecy related to the server may have been to protect her from Obama and give her leverage if the Clinton/Obama war ever turned hot.

@John the Econ- I saw a very funny piece at today which said "Cyberdyne upgrades Hillary with spontaneity chip." (Cyberdyne is the company responsible for building the Terminator, for any who don't know.)

I agree with your theory on Biden. I think the man is old, tired, and emotionally drained from the loss of his son - but is being forced in by Obama as an insurance policy for his "legacy" in the likelihood that Hillary's campaign continues to crash and burn.

@Alfonzo Bedoya- Actually, the comedienne who came to mind when I thought of Hillary doing stand up was Phyllis Diller. Except Phyllis, rest her soul, was actually funny.

@Juanita the Icon- Don't forget that the first thing Hillary did as First Lady was to get a toady from Arkansas (Craig Livingstone)to grab all the super-secret FBI background files on every politician in Washington (containing every accusation of scandal, proved or not) and illegally copy them. Yeah, yeah - she denied being involved. But I've got a hunch that the Clintons have used the copies of those files for a long time to stay out of jail, improve their political fortunes, and keep the Clinton Foundation funded.

@CenTexTim- I actually sold one (and only one) joke to Jay Leno which he used on the Tonight Show. I still have the uncashed $50 check with Jay's signature somewhere here in my office.

@Cookie- Thanks!

Colby Muenster said...

She's about as funny as liver cancer, but her lo-fo supporters would howl and slap their knees at every humor attempt.

My theory is, BO is going to get Crazy Uncle Joe all prepped (I heard he is now seeing a psychoanalyst to "get him over his grief"), then he gives the nod to the FBI to drop the hammer on her skanky ass.

Yes, she has now "apologized" for having a private server. "Gosh, she didn't know that was a no no!" So.... in the liberal world, that means we all move on. Total forgiveness and any potential legal action a distant faint memory. Hell, the libtards probably will use her apology as more incentive to vote for her, not against. Now, if it was a Conservative trying to apologize over using a personal server for classified emails.... they'd better start preparing to tote that heavy cross up Golgotha hill!

Jan Blickenstaff said...

Headline: Hillary plans to be more spontaneous. ----- Stop the Irony, it hurts, it hurts my Precious.

John the Econ said...

Speaking of the New & Improved Hillary:

Clinton: If Trump gets the GOP nomination, ‘I would love to debate him’

Of course, this is a bluff. Even Hillary is smart enough to know that she'd be roadkill against Trump, who would mercilessly hit on every Clinton hypocrisy. Campaign finance reform? What about the Clinton Foundation? College tuitions too high? What about the $300,000 she demands for a 30-minute canned speech? Income inequality? Just how rich have the Clintons become for exactly what? I could go on.

I have absolutely no interest in a Trump presidency, but it would almost be worth it just to see such a debate.

drjim said...

Agree 100% with John.

Trump would tear The Hildebeast to shreds.....

Rod said...

WE notice it didn't take long for the low level County Clerk in Kentucky to be tossed into jail for supposedly "breaking the law" about gay marriage licenses, although that decision process does in a way seem to be part of her elected job... and they could have gone elsewhere.. but these other HIGH lawbreakers just keep getting passes. I'm sooooooooooooooo tired of it.

VonZorch said...

Rod, what I have seen indicates that she is in jail for following Kentucky law by refusing to issue the marriage license.

John the Econ said...

Agreed @Rod. It's interesting to see the left's sudden enthusiasm and respect for the "rule of law". And yet we have thousands of elected officials, law enforcement and bureaucrats across the nation ignoring Federal law every single day with no consequence whatsoever. For example, when will the officials responsible for "sanctuary cities" being prosecuted and jailed for blatantly ignoring immigration law? I'm not holding my breath.

This is how banana republics operate. Laws are selectively enforced, and usually only when they serve the agendas of those in power.

Geoff King said...

Lest we forget:
Note: this list is 8 years old and does not include Benghazi.