Trade Secrets

Depending on who you listen to, the new international trade agreements being negotiated by Barack Obama's administration will either guarantee American prosperity and strengthened relations with trading partners, or destroy American jobs and officially deliver ownership of everything to the filthy rich World Illuminati Council (which may or may not be a subsidiary of the Clinton Foundation).

The agreements are the TISA, dealing with Europe and South America, and the TPP, which deal with Asian nations. And if you don't know much about these agreements, well, you're not alone - because the White House is keeping the details secret.

This puts Hope n' Change in an uncomfortable position; the Wall Street Journal and Charles Krauthammer have voiced support for the trade agreements, and Republicans are largely in favor. Meanwhile, Democrats are voicing strong objections - which is, after all, what Democrats do. Normally, we'd call this a slam dunk in favor of the trade agreements.

But balancing this, the agreements are being pushed by Barack "I Despise America and Capitalism" Obama, and we've already seen how his little "secrets" work out in things like Obamacare and the Iranian negotiations. And we keep hearing rumors (from Wikileaks, among others) that some of the secret language in Barry's agreements goes way beyond what would normally be considered "trade issues" and intrudes into areas relating to free speech, the climate, intelligence gathering procedures, and free healthcare for terrorists.

Okay, we made up that last one - but that doesn't mean it's not in there.  The point is that we don't know, and nobody in Washington should support any binding agreements from this administration which haven't been read and discussed in their entirety and given a public hearing.

As one wit observed, "pass it to see what's in it" is the definition of a stool sample. This time, we've at least got a chance not to get splattered when the trade agreements hit the fan.

BONUS: SNIPPY REMARKS

We don't really have a lot to say about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, because A) we believe the "pursuit of happiness" should be allowed to take circuitous routes, and B) his/her choice of gender is really no skin off our nose. Or off our anything else (gulp).

We hope Caitlyn lives happily ever after - but even more importantly, privately ever after.

Respected, Inspected and Rejected

In an address to 75 visiting members of the Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative (Slogan: "We'll be your bosses before we're old enough to shave"), Barack Obama made the hilarious claim that his policies have returned the United States to the status of "most respected country on Earth."

"People don't remember," the president explained to our youthful future overlords, "when I came into office, the United States in world opinion ranked below China, barely above Russia." And now, of course, we're considered ranker than either of them.

INSPECTED

In news that will surely warm the hearts of terrorists everywhere, an internal investigation by the Transportation Security Administration found that neither boob-squeezing, nut-prodding, child-groping, nor gajillion-dollar "we can see you naked!" X-ray technology is worth a tinker's damn when it comes to actually keeping aircraft safe.

Special agents posing as terrorists were able to waltz through security (which should have been a dead giveaway when no other passengers were ballroom dancing) with weapons and bombs 95% of the time.  

The acting head of the TSA has now been "reassigned" instead of being fired, because a bureaucrat with even a 5% success rate is apparently just too good to let get away. In the meanwhile, Homeland Security director Jeh Johnson grudgingly admits that "the numbers in these reports never look good out of context."

The context, Mr. Johnson, is freaking 9-11. Not to mention the Lockerbie Bomber, the Shoe Bomber, the Underwear Bomber, and now every other bomber who knows he can bring down a plane.

REJECTED

On a sad note for those of us in the conservative comedy game, Democracy for America and MoveOn.org are wrapping up their "Run Warren Run" campaign to draft Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth "Cherokee Cheekbones" Warren for a White House bid.

"We really thought she was what Washington needed," said a campaign spokesperson. "Someone who didn't speak with a forked tongue, someone who could smoke the peace pipe with enemies and, of course, someone who could show the nation how to use every part of the buffalo. Plus, we were hoping for a lot more casinos."

The campaign ran low on funds after fun-loving political opponents started putting her expensive "Run Warren Run" bumper stickers on the front of their cars, and enthusiasm ran low when it became clear that Warren simply wasn't ready to make a run.

"Apparently she's been seeing a psychiatrist for stress," the spokesperson continued in hushed tones, "because of severe sleep-related issues. Some nights she dreams she's a teepee, and other nights she dreams she's a wigwam. According to the doctor, she's two tents."

Pipe Dreamers

In the month of May, 35 trillion gallons of rain fell on the great state of Texas, creating some significant flooding problems (and the construction of a few Arks), but also replenishing the state's previously low reservoirs.

Being a generous state, Texas would love to share some of this abundance of water with the increasingly thirsty liberals in California who suddenly seem very enthusiastic about the creation of ugly, environmentally destructive pipelines if it means they won't have to drain their hot tubs or boycott their bidets.

Sadly, no such pipeline is being seriously proposed, and not just for the reason cited in the cartoon. Rather, Hope n' Change is pretty sure that this president would never sign legislation which would expose Americans to the very real possibility of job creation.

BONUS: POSTER BOY

Hope n' Change would like to welcome Democrat Martin O'Malley to the 2016 Presidential campaign and wish him the best of luck in his quest to challenge Hillary Clinton without eventually being found in a park, toes up and room temperature, under highly suspicious circumstances.

O'Malley has an impressive political resume including being the former mayor of Baltimore - and hey, who doesn't want more of that for the whole country? He apparently can also play guitar and take his shirt off, two things which we pray Hillary will never do in public.

Frankly, we won't be surprised if Mr. O'Malley appropriates our poster design for his campaign because it's so fitting. Who else but Mom wants to care for you from cradle to grave? Protect you from bullies? Guide you through life and protect you from the consequences of your own bad decisions?

And really, who could vote against "Mom?" It would feel like voting against the American flag and apple pie! Then again, most liberals would do those things in a heartbeat. Plus, they seem to prefer the liberation of easy abortions to the "war on women" enslavement of actual motherhood.

So maybe O'Malley should pass on the whole "Mom" thing and stick with his original inspirational slogan: "At Least I'm Not Hillary."