Although Hope n' Change usually turns a deaf ear to celebrity political endorsements, we have to give serious consideration to beloved centenarian Dick Van Dyke's endorsement of the marginally-younger Bernie Sanders.
"Bernie has lit a fire," said Van Dyke, while cracking open walnuts and staring fixedly at their strange, glowing contents. "He's caught the eye and minds of young people. We've got to put him in the White House." And perhaps get him a nice bowler hat.
Asked if he's joking about the endorsement, an unusually sober Van Dyke admitted to reporters that "I seem to have lost my sense of humor" about politics, and the only thing keeping him from giving Bernie two thumbs up is the fact that both of his thumbs are, oddly, missing.
BONUS: UNDOCUMENTED BLOODSUCKERS
|Not, according to Bill Clinton, that there's anything wrong with a little head.|
While not yet proven, the Zika virus is thought to raise the possibility that fetuses exposed while in utero (latin for "never visited Planned Parenthood") may be born with microcephaly and, tragically, have a heightened lifelong risk of becoming a Democrat.
While Hope n' Change appreciates the efforts of the medical community to thwart this medical scourge, we're just a little confused about the Obama administration's seemingly oxymoronic decision to actually encourage other pestilence-spreading invaders to enter our country.
Specifically, immigrants with HIV and/or interesting, burning, itching, dripping and oozing STDs will now be welcomed with open (albeit latex gloved) arms. This new policy finally makes tangible the hallowed words of poet Emma Lazurus as they are inscribed on the Statue of Liberty:
Give me your tired, your poor
Your huddled masses who burn when they pee
The wretched refugees with their streaming sores
Send these, the sexually diseased to me
O what the hell, we can always use more
By the way, until the evil pharmaceutical industry is able to cobble together a Zika vaccine, Hope n' Change would seriously like to encourage individuals and communities to get serious about erecting bat habitats instead of importing refugees with bad habits.