Monday, February 1, 2016
Tonight the various contenders wishing (or in many cases obsessing) to become President of the United States will get their first real test in the Iowa caucuses. The caucus (meaning "a gathering of Caucasians") process involves Iowans grouping together to publicly debate which candidates have spent the most money in the state.
Following these impassioned discussions (frequently peppered with expletives like "gosh durn it!" and "hold on thar!") the Republicans cast traditional secret ballots for their candidates, while the Democrats wave their hands in the air, shout, steal supporters from other groups, and eventually come to agreement via arm wrestling.
Still, the results in Iowa are very, very important because...uh...they're first. Not because the state is a good predicter of national results (it isn't), and not because the state has demographics which "look like America" (it doesn't). But still, Iowa is first for a very good reason: because they called "dibs."
According to the latest polls, things are wattled-neck and neck between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders amongst the Democrats, while on the GOP side Donald Trump is predicted to edge out Ted Cruz. Which is why later this week we'll get to see...
In order to attack the alleged Islamaphobia of the eventual GOP winners in Iowa, Barack Hussein Obama will be visiting an American mosque in Baltimore which is apparently in a part of town that mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake did not give to protesters to destroy.
This will be Mr. Obama's first visit to an American mosque as president, a trip long-delayed because, according to White House spokesman Josh Earnest, "the president's golf spikes really tear the hell out of prayer rugs."
Obama is going to the mosque "to celebrate the contributions Muslim Americans make to our life," and indeed there are many. Just off the top of our heads, for instance, we can thank them for greatly increased national security measures, a decrease in sun-related skin cancers amongst women wearing burqas, a more diverse view of what constitutes "a clock," and heightened awareness that, despite the similarity in names, San Bernadino and San Bernardino are two different soft targets.