|Women and minorities thought to be hit least hard.|
For starters, Donald Trump unexpectedly dropped out of the presidential race after an injection of stem cells miraculously cured his Political Tourette's Syndrome. "I'm filled with contrition and embarrassment," admitted the naturally soft-spoken businessman. "The notion that my condition caused me to characterize people as douche nozzles and gratuitously pontificate about complex issues with nary a scintilla of understanding is truly mortifying. As are my tiny flaccid fingers."
The candidate's sudden exit from the race was the second piece of good news received by the Ted Cruz campaign, the first being the National Enquirer's admission that their story about wild, unbridled sex with multiple mistresses was actually supposed to be about Tom Cruise, but the names were switched at the last minute to reduce the chances of having the paper's corporate headquarters filled with rattlesnakes by Scientologists. "No harm, no foul," laughed Cruz before retiring to a nearby chapel to pray for staffers of the National Enquirer to be consumed by a plague of locusts.
This shakeup on the GOP side may have little effect on Hillary Clinton, as she has now been ordered to appear before the FBI for intensive questioning about dozens of felonies and has been instructed to "wear an orange jumpsuit and bring a toothbrush and a harmonica." According to a Clinton spokesperson, the former first lady isn't worried about the investigation because, "what with her brain tumor and cirrhosis, there's no way she'll be serving a long sentence."
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has further delighted his legions of barely post-pubescent followers by announcing his plan to get entirely free solar energy by demanding that the alien overlords give us a second sun on the other side of the Earth. "So I'm looking up in the sky one night," Sanders explained, "And there are millions and billions and trillions of stars! And I'm thinking, we get one and the damn aliens get billions?! Are you kidding me?!" As a bonus, Sanders points out that with two suns there will be no night, "allowing us to finally end the nightmare of Daylight Saving Time."
Which is why Hope n' Change has chosen today, April 1st, to officially endorse Sanders as our next president and ambassador to the alien overlords.
|The less said about this story the better.|