Friday, April 1, 2016

Aprilgeddon

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, april fools day
Women and minorities thought to be hit least hard.
As political philosopher Morton Salt wryly observes, "When it rains it pours." And such is the case with today's sudden explosion of news stories which are shaking journalism to its very roots, causing many perfectly good drinks to be spilled.

For starters, Donald Trump unexpectedly dropped out of the presidential race after an injection of stem cells miraculously cured his Political Tourette's Syndrome. "I'm filled with contrition and embarrassment," admitted the naturally soft-spoken businessman. "The notion that my condition caused me to characterize people as douche nozzles and gratuitously pontificate about complex issues with nary a scintilla of understanding is truly mortifying. As are my tiny flaccid fingers."

The candidate's sudden exit from the race was the second piece of good news received by the Ted Cruz campaign, the first being the National Enquirer's admission that their story about wild, unbridled sex with multiple mistresses was actually supposed to be about Tom Cruise, but the names were switched at the last minute to reduce the chances of having the paper's corporate headquarters filled with rattlesnakes by Scientologists. "No harm, no foul," laughed Cruz before retiring to a nearby chapel to pray for staffers of the National Enquirer to be consumed by a plague of locusts.

This shakeup on the GOP side may have little effect on Hillary Clinton, as she has now been ordered to appear before the FBI for intensive questioning about dozens of felonies and has been instructed to "wear an orange jumpsuit and bring a toothbrush and a harmonica." According to a Clinton spokesperson, the former first lady isn't worried about the investigation because, "what with her brain tumor and cirrhosis, there's no way she'll be serving a long sentence."

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has further delighted his legions of barely post-pubescent followers by announcing his plan to get entirely free solar energy by demanding that the alien overlords give us a second sun on the other side of the Earth. "So I'm looking up in the sky one night," Sanders explained, "And there are millions and billions and trillions of stars! And I'm thinking, we get one and the damn aliens get billions?! Are you kidding me?!" As a bonus, Sanders points out that with two suns there will be no night, "allowing us to finally end the nightmare of Daylight Saving Time."

Which is why Hope n' Change has chosen today, April 1st, to officially endorse Sanders as our next president and ambassador to the alien overlords.

The less said about this story the better.

23 comments:

Mike aka Proof said...

And yet, as terrifying as it is, your scenario pales in comparison to a Sanders, Clinton or Trump presidency!

Jim Irre said...

Oh, were the news of the day only this good! As your punishment for leading me on and giving me false hope, I'll be praying for a horde of locusts to infest your premises! "Good riddance," I say!

Anonymous said...

Stilton - it's a Leap Year. April Fool's Day isn't until April 2!!

Joseph ET said...

I’ve been using H & R Block’s “Tax Cut” for numerous years. The first time you use it you walk through the interview process much like you would get if you went into a tax preparer's office. It gathers your name and address as well as the other personal information needed. Then it takes you step by step through various types of income and deductions. If you are self-employed you must do a schedule ‘C’ to show your business expenses. Make sure to get the correct version. “Tax Cut” also has a good ‘help’ file.
After you install the current version in the following years, you point the program to the previous years file and it will automatically pick-up your data from there. Then you can walk through the interview process again or not. I usually just go directly to the various forms such as a 1099 R or W-2 and other forms and fill-in the needed changes. The version I get includes e-file for the Fed’s while the e-file for the state is an extra $19.95. Our refund goes directly into our bank account or if we owe it comes out of the bank directly. It even helps with the forms for those that need to pay quarterly estimated tax payments.

REM1875 said...

Today is the birthday of the Navy Chiefs- most sailors and more than a few Marines think that was the greatest April fools joke ever pulled.
Happy Birthday to the sailors who wear the fouled anchor-Chiefs. (CPO)

Gang of One said...

@Anonymous -- Actually, it would have been March 31 ... yesterday.
*I think*

bocopro said...

Though I stop by here faithfully to see each new post, I rarely comment because anything I tried to add would be as useful as tits on a rattlesnake. But this one deserves comment.

C'est merveilleux, mon ami, et parfait.

Excelsior, hermano.

Fred Ciampi said...

Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh, ye had me going fer a fleeting moment Stilt. I quickly searched all the news feed lots and then came back to H&C................ Sigh.

Geoff King said...

Yup, April Fool's Day. Do not believe anything you hear from the MSM today.....just like every other day of the year.

James Daily said...

My thought is that if Clinton could be convicted of just three of her multiple felonies, that would result in a life sentence as a habitual criminal. That would be about maybe two years.

chef621 said...

@ Geoff King

Totally agree!!!!

Fap O'M√ľnster said...

"His fapping routine..."

Hilarious. Really. That is all that "progressives" are - one big bunch of jerks .... offs.

CenTexTim said...

In other news, Al Sharpton Pays His Back Taxes; Lois Lerner Prosecuted For Politicizing IRS; Congress Passes Balanced Budget; obama Enforces Immigration Laws; Retired Central Texas Man Wins Lottery.

Hey, they all have an equal chance of happening...

Anonymous said...

Today's article earned several L.O.L.s
I hope you're satisfied!
Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

John the Econ said...

The problem with coming up with good "April Fools" jokes in this age is that reality is already so warped that it's nearly impossible to come up with anything absurd or shocking enough to be fully.

Think of it this way: A year ago someone somewhere probably said "Donald Trump will be the frontrunning GOP candidate." Nobody is laughing now.

Joseph ET said...

@Stilton
Some people use charities to reduce tax liability

REM1875 said...

Doc I love that picture of the demonRat's 2016 convention you have behind the reporter and I won't ask how you got it.

Anonymous said...

Love your stuff, as always, but maybe maybe Bernie isn't that far off. (Yeah, broken clocks and all that)

Walter1694cir said...

Always put a smile on my face with your observations and comments!

Colby Muenster said...

Absolute knee slapper today! But you are a very bad doctor for that 1.37 seconds that I believed Shrillary was a goner, and you need to impose punishment on yourself. I suggest you get pished on a quart of Black Velvet, and force yourself to watch Ellen reruns.

REM1875 said...

@Colby Muenster
you are so damned cruel. Black velvet? ellen reruns? Man that is flat out mean.

Rod said...

We've had a very busy week and successfully ignored most national & especially political news. QUESTION: Do we have some new & not good intel which accounts for POTUS switching his stance on ISIS from "B team & Controlled" to ISIS is the #1 threat to US and other nations? What's is going on? It's amazing how well he does "The Authority" thing on any position, any approach, any topic, any reversal. We've about ten more months of this creep, tops. I dug deep for a nice word there.

Teapartydoc said...

Trump 2016.