Many Unhappy Returns

"Wet clean-up on Aisle 74!"

Not everyone enjoys April 15th as much as Bernie does, which we presume is good news for the nation's dry cleaners. In fact, the day is hated by the approximately 50% of Americans who have to fork out money to go to the other 50% of Americans who pay nothing at all.

But even though the IRS is collecting more revenue in fiscal 2016 than in any previous year, free-spending, class-envying Democrats say that it's not enough.

For instance, Bernie Sanders recently bellowed that American corporations aren't paying their "fair share" and cited the flagrant example of tech giant Verizon, claiming "they haven't paid a nickel" in taxes.

And he's right. They haven't paid a nickel. They've paid $35 Billion in taxes in the last two years alone. Which, granted, is simply a rounding error in the Alice-in-Wonderland economic theme park which is currently toot-toot-tootling calliope music between Bernie's hair-sprouting ears.

Are there people and corporations who contort themselves like Russian gymnasts to wriggle out of paying taxes? Of course - but the crazy and largely legal loopholes they're using have been built into the system by both political parties because of their desire to control commerce, as well as the direct influence of lavish campaign donations and other fiscal goodies, both above and below the table.

The IRS is now a nightmarishly complicated, inept, and thoroughly corrupt institution (yes, Lois Lerner, we're talking to you) which needs to be abolished and replaced with a simple and straightforward flat tax which everyone pays into.

Of course, Hope n' Change doesn't seriously expect to ever see that happen. Which is probably good news for our dry cleaner.

BONUS: PAYING FULL FAIR

BONUS TWO: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

A response will soon be coming from Air Force None.

Born To Run (to the Ladies Room)

"We've gotta NIP it! Nip it in the bud!"

Rocker Bruce Springsteen has cancelled a concert appearance in Greensboro, North Carolina to protest the state's law which segregates bathroom privileges based exclusively on an individual's God-given plumbing rather than their current (and sometimes flexible) gender self-identification. Moreover, in an additional show of solidarity for the "whichever damn bathroom we choose" crowd,  Springsteen has changed the name of his backup group to "The P Street Band."

Mind you, Hope n' Change is a vocal advocate of gay rights, including gay marriage and tiered cake consumption. But we still have a significant problem with a lipstick-wearing man visiting the powder room to drain his lizard in the sink next to a stunned 6 year old girl.

A potential governmental solution is to require buildings in every state to have separate restrooms for each sexual identity group (indeed, even the White House now sports transgender bathrooms). The problem is that, according to Facebook, there are 51 such classifications now - meaning that every room in a public building will soon have to be a bathroom, and the odds are that your bladder will explode long before you're able to decipher the cryptic icons on bathroom doors representing the Genderqueer, Transgenders, Pangenders, Androsexuals, Demisexuals, Intersexuals, Lipstick Lesbians, Skoliosexuals, or Native American "Two-Spirits."

Not to be outdone by Springsteen, geriatric rocker Bryan Adams also stunned the music world on two fronts: first by pointing out that he's still alive, and second by cancelling an alleged concert in Mississippi (disappointing dozens) to protest their antiquated binary bathroom laws.

Who knew, after all this time, that his fleeting radio hit "Cuts Like a Knife" was about gender reassignment surgery?

Paradise Loused

Also in the news, the FBI versus Apple. Coincidence? We think not.

In a wide-ranging interview with Fox News, Barack Obama acknowledged that people are "properly outraged at (the) ineptitude of the government" and political corruption - but argued that our system is the best possible "given that we are human and given original sin."

That's right - the unholy mess that is Washington can trace its tangled and deceitful roots all the way back to the Garden of Eden and a wanton indiscretion with a Winesap. But if we accept the premise that hopelessly convoluted bureaucracy, wild overspending, inept foreign policy, divisive rhetoric, and crony capitalism are all due to original sin, then solving these problems is clearly out of human hands and calls for divine intervention.

Which, in fact, is what Barry thinks he's been doing in God-like fashion for the past seven years. Although in fairness, anyone who spent 20 years in Jeremiah Wright's spittle-flying America-hating church is going to come out pretty hazy on both theology and scripture.

During the same interview, the Reverend Obama declared that there would be no political interference with the investigation into Hillary Clinton's screamingly obvious violations of every conceivable American security policy and general criminality (seemingly unaware of the blatant politicization inherent in his presidential declaration that she's done nothing wrong).

“I guarantee that there is no political influence in any investigation conducted by the Justice Department, or the FBI," Barry said while trying his best not to snort-laugh. "Not just in this case, but in any case. Full stop. Period. Guaranteed. Full stop."

Which is pretty much the same guarantee he made after previously saying "...and if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor!"

The lying snake.