Speaker De La Casa

Following a recent appearance on the Jay Leno show during which he disparaged Tea Party members for creating a national "disaster" (the short-lived government shutdown which closed access to Mount Rushmore and Old Faithful),  House Speaker John Boehner has now announced a major push for amnesty-style immigration reform just in time to completely screw up any chance of the GOP retaking the Senate in the midterm elections.

The arguments against amnesty are reasonably simple: a flood of cheap labor will further destabilize our already out-of-whack employment picture and further drain taxpayer-funded resources. It will also reinforce the idea that our laws mean nothing.

Then again, to counterbalance that notion, perhaps Boehner could also propose a "get out of jail free" card for law abiding citizens, allowing each to commit one major federal crime and get away with it with no consequences whatsoever...the same deal he's offering to non-citizens.

Boehner seems to believe that the GOP could at least score some political points by completely caving on the immigration issue. Unsurprisingly, he's dead wrong according to surveys which show that immigrants almost always favor the big government, big benefit policies of the Democrats.

And in the process of not winning new votes, he'll also be losing the votes of many conservatives who've simply grown tired of being sold out by the GOP on virtually every issue.

These are the same conservatives who, for a brief shining moment, believed that the disastrous failure of Obamacare would be enough to tilt the midterms in our favor.

Too bad we didn't reckon on the disaster that is John Boehner.

Mop Up Operation

Showing that he's still the bold president of Hope and Change in our faltering nation, Barack Obama used his State of the Union Address to announce that he is using his magic Executive Order powers to raise the minimum wage to $10.10 an hour for federal contract workers "including janitors" (according to an enthusiastic White House statement).

The White House further stipulates that this pay raise will improve morale, lower turnover, and boost productivity, leading to federal bathrooms which aren't just clean - but zestfully clean!

The pay raise, which will only apply to new government contracts in 2015, will not be limited to janitors. The White House points out that people who cook food, do laundry, and wash dishes will also find themselves with enhanced productivity (not just washing dishes, but washing the hell out of them!) and sky high morale which will be exhibited by singing Stephen Foster spirituals.

The executive mandate is intended to shame the rest of employers into supporting a higher minimum wage...even if it translates to fewer employees receiving those wages.

But truthfully, any debate isn't really about the minimum wage at all. Rather, it's about maximizing class envy, demonizing capitalism, and masking the job destroying realities of Obama's policies.

And no number of slightly better paid janitors will be able to clean up that stink.

You Said A Mouthful

Tomorrow night, Barack Hussein Obama's teleprompter will get a good workout as the president juts his imperious chin and delivers yet another State of the Union address. A great national tradition which we like to think of as "The Fifth of You Lie."

Although the exact text of his remarks isn't yet known, the likely topics he'll cover are already leaking in the media like a dollar store colostomy bag.

His major thrust is going to be "income inequality" and all that goes with it - jobs, the economy, education, and a half-century of progressive, overfunded social programs which haven't made a dent in poverty. Actually, he'll skip that last bit because it now seems like the biggest factor in creating upward economic mobility is having a stable family structure - something to which the Left is adamantly opposed.

The president is also expected to declare that Obamacare is actually a huge success and, after the laughter, hoots, and air horns from the GOP members of the House and Senate die down, quickly change the subject.

Mr. Obama will also push for "common sense" immigration reform, because it's only "common sense" to reward those who've flagrantly broken our laws and strained our national resources. An idea echoed by the Department of Homeland Security's chief on Friday when he declared that illegals "have earned the right to be citizens." Showing that our new secretary at the DHS has an amazingly poor understanding of "rights," "citizens," or for that matter "homeland effing security."

The president will also declare victory in his capitulation...er...negotiation with Iran, avoid saying doodly-squat about Iraq or Afghanistan, and work in at least one major plug for Hillary Clinton's upcoming presidential run rather than run the risk of being kneecapped by a member of the Arkansas mafia.

Finally, Obama is going to put on his frowny face and make it clear that, while he's willing to work with the opposition party (breaking precedent with, oh, his entire life), if he finds the GOP to be foot dragging on little things like the Constitution, the budget, the separation of powers, and an obsessive attachment to reality, he's willing to issue magic executive orders to get his way, and will use the dark side of The Force to crush the esophagus of anyone who dares talk back to him.

Which he can get away with, of course, because criticizing the president's dark side is racist.


BONUS: PUPDATE

We still haven't settled on her name yet (though we're narrowing the list), but the new pup is already bringing a lot of happiness to the Jarlsberg family. Here, she executes a quick security sweep of the perimeter.