JULY
With the political world holding its breath in anticipation, Hope n' Change finally endorses a Presidential candidate...
While lacking the enthusiasm evinced by many Trump supporters, Hope n' Change opines that "Donald Trump is potentially a yuuuuge disrupter at a time when our political system needs huge disruption. Our nation would be far more likely to survive his possible policy failures than even a single term of Hillary Clinton's toxic policy successes."
This belief is immediately confirmed when yet another federal agency is revealed to have been corrupted by proximity to the Clinton Machine...
After laundry-listing the many, many ways that Hillary had lied, evaded, and thoroughly compromised national security with her secret email server, FBI Director James Comey decides that no charges should be pressed because:
A) He is apparently a complete political whore
B) His family was being held at gunpoint
C) He believes that women (bless their hearts) are just too darn stupid to understand computers, national security, and laws
D) Hillary made a pact with Satan which involves fellating lepers in Hell for all eternity
E) All of the above. Which, frankly, we're pretty sure is the right answer.
Energized by this undeserved "Get Out of Jail Free" card, Hillary immediately seizes on new ways to make voters hate her...
Following a black sniper's assassination of five Dallas police officers who were providing security for a "Black Lives Matter" protest, Hillary bravely declares that the actual problem is that white people need to do a better job of listening and, bizarrely, that Wall Street needs greater transparency. Based on her strong statement, an increasing number of voters begin to suspect she's using narcotics.
Meanwhile, GOP heads explode when Senator Ted Cruz appears at the Republican National Convention and speaks passionately about the need to defend freedom and the Constitution, but fails to endorse Trump by name for reasons no one can explain...
But July isn't done with us yet. Following a series of scandals revealing sabotage against the Bernie Sanders campaign, the DNC meets to celebrate democracy by anointing a candidate selected by unelected "superdelegates"...
AUGUST
With the wind at her back, which is helpful in keeping her upright, Hillary starts fleshing out what revolutionary policies she hopes to bring to the presidency other than the ability to pee while sitting down...
But undaunted and pumped full of amphetamines and opioids, Hillary throws herself into intense preparation for the upcoming Presidential debates...
And speaking of sex escapades (which is pretty much synonymous with speaking about the Clintons) another one rears its...uh...head when Anthony Weiner, the oft-disgraced husband of Hillary's right hand woman Huma Abedin, is discovered to be emailing bonergrams to an under-aged girl...
Saying "enough is enough," Huma gives up on Weiner (not that there's anything wrong with that) and prepares to face new challenges in...
SEPTEMBER
When asked to answer yet more questions about her totally illegal scheme to evade the Freedom of Information Act and, as an unexpected bonus, give away all of our nation's secrets, Hillary is struck - apparently forcefully - with a brilliant idea...
Yes, the woman who wants to be President of the United States claims to have such substantial brain damage that she can't remember anything which happened while she was engaged in criminal activity. Which is to say her entire adult life.
Shortly thereafter, Clinton speaks to an adoring throng of hired enthusiasts at an LGBT fundraiser and makes a statement which convinces even hardened skeptics that she has gangrenous grey matter...
"To be grossly generalistic," she grossly cackled, "you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic— you name it!"
Surprisingly, at least to Democrats, it turns out that many Americans don't appreciate being mocked, disparaged, and slandered by corrupt elites. Which is why it's (ahem) fortunate for Clinton that the public is soon distracted by a terrorist bomb blast...
29 people are hurt (and thankfully none killed) when a bomb is detonated in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York. Chelsea Clinton swears "it's just a coincidence" and "I'm working on an alibi."
Hoping to get her media narrative back on track, Hillary Clinton puts avuncular socialist Bernie Sanders on the campaign trail to say that he no longer despises everything Hillary stands for, and that he's come to the life-changing (and possibly life-saving) realization that she is the most honest, refreshing, and ethical politician ever born...
In fairness to Bernie, maybe he was just trying on his "shameless whore" costume to make ready for...
OCTOBER
Suddenly, the campaign is rocked by a series of well-coordinated (if loosely fact-checked) attacks on Donald Trump's finances...
The NY Times goes "front page crazy" with a story screaming that over the past few years, Donald Trump may have paid all the federal income tax he legally owed - which possibly, and only possibly, equaled "none." Not only is "Man Pays Correct Amount of Taxes" not a scandal, it's not even interesting.
What is interesting is that the story was written based on illegally obtained information which was leaked to the public. Democratic spokespeople offer high praise for the publication of illegally leaked documents, then report a weird feeling "like a crow just stepped on my grave."
In a shocking revelation that even offends serial rapist Bill Clinton, an old audiotape reveals that Donald Trump once used the word "pussy" in a conversation which did not involve cats. Even worse, a (very small) parade of women come forward, dabbing tears, to share tortured memories of being "kissed without permission" by Donald Trump, who used only Tic Tacs for breath control.
Unfortunately for Hillary, none of this is as interesting as Wikileaks' release of thousands of documents detailing the corruption of the Clinton Foundation, Hillary's "pay for play" use of the State Department to solicit bribes, and the overall sleaziness of everyone in the Democratic party.
Suddenly finding illegally obtained information which was leaked to the public abhorrent, the media and the White House blame Russian hackers because it sounds better than "our own idiocy." Joe Biden warns of draconian counter measures...
But wait! With Halloween in the air, James Comey doesn't need to dress up as a ghost to scare the sheet out of Hillary - he simply reopens her "thing that wouldn't die" email espionage case only days before the election.
Hilariously, it turns out that in the course of investigating Anthony Weiner's underage sexting activities, the FBI has discovered thousands of Hillary's State Department emails on his personal laptop...as well as on his laptop computer.
And so the stage is set for...
NOVEMBER
Following a hostage video in which James Comey, bruised and bound, says that nothing suspicious other than Top Secret documents was found on Weiner's "spank bank" computer, Election Day arrives at last.
Left-leaning media political pundits sport Cheshire Cat grins, and Hillary Clinton's team pops champagne corks as the poll results start to come in.
Soon after which the grins fade, the champagne goes flat, and (according to trustworthy sources on the Left) Armageddon arrives...
Trump wins to the shock and disbelieving horror of liberals everywhere...
Apparently unaware of how the American voting system works, those on the Left are further devastated by the realization that while Hillary won the popular vote, it's only the critical electoral college vote that decides the Presidency...
While many anti-Americans take the news of Trump's victory badly, perhaps the most convincing display of grief comes from Fidel Castro who actually goes to the trouble of dropping dead...
Which at long last brings us to...
DECEMBER
In the weeks following the election, it becomes clear that American voters were sick of being denigrated, disrespected, and lied to by their own government. Tired of seeing their health insurance costs skyrocket while their benefits plummeted. And unwilling to accept a stagnant economy which seemingly offered jobs only to hedge fund managers and fry cooks.
Granted, not everyone saw the election results in the same way...
When his analysis is roundly laughed at, Barack Obama goes back to his default position of claiming that the election was somehow "hacked" by evil Russians who, inexplicably, liked the idea of Donald Trump having a nuclear arsenal.
The soon-to-be ex-president declares the alleged hacking to be a grave and immediate existential threat to our nation, then takes swift action by boarding Air Force One for another extended, multi-million dollar vacation in Hawaii...
Back on the mainland, the electoral college finally meets to officially cast their votes. And once again, a dazed and broken Hillary has to settle for second place...
With only days left in the year, Americans finally breathe a sigh of relief - confident that they can enjoy the holidays without any vacationing presidents suddenly launching a vicious sneak attack on one of our closest allies. They are, of course, wrong...
With assistance (and likely direction) from the Obama administration, the U.N. passes a resolution condemning Israel, eroding that nation's legitimacy and chances for eventual peace. It is a transparently petty and vindictive act from a petty and vindictive president bent on burning the world down if he can't be in charge.
In the final days of his wretched administration, he also admits floods of refugees and illegals into the country, grants early release to a record number of felons, and puts thousands of new regulations in place to hamper the American economy under Donald Trump.
Which is why the stroke of midnight on December 31st has never been sweeter...
Happy New Year from Stilton Jarlsberg and Hope n' Change Cartoons...which, after 8 long years, finally has actual hope for change.
