Friday, January 20, 2012

Slipping the Economy a Mickey

After killing off tens of thousands of potential jobs by vetoing the Keystone oil pipeline (which his own State Department had twice pronounced to be no threat to the environment), Barack Obama traveled to Florida on Thursday to announce plans for a new pipeline which will create one million jobs!

Specifically, the president stood in front of the "Magic Castle" to announce that he wants to create a pipeline of foreign tourists coming to our country by making our borders even easier to cross (through an expedited visa process) so that they can visit Disneyworld and other parks.

Wow! Take that all of you Obama critics who say that he doesn't know how to create jobs!

The president's "Mickey Mouse Job Plan" is part of his new "We Can't Wait" initiative, in which he's making bold themepark-based executive decisions on his own to show up the "do nothing House Republicans" who unfortunately couldn't get to the theme park yesterday because they stayed in Washington to vote against raising the debt ceiling yet again. The slackards.

Of course, the president couldn't linger at Disneyworld very long either, because there's a lot of critically important work piling up on his desk. Piling up really, really high.

Which is why Air Force One flew past the Whitehouse and continued to New York for a "one-percenters only" $38,500 per plate fundraising dinner at Spike Lee's house.

Hey, he may be running a Mickey Mouse operation...but he's not Goofy enough to do his job when there's easy money for the taking.

"Gawrsh! Creatin' jobs is EASY! Hyuk-yuk-yuk-yuk!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dumb and Dumber

Hey stupid! Yeah, I'm talking to YOU Hope n' Change readers (and talking to myself, too). Because even though we've tried to hide it as long as possible, Newsweek magazine has finally revealed our terrible secret in their new cover story, "Why Are Obama's Critics So Dumb?"

The article, penned by Andrew Sullivan (the crack journalist who
also believes that Sarah Palin didn't give birth to her son, Trig, but instead faked her pregnancy and adopted a Down Syndrome baby for political gain ), makes the case that Obama's policies aren't failing - but that his critics are just too slackjawed, crosseyed, drooling-down-our-shirts stupid to know success when we see it.

And he has a point. After all, we Obama critics are such blithering idiots that we can't understand how if you spend more on a program this year than you did last year, that any painful financial "cuts" have been made.

We can't understand how extending unemployment benefits creates jobs.

In our banjo-plucking ignorance, we can't understand how Obamacare "bends the cost curve down" when every expense related to medicine is suddenly rising through the roof.

We can't understand why politely asking for an I.D. at a polling place is voter intimidation, but being threatened with racial epithets and billy clubs by Black Panthers isn't.

In our moronic daze, we just can't understand that a three-point foreign policy of encouraging the Muslim Brotherhood, allowing Iran to build nuclear weapons, and turning our backs on Israel has made the MidEast more stable and secure.

We can't understand that it's more important to be an
unemployed Union member than to have a job - at least if you want to build jets in South Carolina.

As we sit in our tepid bathwater, passing gas and giggling as the bubbles pop, we can't understand that the way to decrease gun-related violence is to give truckloads of weapons to the sociopaths in the Mexican drug cartels.

And we can't understand why calling a committee a "supercommittee" would make anyone believe it came from the planet Krypton and had the power to leap tall buildings in a single bound, or solve economic problems that the president and his party hadn't addressed in three years.

Yep, there's no doubt about it - we Obama critics
must be dumb as a bag of hammers to not understand all of these tremendous success stories.

But we're still Einsteins compared to Andrew Sullivan. Or anyone else who actually
supports Obama or reads Newsweek.

We're also too dumb to recognize that Newsweek editor Eleanor Clift is totally hot.

Monday, January 16, 2012

King Sighs

How time flies! It seems we've only just taken down all of our decorations for Kwanzaa, and it's already Martin Luther King Day! A day when the president of the United States is encouraging all of us to come together to celebrate the birthday of a truly great and historic figure in black history: Michelle Obama.

At least, that's what you'd think if you received the recent personal email from Barack Obama which
only goes to important, intelligent people entrusted with the critical job of shaping American opinion and policy...and people who give fake names and claim to be potential donors, which is what we did.

The email from Barack (when you're
this tight, you can use his first name) was called "FLOTUS," which should not be confused with those little bowel movements that take more than one flush to get rid of. Rather it refers to the "First Lady of the United States" who, in the words of the president, "turns 48 on Tuesday, and I know I'm not her only fan out there. So will you join me in wishing her a happy birthday?"

The link takes you to a page where you can wish Michelle a Happy Birthday by filling in your name and email address, after which you'll be hit up for donations until you rue the day you ever discovered what email was. There is, however, no need to actually pony up for an expensive gift for the first lady online, since that's already automatically included in your taxes.

Continuing in his personal letter, Barry (you can call him that if you've rubbed suntan oil on him at Kailua beach) says "This fall, Michelle and I will have been married 20 years.
The next 10 months will be harder than any we've experienced together." Frankly, we're not sure what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

After all, 20 years was all Hussy (you can call him by his middle name if you've gotten crapfaced at Beer Summits together) could take of
one angry, black, racist, anti-American - the Reverend Jeremiah Wright - so he might be reaching his limit with the FLOTUS, too. And on a recent television appearance, the First Lady said "there'll be no other children in the Whitehouse. I can officially make that announcement." So maybe the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has created a little friction (or lack of friction) in the First Bedroom.

But apart from all of that, the president wants us to wish Michelle a Happy Birthday and give generously to his re-election campaign and -
oh yes! - one more thing:

"PS: This weekend people are getting together to volunteer in their communities in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day."

That's right - the first black president of the United States is honoring Dr. King with a "PS" in a fundraising email about his wife's birthday.

Perhaps a "BS" would have been more appropriate.