Monday, January 16, 2012

King Sighs

How time flies! It seems we've only just taken down all of our decorations for Kwanzaa, and it's already Martin Luther King Day! A day when the president of the United States is encouraging all of us to come together to celebrate the birthday of a truly great and historic figure in black history: Michelle Obama.

At least, that's what you'd think if you received the recent personal email from Barack Obama which
only goes to important, intelligent people entrusted with the critical job of shaping American opinion and policy...and people who give fake names and claim to be potential donors, which is what we did.

The email from Barack (when you're
this tight, you can use his first name) was called "FLOTUS," which should not be confused with those little bowel movements that take more than one flush to get rid of. Rather it refers to the "First Lady of the United States" who, in the words of the president, "turns 48 on Tuesday, and I know I'm not her only fan out there. So will you join me in wishing her a happy birthday?"

The link takes you to a page where you can wish Michelle a Happy Birthday by filling in your name and email address, after which you'll be hit up for donations until you rue the day you ever discovered what email was. There is, however, no need to actually pony up for an expensive gift for the first lady online, since that's already automatically included in your taxes.

Continuing in his personal letter, Barry (you can call him that if you've rubbed suntan oil on him at Kailua beach) says "This fall, Michelle and I will have been married 20 years.
The next 10 months will be harder than any we've experienced together." Frankly, we're not sure what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

After all, 20 years was all Hussy (you can call him by his middle name if you've gotten crapfaced at Beer Summits together) could take of
one angry, black, racist, anti-American - the Reverend Jeremiah Wright - so he might be reaching his limit with the FLOTUS, too. And on a recent television appearance, the First Lady said "there'll be no other children in the Whitehouse. I can officially make that announcement." So maybe the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has created a little friction (or lack of friction) in the First Bedroom.

But apart from all of that, the president wants us to wish Michelle a Happy Birthday and give generously to his re-election campaign and -
oh yes! - one more thing:

"PS: This weekend people are getting together to volunteer in their communities in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day."

That's right - the first black president of the United States is honoring Dr. King with a "PS" in a fundraising email about his wife's birthday.

Perhaps a "BS" would have been more appropriate.



Shayne said...

Maybe he forgot what he as saying because he wasn't an angry black woman?

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

My wife's birthday is at the end of this month and all she wants is a soft, warm blanket she can put over herself during the day when we have to keep our thermostat at 57 because the heat is too expensive. But I'll be sure to get a congratulatory note out to Michelle right away. Is she still in Hawaii?

Pete(Detroit) said...

The utter hypocrisy of "the first Black President" who got where he is ONLY because of his skin color even MENTIONING Dr. King is enough to give me FLATUS.
Does his disgusting pandering know no bounds?

My Dog Brewski said...

@ Pete(Detroit)...
2008: We proved were weren't racist.
2012: Let's prove we aren't stupid.

Buzz Bannister said...

Due to the First Black President it may be quite a while before a Second Black President if all you are doing is choosing by race.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Shayne- Hey, you'd be angry too if people were more interested in your yams than your radical ideology.

@Angry Hoosier Dad- The other good thing about blankets is that you can pull them over your head when the news is on.

@Pete(Detroit)- To be fair, Bill Clinton was the first white black president, and Barack Obama is the first half-black black president. So the first black black president could still be a Tea Party candidate (albeit not this time around). But kidding aside, I believe that the real historical importance of Barack Obama is that he is our first Affirmative Action president - because no caucasian with his political history, views, and terrorist/marxist associates would have ever been seen as a serious candidate.

And I, too, am offended by any reference to Dr. King and Obama in the same breath.

@My Dog Brewski- Exactly.

@Buzz Bannister- I don't think Barry has done the whole "black president" franchise much good. But I don't think that will hurt the right black conservative candidate, who will basically run on a Martin Luther King Jr platform: based on the content of his character rather than the color of his skin.

Doc - Northern Nevada said...

Actually I am GLAD the Obummer rarely mentions Dr. King! They have NOTHING in common - not even skin color! I met the doctor many years ago, back in the mid 60's, and agreed with him completely! I still believe he "had to go" because what he was saying, and what he was doing - WAS WORKING! Dr. King just about had the 'race card' put out of existence. Real Americans were seeing the light. He had some years to go, but it was going in the right direction! In turn, that success would have "killed the cash cow" others had found in the "freedom from racism" business. Like the Jacksons(s), Sharpton, and Farrakhan, etc., etc., ad nauseum are STILL living off of! Scumbags like them aren't worthy of being toe jam on Dr. King!
The Obummers are just an extension of those who cannot afford to have racism cured once and for all! They get too much from it!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Doc Northern Nevada- I couldn't agree more. Genuine racial equality will never be achieved by programs which discriminate against people based on the color of their skin. And neither will racial harmony ever be accomplished as long as hate mongers are described as "civil rights leaders."

Larry Sheldon said...

I can not imagine Dr. King ever saying "damn".

mlester101 said...

Racism alert: This comment / prediction will be construed as racist but I'm going to make it anyway: Somebody somewhere -if they haven't already will name a baby, "Flotus". Bet on it.

My Dog Brewski said...

I have seen some most unusual baby names that have caused me to raise one eyebrow (Spock-like) only to be told that my skin tone renders me incapable of understanding. So be it.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Larry Sheldon- I can imagine him saying it if he met the Obamas.

@mlester101- In New Orleans, I had a black cab driver who told me that his daughter's name was "Rolexis." I have no idea if she has any siblings named "Timexis."

@MyDogBrewski- Even if you're told that someone's daughter is named "Lavoris," I think the Spock eyebrow is the only thing you can move without ending up in a racial sensitivity class.

Suzy said...

HAHAHA the "granite" one was the best part...

pryorguy said...

obama(notice the lower case) is just jealous; in his mind, he is the 'King'!

Youre right, FLOTUS gives me FLATUS also.

Pete(Detroit) said...

had a fellow student in class WAYYYY BITD who's name was "Portia".
Naturally, I only HEARD it, did not see it in print at first. I could only think it was classier / more stylin' than naming her Lincoln or Caddy... (Portia being pronounced just like Porche)
Ooops, MY bad...

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

I don't generally concern myself with what the Obama's do in private, although I suspect it's very little (the existence of two daughters only proves that Michelle was fertile (shudder)).
Rumors of Barry's past homosexual relationships are only that; rumors. Nobody should even consider the possibility that Barry would render services to some dude for coke money or just because he enjoys it. Nope. Don't even consider it.

Coon Tasty said...

@SJ - As usual, a great piece of social commentary. Y'know, one of my main reasons for loathing the Obamas is their naked greed and narcissism. Anyone with even half a brain (so, no Democrats, of course) can clearly see the Kraken-like way that Michelle ravenously grasps at, and devours, anything within her reach. - It's as if she were the lovechild of Cthulhu and Marcus Crassus.

Larry Sheldon said...

Hard to imagine any context other thah tennis where "love" (as in "lovechild") would be mentioned where Mooch was the subject.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Suzy- Even the lowly pun may serve at the right time and place.

@Pryorguy- Have you ever spent time thinking about what the majestic Barack Obama monument will eventually look like on the National Mall? Neither have I - but I'm pretty sure our current president does frequently.

@Pete(Detroit)- Wasn't that the girl who had a sister named Corvaira?

@Angry Hoosier Dad- Thank you for reminding us that we should all be above spreading unfounded rumors about the president's homosexual activity and drug use. Our dialogue needs to be about the important political issues which are critical right now, and not concerning ourselves with whether or not Obama and Rahm Emmanuel were members of the gay bath house "Man's Country Club" in Chicago. I'd like to assure readers that they are safe from hearing such accusations here.

@Coon Tasty- (MLK Day racial sensitivity reminder to readers: "Coon Tasty" is an actual brand of cheese in Australia, from where our Down Under correspondent is writing) "The lovechild of Cthulhu and Marcus Crassus" is sheer poetry. Lovecraft meets love of wealth.

@Larry Sheldon- And it's hard to imagine any context but tennis in which you'd use "balls" in association with Barry.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Ah, yes, Corvaira - huggable curves, but a little fast - it was rumored she liked to flip on her back.

The blond is looking at the guy seated across from her w/ odd bulges in his pants. He notices her staring, and says "It's golf balls." "Oh, I see" she replies, and a minute later asks "is it as painful as tennis elbow?"

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Pete: was that a rimshot I just heard?

Apologies for my silence - we automakers got the day off, and I spent it with Google Sketchup designing my new family room.

I think Bill Cosby best gives voice to the ire with which I'd imagine Dr. MLK would view his progeny. I cannot for a minute understand why someone would rather live, albeit in leisure, under the conditions afforded them through "the dole" rather than make something more of themselves to have more. But, again, that's probably why I'd make a terrible Democrat...

Colby said...

Then there's this moron HarPOOTlian calling the Republicans racist for holding their primary on such a sacred day. Never mind that the Democraps did the same freaking thing in 2008! I absolutely loved the way Bill O'Reilly nailed this jackass to the wall last night:

I could almost hear Debbie Wasserman Shultz cringing.

Sombody else also pointed out that there were 11, count 'em, 11 NBA games last night. ARe those guys racists too?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete(Detroit)- I see you're familiar with Corvaira. I think Ralph Nader used to be interested in her but found her unstable. (And I like the tennis elbow joke!)

@Emmentaler- You're designing your family room?! Don't you know there are architects out of work?!

I wish more people would be listening to Bill Cosby, who has taken a hugely brave stand in speaking truth to the black community (and has suffered devastating personal attacks because of it). My one hope for Obama as he entered office was that he might make it a priority to bring honest dialogue and real healing to America's racial wounds. But no - he prefers to salt those wounds and turn the screams into votes.

@Colby- I came really close to making the day's cartoon/commentary about the idiocy of saying that a GOP debate was "racist" for being held on MLK Day. When better to discuss social issues? Plus, I really wanted to use the name "Harpootlian" a few times because it's such fun to say.

pryorguy said...

I'll tell ya, guys n gals, last night's debate was the first 'real' debate I have seen, with the no-bell format that allowed the candidates to go at each other more, oh, it was great! And, judging by the left's miserable opining of just how 'mean spirited' and 'brutal' it was, well, let's just say I am encouraged!

The only thing still is, if the uninformed watch too much left coverage and comments about it, they could take it as fact, and might have some influence on their choice. But, fact is, obama is losing some black votes, among others, and it is very close right now. Really, his record(nothing to stand on)should make his defeat in the bag, but you know how this sort of thing can go!

Colby said...

Harpootlian, Harpootlian, Harpootlian, Harpootlian...

Your right! That IS fun to say.

@pryorguy, You said it! After last night's debate, I can firmly say that I would have no problem voting for any of them, even Ron Paul. I especially loved Newt's comments about the Marines pissing on terrorists being compared to people getting their heads chopped off and bodies being hung from bridges.

Speaking of funny names, the best one I ever encountered was a poor girl whose mother named her Shithead. It was pronounced Sh- thayd', but it sure looks like it is pronounced otherwise.

pryorguy said...

Im so glad Newt and most of the GOP guys felt the way I did about that pissin incident...Juan Williams on Fox was appalled too, but he's a liberal, although I still cant help but like him.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pryorguy- I'm kicking myself because I got caught up in trying to connect the dozens of wires in my slightly upgraded home entertainment system and forgot to record the debate. D'oh!!!

And regarding Juan Williams, even though he's a very foggy-minded liberal I've got to admit that I like him and would enjoy sharing dinner with him. I disagree with almost all of his opinions, but I think he believes them...which is actually interesting and worth paying attention to if only to understand the mindset of the other side.

In the time that he's been on Fox, he's actually come a long way (hey, you sit next to Krauthammer long enough, you're going to start getting smarter just by osmosis) and started moving a bit more to the center and rejecting the farthest-left nonsense. Which is why he stopped parroting the scripted liberal line and NPR subsequently decided to fire him for (of all things) being a bigot.

@Colby- I think "Harpootlian" could replace "Marco Polo" as a fun swimming pool game. Or it could be used like "Gesundheit" when people near you fart.

Regarding the pissing Marines, they probably shouldn't have done it (and certainly shouldn't have shot a video), but in all honesty I don't give a rat's ass about them moistening some Taliban corpses. Like Col. Allen West said, "War is Hell." And guess what - it's supposed to be Hell so that it's a last resort.

And did Shih-thayed have a brother named Ahsoal?

Larry Sheldon said...

I am just disappointed that we were not able to supply the Marines with a lot of BLT's or Ham Sandwiches to stoke up on.

Emmentaler "Pepper Jack" Limburger said...

I find Juan Williams to be an infuriating ideological individual. I hate it when Hannity has him on as he keeps repeating the same Democratic (read: made up) statistics over and over, like it's a prayer.

Also, I think those Marines should have covered those now-good Taliban (only good one is a past tense one) in pork rind crumbs and THEN pissed on them while simultaneously inserting rolled-up copies of the "holy" Q'ran into each of their arses. But I tend to be bit moderate on such matters.

And Ahsoal was Shithead's Chinese friend.

I can hear it now:
"Harpootlian! But you should really go check your shorts"
"Thank you!".

Or as a product catch phrase: "Nothing says 'Digested beans, cabbage, and broccoli' like a good Harpootlian!" Gotta love it...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Larry Sheldon- I think the Marines should be fed bacon at every meal "just in case."

@Emmentaler- Make no mistake, Juan can drive me nuts. But at least I think he's misguidely saying what he truly believes, as opposed to some of the other liberals (Kirsten Powers, Mara Liasson, Alan Colmes) who sit on the panels and spin like whirling dervishes - too smart to believe their own talking points, but hoping that the audience is dumb enough to buy their BS.